Ask A Bitch

we're moving!

2011-06-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

we're here now!

please visit us there and submit questions as usual!

ask a bitch: volume fifty-one

2008-12-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

happy holidays & stuff from the bitches!!
xoxox, irene & steph

q: what's the appropriate response when opening a xmas gift that is a duplicate of something you already own? i'm not talking about something that you have one of but could eventually use (like another bottle of your favorite perfume), but something where having an extra serves no purpose (like two of the same video game). it seems like a waste of the giver's money to just thank them and quietly give the duplicate away - especially if it's something that was fairly expensive - but it also seems rude to say, "oh thanks, but i already have this," and put them to the trouble of returning it. is it better to be truthful and ultimately end up with something you CAN use and enjoy as the giver intended, or is honesty not the best policy when it comes to gifts?

- pandora's box

a: every present you open has the potential to create an awkward moment. when opening presents, always remember the number one rule is to remain gracious and thankful, no matter how inappropriate, hideous, or weird. after all, it's a present - someone went out of their way to get it for you, and you shouldn't ever act like a spoiled brat.

if you've just received a present that's a duplicate (or, for that matter, a present you don't really like or will never use), thank the person who got you the gift, and then, at an appropriate moment when it's just the two of you, mention that you already have the gift (or, it's lovely but it's not your style, or, you need to get it in a different size, or something along those lines, that reflects thanks but indicates there's no way you will ever use this item). they may give you a receipt, or they might offer to return it. if they offer to return it, don't let them. that's something you can easily take care of yourself. after that, they'll either give you the receipt or they won't. if they're not forthcoming, many stores will take an exchange without a receipt, or we're sure you can find someone who needs or will enjoy the item, or it can go to goodwill.

if someone's offended by the fact that you're politely asking to exchange an item, that's their problem. gifts are only good if they get used, so it's really only polite to include a gift receipt in the box of every present you give, to spare the people you give gifts to the awkwardness of this exact situation.

***
q: my boyfriend and i were born and raised in different towns but met somewhere entirely different - where we live now. we've been together long enough that it's a given that we'll spend holidays together, but WHERE we'll spend them is NOT a given. it's a constant struggle with our families to decide which holidays we'll spend with which, or if we'll even leave town for a particular holiday. christmas is the biggest holiday our families fight over, which always leads to us fighting. i'd almost prefer to spend christmas at home with my boyfriend and just spend quality time with our families in the summer or something, but of course this doesn't fly. aside from alternating years, can you think of a reasonable solution that would satisfy everyone involved?

- xmas, present

a: well, there are only so many solutions, if you don't want to do alternating years. you could spend thanksgiving with one set of parents, and xmas with the other set. if you are blessed with an overload of vacation time, you could spend xmas week with one set and new year's with the other. you could announce to the parents that you are drawing straws for holiday destinations - or pretend to.

but you sure as heck CAN opt to stay home for the holidays, if you want! sure, xmas is a time to be with family - but if you and your BF are long-term enough that spending the holidays together is a given, then you two are a "family," too. if either of your parents squawk about your decision, calmly tell them, "this has become such a heated issue in previous years that we really don't want to go through all the arguing again. we would rather stay home and enjoy the holiday than upset everyone by having to choose who to spend our vacation time with." hopefully, that will shame them into realizing they've been stuffing your stockings with guilt and resentment.

you can get creative about breaking the news - wrap up a beach towel and a pair of flip-flops, and have your "gift" be the promise of a summer visit, when it will be less hassle and more fun for everyone. this year especially, you can plead recession-induced poverty, making airfare to visit both sets of parents unaffordable. spending the holidays with the family is nice, but only if it's more fun than it is miserable, and if they can't behave like adults when it comes to dividing up the holidays, then you have every right to spend xmas at ho, ho, home.

***

q: the older i get, the more i find that i just don't enjoy the holidays the way i used to. one of the biggest sources of stress and annoyance around the holidays is actually gathering with my family, every member of which is capable of finding a million things to criticize about me or my current life choices or my lack of significant other or what i'm snacking on at the moment. although they don't always focus on me - there are so many things to criticize about everyone else, too! i dread their hypercriticism. i mention this to my mom and siblings every year and am always met with promises that they'll try to lighten up and pass the word on to each of their families, but it just never works, or it works for the first two hours of the gathering. i love my family, but i'd almost rather pass on holiday gatherings because of this. what should i do?

- scary bitchmas

a: we totally get your not wanting to dip even a toe into that bubbling family cauldron of criticism, pettiness, and bitter sniping. whatever the reasons behind their outrageously rude behavior, it's completely unacceptable. and while it's definitely not okay for your immediate family to ridicule and tear you down this way, it's SUPER not okay for their extended families and in-laws to pile on, too!

let's face it, single people are doomed to get a certain amount of uncomfortable, unwanted attention from relatives during the holidays. whether it's well-meaning or pointedly humiliating, your best bet is to shrug it off with a bland smile and deliberately be oblivious to their insinuations. if they say, "sooo, all alone again this year?" give them a big shit-eating grin and reply, "looks that way! here, try this cheese ball, it's amazing."

and speaking of which, what you nibble on at holiday parties is nobody's business but your own. it's pretty hypocritical of your family to set out fancy snacks and then attack you for politely enjoying their hospitality, isn't it? again, your best bet is to take the sting out of their catty remarks by appearing to let it go over your head. when someone sidles up to you at the bar and murmurs, "should you really be eating all that fudge?" smile and say, "oh, did you make these? it's wonderful - you simply must give me the recipe." there is no appropriate response to their shitty, mean-spirited comments, so stay classy and just pretend like they made a socially acceptable remark, and reply to that instead.

since you've talked privately to your family before about their inappropriate behavior and they haven't mended their ways, your only real choices are to blithely ignore it and realize it has nothing to do with you, or to bail when things get too awful. if so, tell them beforehand, "once again, i want to remind you that i am not going to put up with criticisms or personal attacks during xmas, and if it happens again, i am going to leave." but you ABSOLUTELY MUST follow through with this, or they won't take you seriously. when they start poking at your tummy and insulting your outfit, stand up and say, "i don't appreciate your comments, and i'm leaving now." then... DO IT. sure, you run the risk of being labeled uptight or oversensitive, but at least this way you get to skip the holiday ordeal.

***

q: recession aside, i don't have the money to buy presents for everyone i'd like to this year. (honestly, i don't think i have the money for it ANY year.) i'd like to bow out from present giving (and receiving, of course), gracefully and without a whole bunch of awkwardness, but i have no idea how to. i've traditionally been a gift giver, and so is everyone in my family. i don't want to be the odd one out, either.

- wrap it up

a: there may not be a way to avoid being the odd one out, but there are definitely ways to opt out of the usual holiday gift exchanges. whether or not you feel comfortable telling the people exchange gifts with in person or not is up to you - a simple email should suffice if that's all you're up to, and would avoid some of that interpersonal awkwardness that might come should you decide to announce this decision in person.

all you have to do is simply let everyone know that you've decided not to exchange gifts this year. you can mention why, but there's no need to, really, as that's really none of anyone's business. if you want to, feel free to give people who might want to buy you a gift anyway the option of donating to your favorite charity. cheesy, we know, but also good.

ask a bitch: volume fifty

2008-12-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

q: i met a guy that i think i might like to have a long-term relationship with... but the first time i was invited over to his house to watch movies, i was startled at how messy his house was. you couldn't find a place on the kitchen table to put a plate on if you wanted to it was so cluttered and i couldn't tell you the last time he swept or mopped. how do you overlook something like that? it really turned me off to see such a mess.

- miss clean

a: it's a shame that there are so many people in the world that don't understand the value of a clean and organized and good smelling space, but the fact is, they do. and most of the time, there's not much you can do about it.

we hope, for your sake, that the boy you want to have a long term relationship is just young and not used to cleaning up after himself and that as he matures he will learn how to do this fairly simple thing. if he's older and lives in squalor, he probably just likes it. why? we don't know. some people just do.

the best you can do is be honest with him. tell him that you were grossed out by the mess he lives in, and that it really and truly made you consider not having a relationship with him or that you really and truly can't have a relationship with him because of it. he might be offended, but it might make him look around his apartment and realize that yes, it's gross, and that it's time to clean up.

if he doesn't want to clean it up, be thankful that you're not discovering how messy he is after a relationship has already begun and realize that you're free as ever to find someone with room on their kitchen table to eat dinner.

***

q: my boyfriend of 5 months and i are having a problem. we love being together and feel we are perfect for each other. he does not want to break up, but for some reason, which he says he can't figure out, he says he has to think of other situations with other girls in order to have sex with me. i asked if he wants to break up and try to be with other people but he feels that it is not a good reason to break up and wants to try to fix the problem and get past it. i am fine with it but not sure of if or how he can fix it. i can't see myself with anyone else and he says he only wants to be with me. am i wasting my time? is there anything i can do to help him?

- fantasy girl

a: let's dispense with this "fixing" a "problem" business right away, shall we?

what your boyfriend is doing is called fantasizing, and it's totally normal. we all do it at least once in a while, some of us more than others. some of us call it up as a desperate measure in desperate times while some of us thrive on it, making it the core of our sexual lives. your boyfriend sounds like one of those latter someones. certainly, there's nothing wrong with employing fantasy is your sex life, and we're almost tempted to commend your boyfriend for feeling comfortable enough to tell you what's going on with him. seriously, as long as your boyfriend is open, honest, and attentive to you sexually, this isn't a problem.

but if you're "fine" with it, you probably know all that.

it sounds like your bf needs a little bit of reassuring and encouragement. let the bitches reassure him that fantasizing is normal and encourage him to continue sharing it with you, as it could lead to a more fulfilling sex life for the both of you. let him know that you're happy to indulge him as long as he's happy to indulge you, and that both of you win that way. also let him know that if he keeps acting weird and uncomfortable, it's going to be damaging to your sex life, and both of you lose that way. if he persists in his discomfort, encourage him to do what we encourage everyone else to do: see a therapist.

***

q: my boyfriend of two years wants me to move in with him. "count your blessings," my girlfriends tell me. well, that's exactly what i'm not doing...even though i'm very much in love with him, and happy with our relationship, which i'd describe as "committed and stable." i just got out of college a year ago (as did my boyfriend), and this is my first time living alone and being completely independent. even though my boyfriend stays over at my place a lot, and i stay over at his place even more, i like having my own space to come back to. i can't see how he and i can merge our styles of living, which are very different on major levels - namely, decor. am i being selfish and immature in my reluctance to compromise?

- a room of one's own

a: on the contrary! you're a young adult who's just finished school and is experiencing the thrill of total independence for the first time. you can eat what you want, watch what you want, and clean or not clean if you feel like it, with nobody to answer to but yourself. it's a great feeling, and you've earned it.

it's not selfish and immature to enjoy your own living space. you spend a lot of time there, and all your stuff is there - it's natural that you would want it to reflect your personal taste and be a comfortable haven from the world when you want to be alone. even happy, intimate couples need some time apart to breathe and recharge (in fact, you could argue that that's what MAKES happy couples), and your home is exactly that for you: a place to relax and be comfy by yourself when you need it. why feel guilty about that?

it sounds like you're in a committed, loving relationship, and your bf wants to express that closeness by moving to the next level. but that only works when both people want it, and if you're not ready to give up your cozy cave, forcing yourself to cohabitate won't be fun for anyone. in the meantime, work on those compromising skills. differing style habits can cause major angst, so try meeting each other halfway - figure out what you can live with, and what's too ugly to bear. if you hate his ratty old beer-stained couch, take him shopping to browse for a new one (which will give you a chance to compare your tastes and practice finding a mutually pleasing compromise). decor may seem important now as an expression of your personal style, but when and if you decide to merge households, you'll find that differing tastes in throw pillows is the least of your problems.

take some baby steps toward merging your individual lives, and give it time - if you're really going to be 2-gether 4-ever, there's no rush to move in at your tender age. but if you still find it utterly impossible to imagine living happily ever after with your man, we say dump the guy and keep the apartment.

***

q: when i was conceived, my real father was married to another woman. my mother knew that and gave him an ultimatum: divorce your wife, or you will never see the child i am carrying. he tried to see me anyway, but my mother put a stop to that when i was a year old. recently, i learned where my father lives. i want to contact him. if i were him, i would wonder how my child was and want to know if she was brought up with love.

my mother and father were wrong in their affair, but i do not judge them on that. i don't want to tell my mother if i contact him, because i don't want to hurt her. she and i have never gotten along because she constantly criticizes me.

i am 34, a strong person emotionally, and an optimist. my feelings of needing to contact my father get stronger every year. i will not be hurt if he says he isn't interested, but the wondering eats at me - does he wish to contact me, but is afraid of what my mother told me about him? he is now 77 years old. i don't want him leaving this world wondering, but i am afraid to do anything about it.

- thank heaven for little girls

a: in general, the bitches do not advocate family feuds, or shunning wicked parents for life. do people make terrible, selfish decisions all the time, deeply hurting the loved ones they should care about most? yes. does it mean they can't sincerely regret their mistakes, change for the better, and deserve forgiveness? no.

but let's look at the facts. your biological father was cheating on his wife when he got your mom pregnant; he didn't fess up and divorce his wife to be with your mom and you; and he allowed your mom to shoo him away from any contact with you. so maybe your mom was right to shut him down, because he kind of sounds like a selfish jerk. if he's been content to be totally hands-off all your life, what do you think will be different now? he may not even realize that you know he exists (since you call him your "real" father, implying that there's another non-biological father figure in the picture).

you say that you're concerned about his feelings if he dies with this matter unresolved, but his feelings are not your problem – he's an adult, you're an adult, and if he wanted to be in touch with you that strongly, he would have done so on his own, maternal fatwa or no. if, however, you feel that for YOUR OWN sense of resolution and forgiveness, you want to extend an invitation to him to be part of your life, you are free to do so – and you are not obligated to tell your mother about it, if you feel she wouldn't be supportive.

write a letter telling him what you know about your history, how it makes you feel, and what you hope to gain by making contact at this late date. then hold on to that letter for a while. you may find that writing it all out provides the catharsis and closure that you need, and allows you to make peace with the situation. Or you may decide to mail the letter after all – but try not to be disappointed if you don't get a reply. despite the romantic notion of a wicked mother tragically separating a father from his daughter, the simplest explanation for why you've never heard from him is that, for whatever selfish or cowardly reason, he just doesn't want a relationship with you. that's sad, but it's not your fault, so take care of your own feelings and let him deal with his.

ask a bitch: volume forty-nine

2008-10-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: lately I've been browsing through personals ads, and i'm absolutely bewildered by the number of women who put "no mind games" in their profile. "i'm too old for mind games." "i don't have the patience for games." "i'm looking for a serious relationship without any head games."

so what the heck is it that women don't want me to do? what constitutes a "mind game"? who could they possibly be trying to discourage with this prohibition? is this code for something else, like "no one-night stands" or "no breaking up with me before i'm ready"?

- bewildered

a: the kind of person who makes a very special emphasis to include in a personal ad that they are not interested in "mind games" (as opposed to most people, who assume that other people will know it's not very nice to fuck around with their heads) are probably the sort of people who've been led astray by some charmingly evil assholes in the past. you know, jilted ex-lovers, people who've been cheated on, i just found out my boyfriend is gay, i had a one night stand with someone who said they loved me but didn't really, etc.

because "mind games" is an essentially meaningless term, we have to assume it simply applies to a lack of forthrightness and honesty in a relationship. and then, we have to agree that those are not cool. having someone lie to you or be disingenuous in their dealings with you doesn't feel good, and people don't like it. if they've had recent experiences with it, they probably just want to emphasize how crappy it feels when posting their new personal ad.

certainly, people are responsible for their own lives and should be accountable for their relationship choices, at least inasmuch as they can be. if a person isn't interested in one night stands, he or she should try to avoid having sex with people they aren't sure will stick around. if you have a sinking feeling that the person you're dating is the slimy sort of jerk who will cheat on you, you should probably avoid him or her. and so on. you aren't responsible for the lies other people tell you, but you are responsible for the lies you tell yourself.

to answer your other question, women, and men, usually just want potential lovers/partners/friends to be honest. and not break up with them before they're ready.

***

q: hey, bitches, how come it takes women so damn long to get out of cars? i'll be peering out through my blinds, or crouching behind a bush somewhere, trying to figure if the woman who just pulled up to the curb is actually hot of if she's a porker who just happens to have a nice face, and she'll sit in that damn for like FOREVER, or at least for five minutes, before getting out. what's that all about?

- peeping tom

a: bitches everywhere know they do take forever to get out of cars. and bitches everywhere know the answer is simple: we have more stuff. more stuff that we have to gather up and move from house to car, from car to wherever, and back into the car later on.

basically, every man we know only carries around the bare essentials, or whatever he can stuff into his pockets. keys, wallet, phone, maybe some gum or smokes. women, on the other hand, have to be prepared for every possible scenario in a given day. that's why, when searching though a woman's purse, you might find those bare essentials of wallet, keys, and phone, but you'll also probably find a notebook, some tampons, books or magazines, bananas, several chapsticks, sunglasses, tissues, a bottle of water, gum, makeup and whatever else she thought it was a possibility she might want access to while away from the confines of her home. it's sort of insane, but then, also, you never know. you might, someday, use all that crap in a single day, validating this practice.

not to mention, we always check our teeth. ALWAYS.

***

q: when my ex and i ended things, i insisted that we no longer communicate. i felt it would be harder for me to move on with my life if he was still in it, and i didn't really like him as a person enough to want to be friends. i told him i would get in touch with him when and if i ever felt ready, but not to expect it. i did not delete him from every corner of my life - his number is still in my phone, i am still friends with him on myspace, we remain in each other's instant message contacts, etc. although i don't see any future where i want to him in my life, it seemed like it would be hateful and mean to do that kind of thing, not to mention unhealthy for me to obsessively cull him from my life.

we're coming up on the time of year during which we dealt with something very serious and traumatic, which affected us both deeply and was very painful, especially for me. at the time, we bonded over it, but it turned out to be something that drove us further apart. i sense that he is trying to reconnect with me now (via posting on myspace, talking about me with friends who then report back to me, etc.) but i honestly don't want anything to do with him, now or ever. if he's contacting me to commiserate, he's mistaken in thinking i want to grieve with him over a loss i blame him for, and he's being completely disrespectful of the fact that i told him not to.

i don't want to contact him, even if it's an email to ask him to please respectfully leave me the fuck alone, but is that what i have to do?

- don't call me, i'll call you

a: darn those exes! they never listen when it comes to respecting your stated wishes on whether, when, or how much to communicate. not only does it go against what you previously agreed on, it probably reminds you of all the irritating traits that led to the breakup in the first place, right?

but... things do change. and, more importantly, feelings change. what seems like white-hot hatred or irrevocably burned bridges at the time of a breakup may fade with time, as distance cools things off. so maybe your ex was hoping that that was the case, and now that some time has passed, your anger and grief have mellowed out enough to allow him some tiny place in your life. maybe he misses your friendship, and the other good qualities that made him like you to begin with. or maybe he, too, is mourning over the tragic event that drove you apart, and wants to reach out to the person who shared it with him, and who might understand his sorrow and hurt. while this goes against what you asked him to do, it doesn't necessarily add up to "disrespect" or defiance, per se.

so far, he's been sending out little feelers in indirect ways, rather than contacting you himself. so you have two choices: either ignore his hints, or send him a once-and-for-all shutdown that will make it clear. the myspace comments can be ignored and deleted, and if your friends are being meddling middlemen, tell them gently that you would rather not hear anything about your ex anymore, and change the subject. but if you do decide to send your ex an unmistakable rejection, resist the urge to tear him a new one. believe us, there are plenty worse things exes can do than try to reach out to make amends or bond over shared grief.

***

q: i'm really annoyed with myself for having a wandering eye/mind to other women. let me explain: i am in a relationship, which did end for some time during the spring. during that period, when we were still "figuring out" what to do, she slept with/saw another man. i remained faithful, hoping that we would get back together. this summer, after a lot of work on both our ends, we did. things are okay, but not ideal - i feel that in some ways a) the trust i had was chipped at a bit (not that i wasn't a jerk before, but that's another story) and b) all that work kind of wore me out emotionally to where it's hard to "only" concentrate on her & me.

i don't want to be unfaithful and don't think i will be - but i want to stop looking at other chicks and wondering what it'd be like to get in their pants. help!!!

- reunited, and it feels so... good?

a: sit down, please. this won't be easy to hear, but - dr. bitch and nurse bitch have diagnosed you with a terminal, incurable case of... being human.

just because you're in a serious, monogamous relationship doesn't mean you stop noticing attractive people - and, if they're attractive enough, it might lead you to idly wondering what they're like sans pants. this is ENTIRELY normal, and not something to beat yourself up about, as long as it stays purely theoretical. everyone has these urges - it's whether you act on them or not that determines faithfulness.

if you don't want to be unfaithful, then you won't be. your sense of right and wrong, and your dedication to rebuilding your damaged relationship, will keep you from venturing too far down that path. it's a long way from noticing a cute girl walking her dog in the park to approaching her, talking to her, asking for her number, meeting her for drinks, inviting her back to your place, and adulterizing her, and we think you're smart enough to realize where the boundaries are.

your relationship has had its problems, and committing to working the issues out and repairing the damage is a lot harder than cutting bait and starting over with someone new. you've got enough on your plate without punishing yourself for occasional daydreaming. on the other hand, if you suspect that your wandering eye is a hint that you're not as committed to fixing your relationship as you thought, then you need to be honest with yourself about that - without using cheating as an exit strategy.

ask a bitch: volume forty-eight

2008-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i was in a very solid and passionate seven-year relationship. we met in middle school and had been dating from our junior year in high school until this past june. needless to say, we know each other well, had seen each other's ups and downs, and were a perfect fit.
things started to change about a year ago when both of us were trying to figure out if it was going to be "us" for the rest of our lives. i suggested that we take it easy for a little while in order to give us some room to breathe. however, no matter whom i dated, my heart and mind was always with him. he moved to another state for his master's and i stayed behind to work and complete my master's as well.
all of a sudden, boom - calls stop, emails remain dormant, and he is not acting his "normal" self. mutual friends divulge that he had been eyeing other girls throughout this past year. i approach him gently with this information and he shuts me out. at a friend's event, we finally meet each other after about two weeks of no communication. it was painfully awkward - something was definitely up. i finally asked him "is there someone else?" after denying it a few times, he finally fessed up, saying that he was "getting to know another girl." i started feeling sad, lonely, and depressed - reliving memories and torturing myself with thoughts of whether or not he's making new ones with "her." it also didn't help that his friends tell me about the things they do together (inside and outside of the bedroom!). according to his friends, she is absolutely nothing like me – in morals, in aspiration, even in personality and depth (as she is younger and still maturing perhaps).
i'm not one to mope for long. however, there are times when i just cannot shake off the pain that i've felt these past few months and i wonder where we went wrong. at this point, we are no longer in communication whatsoever. am i just overreacting about the whole situation? am i missing something that might be hindering me from my healing? can you please shed some light on this dark corner of my life without the use of the words "it's his loss!"?
- seven-year itch

a: there's nothing wrong with some moping after a long-term relationship comes to an end. it's normal to grieve for the loss of what you two had, especially if you believed it was going to be a lifelong partnership, and to go back and try to figure out what went wrong. it's also normal, if unhelpful, to torture yourself with imagining your ex and his new chick frolicking happily and gazing adoringly at each other, and to wonder what he sees in her that he didn't see in you.

but, you know, there's a ton of growing and changing that happens during the years that you two were dating. that's when you go from being a kid to really becoming a young adult: taking charge of your education, becoming financially independent, pursuing advanced degrees, and embarking on your chosen career. as part of that, you gain personal experience, learn more about who you are and what you want out of life - and trust us, your priorities, goals, and desires WILL change during these important years. which is as it should be, since most teenagers' priorities include drinking cheap beer and buying a new cellphone.

it's not so surprising that two people who were a great match in their teens might evolve and grow into two people who don't want the same things in their mid-twenties. you got a hint of this when you suggested a trial separation - so maybe there was something going on even then, which you didn't want to examine more closely. or maybe you had just gotten so familiar and comfortable with each other that you assumed he was still the same person you first fell in love with, and couldn't (or wouldn't) see the signs of change.

we won't say that it's his loss - or yours - because we're not so sure that it is. not that you're not fabulous, but clearly you were not the right lifelong match for each other. and, really, very few of us would want to entrust our 17-year-old selves with picking out a mate for life! instead, cherish the memories of the loving, intimate relationship you enjoyed for many years, and know that when you are finished with your own personal development, you will find someone who loves and appreciates your mature, adult self, and who WILL be a perfect fit for you then.

***

q: i go on dates pretty regularly, and while i usually have a nice time, i don't always want to go on a second date. if we don't click, or the conversation lags, or there's just no chemistry, i feel like it's a waste of both of our time to keep going out. but often, the guy will ask as we are parting ways, "do you want to go out again sometime?" this seems pushy and rude to me - it really puts you on the spot and it's very awkward to say no to their face, but they leave you no choice when they ambush you with the question! why is it that i can sense the lack of chemistry, but they can't? and what is the best reply when a lackluster date cluelessly pushes for a second meeting?

- dating games

a: it is a totally weird and bizarre phenomenon of dating that one person can feel totally excellent & amazing chemistry while the other person is totally just waiting for their next available opportunity to bail. it happens, and while it seems like it should be obvious when someone is totally bored or totally in love, it's often hard to read a person you're only on your very first date with, because you don't them well enough to yet.

asking if you want to go out again sometime might be a little pushy and rude, but it might help for you to take it as a compliment instead of an ambush. the person asking you out again obviously likes you enough to ask, and it's because you've been your normal charming self while on the date. his or her lack of ability to sense your lack of interest isn't totally clueless, it's more like hopeful.

that said, if you know you don't want to go another date with this person, there's no reason to let them believe you do. telling them you'd rather not (but that you had a very nice time and thank you very much for the company) might seem awkward and harsh, but rejection is a part of dating (and we'd like to say A VERY MAJOR PART OF IT), and anyway, you're sparing them in the long run. if you go the less awkward and less harsh route of giving them an excuse or telling them you'll call or saying you'd love to but secretly knowing you'll never answer or return their calls, you're just going to end up hurting their feelings more, and put yourself in a position where you might end up going on an uncomfortable second date just because you couldn't say no to it.

after all, put yourself in their shoes, and remember that you wouldn't want to be waiting by the phone for someone who knew they were never going to call you back when they told you they would.

***

q: the other day i was at my favorite korean hot bowl place and i accidentally left a thirteen-dollar tip on a ten dollar tab (i'd meant to leave three ones, but instead left two ones and a ten). i didn't realize this until about thirty minutes later, but i immediately ruled out going back and explaining the mistake and trying to get some of that money back.
however, it later occurred to me that my mistake may have given my waitress the wrong idea about me. normally, when a guy overtips a waitress, he has designs on her, or at least thinks she's very hot. and waitresses, by and large, are cynical seen-it-all dames who pocket the money and don't give it a second thought. but in this case, my waitress was a cute little japanese-american girl who can't be more than sixteen years old. i'd prefer for her not to think that i'm some creepy gaijin over twice her age who wants to be a one-man postwar occupation force.
so, the next time i eat there and she serves me, do i make some reference to having accidentally over-tipped her? like, say, leave a one-dollar bill and say "i'm sorry this is such a small tip, but i accidentally gave you thirteen dollars last time." or should i just act like it never happened and give her a standard two- or three-dollar tip and make sure i never give her cause to think i'm a pervy asianaphile humbert humbert?

- hot pot

a: we blame america. it is our country's fault for not having fun, brightly-colored bills so you can easily tell how much you're pulling out of your wallet. and those big numbers just don't cut it. even canada has cooler money than we do, and that's just sad. but if it makes you feel better, we've all been in the same boat - accidentally dropping a too-big bill into a tip jar, trying to fish out a single for a hobo and having to awkwardly, visibly stuff $5s and $20s back in your wallet... any time money is involved, there is the possibility of embarrassing gaffes.

as for the little kawaii waitress, why make assumptions? maybe the giggly cuteness is a front, and she's a steely-eyed broad who secretly despises her foreign barbarian customers, but is only too happy to take their cash. maybe she realized it was a mistake, but couldn't do anything about it either. or maybe she just thought, "awesome! now i can buy some hello kitty barrettes for my pigtails!"

don't worry too much about it. it's only creepy if you wrote your phone number and favorite sexual position on the back of the $10 bill. and no, don't under-tip next time in order to make it average out. next time you're there, just go back to your regular tipping level - chances are she's forgotten about it anyway, and it would be exponentially more awkward if you attempted to explain to her why you were shorting her this time to make up for unintentionally over-tipping her last time.

***

q: five years ago, while we were in college, my now fiancée cheated on me. we broke up then, but have dated off and on since then, and are best friends to the core and love spending time together. we got back together seriously last december and engaged in april. we know each other well, are more than old enough, and are both ready to take this step.

three weeks ago she went to a conference out-of-state that's to last a month. we've emailed each other every day and talked on the phone here and there until a few days ago. she's sent a couple brief messages, but they aren't her normal tone, so i knew something was up. i went into her e-mail account yesterday (which i know was wrong) and from a heart-wrenching note to her best friend, i learned she cheated on me with someone in her program. she is not sure she loves him but has serious doubts about marrying me.

i love her, but at the same time i am absolutely furious. and the worst part is i have to wait another week to see her and talk about this. can this be fixed? can we move past this and stay engaged?

- twice bitten

a: people who snoop don't usually like what they find. but sometimes, people snoop because they already know what they're going to find, and just want confirmation of it.

we know and you know that it was totally wrong and distasteful and creepy of you to sneak into your fiancee's email while she was away at a conference, but we all also know that it is totally worse of her to be fucking some dude at a conference where you'd never find out. unless you did something sneaky. of course, finding out this way means you can hardly tell her how untrustworthy she is (or, you can, but you might not want to emphasize that, based on how you found out), but it doesn't mean she should get away with this.

when she returns, you need to confront her about what she's done. 'fess up to what you've done, but don't let her focus on that. while you do owe her an apology for violating her privacy, do that and move on. your conversation needs to focus on your relationship, and whether or not it is reparable, or if either of you wants to repair it, if so.

with hard work (and therapy, always therapy!), your relationship might survive. the odds might not be good, but if you both want it to work, it's within the realm of possibility. but... why would you want it to work? loving someone is not, despite what fairy tales might tell you, enough of a reason to stay together. think practically: this is a woman who has cheated on you consistently, who admits in messages to friends that she might not want to be with you (and so, the whole thing might be moot, and she may have already decided the relationship is over), and whom you clearly do not trust. ask yourself if that, truly, is what you want in the woman you spend the rest of your life with, and then proceed.

ask a bitch: volume forty-seven

2008-09-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i'm a 22 year-old college guy with dating problems. every time i meet a woman i want to date, it goes bust. my friends say i'm too aggressive. recently, i met a woman i liked. after we talked on the phone a couple times, i asked her out. she told me to give her some time to think about it. i freaked out and told her that if she had to think about it, we probably shouldn't be going out. i wasn't aggressive or anything, and i took my time by going with the flow. what is it that women want? i'm ready to throw in the towel.

- gunshy

a: if your friends are telling you that you're too aggressive with the women you want to date, they're probably right. now, this might not be the thing you want to hear from them - after all, then it would be YOUR problem and not a problem with the women you want to date. the thing is, your friends can see you from the outside, from the perspective of people who can get dates with the women they like (we assume), and from the perspective of people who are going to be honest with you because they want you to be happy (again, we assume).

there's nothing wrong with your timeline of meeting a woman, getting her number, talking to her on the phone a few times and then asking her out. and you know, there's also nothing wrong with being disappointed when someone you are into puts you off or tells you no. there is, however, something wrong with your reaction to her telling you she'd like to think about your offer. to be honest, it's totally creepy to tell someone that you "probably shouldn't be going out" just after they've rejected your offer of a date (um, duh) and it certainly won't win you any favors with the women you're trying to woo. how about something like "the offer stands whenever you'd like to accept it"? not only is that polite and respectful, but it's also NOT AGGRESSIVE OR DESPERATE.

women, at the very least and as a general rule, don't like men who are aggressive and desperate before they've even accepted a date with them.

***

q: i am 36 and exclusively dating someone, 41, for almost a year now. i feel, given our age, we should have enough experience to know whether we would like to pursue a serious relationship. when i ask my boyfriend about a future commitment, which means he wants me in his future and is committed to making it work, his response is, "let's take it slow." frankly, i don't know how much slower i can take it. i am not insinuating marriage or even living together. i would like to know he is committed to the possibility of a life together.

what is a reasonable period for someone to know if they are willing to commit on the level i described? i understand everyone works on a different time clock, but when does time run out? he will only share that he loves me if i ask him. i am a patient, caring, loving, smart woman who has a lot to offer. i love this man, but i am realistic and will not wait forever.

- any slower and we'd be going backwards

a: time runs out when you are sick of waiting for an answer you're not going to get.

yes, every relationship is unique, and everyone has different ideas about when it's time to start thinking seriously about the future (or whether there IS a future). some people move in after a month of dating, and some stay engaged for five years. the only way to really know how the other person feels is to bring it up and see what they say, which you've tried several times and gotten rebuffed with the bullshit "let's take it slow" line.

it's possible that he has genuine reasons for wanting to go slow, which he hasn't shared. is he divorced, and reluctant to try marriage a second time? was he massively betrayed by his last serious GF, and is anxious about committing and being hurt again? is he assuming that you want to get married within a year, and panicking? things like that. but if so, he needs to share that history with you, and explain why he might need more time, so you can make your decision with all the relevant info.

but if he's just fobbing you off with lame excuses, and he won't even tell you he loves you unless you ask, then we have to agree - you deserve better, and you definitely deserve someone who can tell you what he wants, whatever that may be. we think you should speed up... and head for the exit.

***

q: a friend of mine is kind of a dumbass, with a tendency to get rapidly and extremely drunk on a not terribly large amount of alcohol. he passes out in bars, leaving his friends to pick up his carcass and carry him home. he's notorious for passing out at parties and spending the night on people's front lawns or in their bushes, or if he's inside, peeing in their closets in the wee hours. because of this, people tend to let him lie where he crumbled, or to even drag him back outside after he's collapsed inside their apartments.

recently, he passed out on the front porch of his apartment building. the next day, one of his neighbors posted a dozen photos on her myspace page, depicting my friend lying unconscious on their communal porch while a crowd of his neighbors "posed" with him. the poses ranged from his female neighbor pretending to cover him with kisses and unzip his pants to his male neighbors pretending to sodomize him or defecate on him. in one photo, one of his neighbors (who happens to be a friend of his) stands over him with his penis out as if he's just finished masturbating, while another points at the glob of mayonnaise that's been applied to my friend's face to suggest spooge. should i tell my friend about this? he doesn't have a myspace account and is unaware of the existence of these photos. he's not identified in the captions, so it's not something that would come up in a background check or that will mean anything to anyone who doesn't already know him, but still, it is is embarassing and quite possibly something he should know about.

- take a picture, it'll last longer

a: oh, the stories we bitches could tell about committing one's drunken romps on film forever. and the double folly of then uploading said pics to the internets, where they can proliferate and take on a humiliating public life of their own. of course, your friend wasn't exactly conscious for the photo shoot, so we guess we'll let him off the hook for that part.

presumably your drunken friend knows that he does stupid shit when he gets trashed, acts like a jerk, and pisses off everyone who has the misfortune of being around when he's drinking. yet it's not enough to stop him from doing it over and over. well, maybe these pictures will be a rude awakening that he is quite literally out of control when he drinks, and that he's lucky he hasn't had much worse things happen to his passed-out body when he collapses in public.

so, yes, absolutely show him the pics. if he gets all outraged and wants to confront the photographers, remind him that it never would have been possible if he had taken responsibility for his drinking and showed some grownup moderation. maybe, just maybe, having to do the walk of shame every day past the neighbors who mocked and humiliated him will make it sink in that he can't go on like this indefinitely.

***

q: i have no closure on a situation in which i was used, and i regret it bitterly. several months ago i ended a long-distance, codependent relationship with a charming alcoholic. he agreed, via the phone, to return personal items of mine. he also stated he would repay me for long-distance calls he made from my home while i was at work. this is one of those things i need adult confirmation on - do i send a second letter reminding him to return my things and repay me? civil, polite letter number one did not work.

- open door

a: while it is always hard to move on from a relationship when you don't feel there's closure, the worst thing to do for yourself is to dwell on it, or to dwell on the person who won't provide you with said closure.

look, the guy you used to date was an asshole. he's only reconfirming that he's an asshole by refusing to return your items or to pay you back money that he owes you. it's not fair of him to do this to you, but it's obviously what he does best. you did the smart thing when you ended the relationship with him, now cut your losses there.

by giving this man your time, your energy, your civil letters - you are wasting your own resources. and not only are you wasting them, but ON THE SAME ASSHOLE YOU ALREADY HAD TO BREAK UP WITH ONCE. what you need to do is put that effort into bringing your own closure to the situation - whether this means getting back out into the dating world, hanging out with your closest friends and family, signing up for a cooking class, learning to speak a foreign language, buying a puppy, seeing a therapist (which is our best recommendation for you) - you need to start focusing on YOU instead of HIM. it's the only way you'll ever get closure - because even if he were to return your things and fork up the money, that wouldn't be real closure, and you're using it as an excuse.

if, however, he owes you buckets of money, or has items of great personal or monetary value, you should look into a lawyer and small claims court. but only if you also promise to look into that therapist.

ask a bitch: volume forty-six

2008-08-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i put in my two-week notice working with SED kids to attempt working with mainstream kids in a public school. i was over-excited about the potential of leading a less chaotic lifestyle and blabbed to my co-worker about the job opportunity, who promptly stabbed me in the back and finagled the job. i later shared with him how awkward i felt for myself while simutaneously trying to be happy for him... and he chalked it up to gender, i.e., a need for therapist dudes... which was oddly comforting because i have a bazillion years of experience over him. now: a co-worker sent out an email inviting us all to treat him to lunch next week. do i bite the bullet and help buy him lunch? is it more degrading or honorable to give him my money on top of the lead to a better-paying job he got, according to him, because he has a penis?

- free lunch

a: hmm, it's a tough question. having inadvertently helped a coworker nab a higher-paying promotion that you were hoping to get, do you continue to supplement his suddenly-increased income by forking out cash for his congratulatory luncheon?

we can only assume that you were pissed and disappointed that your coworker snagged the job you wanted. of course, it does happen that people who work in the same office will have their eyes on the same job opportunity, but it sounds like this was something that he wouldn't necessarily have found out about if not for you. so for him to sneakily apply for the job himself without at least letting you know does seem pretty tacky, if not downright back-stabbing. if, however, it was a public job announcement that he could have found on his own, well, that's not as evil... though it doesn't sound like he was very sympathetic or receptive to your situation, if he was basically just swinging his dick around while you talked about your conflicted feelings.

if we're reading your question right, though, you've already given notice at your old job but now don't have a new job to transition to, since it got offered to your coworker. so... if you're about to be unemployed, indirectly because of this coworker, why are you even considering giving him your money to celebrate his deception and ruthlessness? you need your money more than he does! besides, if you've given notice, they should be taking YOU out to a farewell lunch, rather than soliciting cash from you in your last few days on the job.

***

q: why do so many women want a bad boy instead of a nice guy? even models and actresses turn to these bad boy types when they are absolutely gorgeous and could get any man they want. doesn't this encourage nice guys to turn into bad boys to get girls?

- nice, but reconsidering

a: it would be wonderful if we could heartily disagree with your assessment that women like bad boys, but the fact is, it's often sort of true.

it's not that the women who are drawn to "bad boys" really want someone who is going to treat them like shit (okay, maybe in even smaller cases, but generally, no), it's that the women who are drawn to this type of man can clearly see that he's not going to let a woman walk all over him. and let's face it - a lot of women want that in their mates. so-called "nice guys" don't immediately strike our fancy because well, we don't want someone who is nice - we want a MAN, goddammit.

"nice guys" lose because they pander to us, and then we get bored with them.

however, women don't want assholes. really. we want equals. or, if not equals, compatible partner(s). usually a person who lets you walk all over them is neither equal nor suitable for partnerhood.

although in some cases... nevermind.

***

q: last year i abruptly ended a relationship with my next-door neighbor because she used me as a convenience and did not treat me as a friend. six months ago, she sent a card explaining that she did not understand why i no longer talked to her. i did not respond. now she has employed the use of mutual acquaintances to get to me. i have not addressed this to them because, quite frankly, it didn't involve them. unfortunately, now it does. how do i address this without coming off as the "bad guy"?

- please, won't you be my neighbor

a: ouch. see, this is EXACTLY why the bitches caution their readers against fishing in the office/apartment-building dating pool. if things don't work out - which, let's be honest, they often don't - then you're stuck with seeing your crappy ex almost daily, in situations where you at least have to be polite, rather than sharing with the world the many terrible things they did to you.

whatever the circumstances of your relationship, your ex is being naive if she can't understand why you're not "friends" after the breakup. by definition, a breakup involves hurt feelings, disagreements, and rejection, and someone who has been through all that will not necessarily want to be friends with the person who made it happen. it's your choice whether you want to maintain any sort of relationship with her, and you obviously don't, which is fine.

now your ex is continuing her insensitive and hurtful treatment by dragging your mutual acquaintances into the picture, and talking negatively about you to them. clearly she's hoping it will get back to you, but her behavior is inappropriate and unfair to everyone. if your acquaintances tell you what she's been saying or ask what's going on, all you need to say is, "our relationship ended and she is no longer a part of my life. i wish her all the best." (even if that last part isn't true.) if they keep pushing, say, "i'd rather not talk about it." you don't need to explain yourself or justify yourself any further to mere acquaintances, and if they have any class at all, they won't ask. but if your ex continues to harass you, you might consider moving to another location when your lease is up... and NOT dating anyone at your new building.

***

q: i love my girlfriend of four years; she's awesome. we're in our 30s, both divorced. neither of us wants to remarry, and she doesn't need my money. yet, she's given me an ultimatum: move in with her or it's over. i'm completely committed but want to live separately. beyond preferring living alone, i feel i value her more that way. she argues we're not "moving forward," and feels "humiliated in front of (her) friends." she accuses me of being selfish and wanting everything my way. the last time she brought this up, i said i can't give her what she wants and she should find someone who can. nevertheless, she's stayed with me and is "waiting" for me to change my mind.

- stuck

a: it seems your girlfriend has come to the point in her relationship with you where she feels it stagnating, and she wants to save it or abandon it. you can hardly blame her - four years is a long time to be in a relationship that (in her mind) has stayed the same.

you've done the right thing: made it clear how you feel, made it clear what you want and do not want from her, and made it clear that you are not going to change your mind. we'd urge you to do so again, emphasizing that your committment to her has nothing to do with external factors like living together. that's true, after all.

and then, emphasize your committment to her with external displays because it sounds like that's what she needs most right now (hence the "humiliated in front of her friends" bit). since you're not going to move in with her, why don't you throw her an anniversary party and invite her friends, take her on a trip that she can tell all her friends about, or invest in something shared - like a puppy or some houseplants. she wants a confirmation that your relationship is growing despite living together, and the words coming out of your mouth just aren't enough - so give it to her.

if that doesn't do it, it may be that your lady wants something from a relationship that you're not ever going to be able to provide. if that's the case, don't let her wait in vain, thinking that someday you're going to change.

ask a bitch: volume forty-five

2008-08-05T15:59:00.001-07:00

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!
go on, do it now!
xoxo, the bitches.

q: i recently learned that a friend of mine was bullied by a mutual acquaintance while in high school - not just bullied in a "made fun of" sort of way, but bullied in a sexually forceful way. much time has passed and my friend is in a place where he's forgiven his tormentor, but i'm simply unable to. although neither of us are "friends" with this man, he is known to both of us, is a father and a minimally successful businessman. i find myself wanting to enact justice/revenge on this man for what he did, but i'm not sure if it's my place, and if it is my place - what i should do about it. i understand that many years have passed, and that a lot of people do things when they are young under pressure which they later realize are wrong, but i just don't feel like it's enough.

- the avenger

a: that's definitely a horrible thing to suddenly discover, years after the fact - not only that your friend was bullied and sexually intimidated, but that it happened at the hands of someone you both know, and who's now an apparently respectable member of society. and you're right that this kind of abuse can take a long time to get over, and some never do.

but... your friend evidently has. he says he's moved on, received some degree of closure and even forgiven his attacker, which sounds pretty healthy and constructive to us. so why, exactly, is this bothering YOU so much? do you not believe that your friend has genuinely dealt with the fallout from the bullying incident? does this strike a chord with some unresolved abuse or bullying that you yourself suffered? are you troubled by your failure to notice what was going on back then, and do something about it while it was happening? you don't say whether you knew the bully back when this was going on, or if this was an acquaintance you made in adulthood and have just now found out about their mutual history.

you're right - your friend's past is not the stuff of your personal vengeance crusades, especially if he assures you all is forgiven. it's not for you to dig that rotting corpse back up again and stage a three-way confrontation on someone else's behalf, OR poison his dog to level the karmic scale. if you suspect that he is suffering some lasting psychological harm from the incident, talk to him about it, express that you are concerned for him and outraged on his behalf, and offer support if he wishes to get counseling. otherwise, we suspect that this is more about something that's going on within you. take a good hard look inside, and be honest with yourself about why this is upsetting you so much - the answers you find may not be pretty, but it sounds like you need to know.

***

q: i am a happily married man. i have become smitten with a co-worker. she is young, attractive, shapely, intelligent and funny. she has a great personality and we get along together well. i am self-conscious and awkward when i am with her when i want to be charming and interesting. if i were single...sigh! i do not want to jeopardize my marriage but i need to know two things: first, is it unusual for a married man to be so interested in another women? is it a sign of deeper problems in my marriage? i also want to know whether this woman finds me equally appealing. i want to appease my ego and move on. how can i find this out without giving the impression that i want to cheat on my wife? or am i asking for trouble?

- missed connection

a: as often happens, you've answered your own question while asking it, but because today is a slow day and we're feeling nice, we'll lay it all out for you.

no, it's not unusual for people in committed relationships to still have eyeballs and sex drives. there are many many people in the world - it's inevitable that, however happy we may be in stable relationships, we'll occasionally gaze at or flirt with others. it's not necessarily a sign of problems in your relationship - but acting on those urges would be.

knowing where to draw the line is key, and if you truly find it that confusing to figure out when you're being inappropriate, just pretend that your wife is right next to you, all the time, and let that be your guide. would your wife be upset if she saw you secretly going out for drinks with your shapely young coworker? THEN DON'T DO IT. would your wife be pissed if she heard you asking your coworker if she finds you attractive? THEN DON'T DO IT. repeat as necessary.

we get the thrill of a light office flirtation, and the excitement of feeling desirable to a new and attractive person. but the freedom to act on these impulses - even in a chickenshit, i-want-to-stroke-my-ego-but-not-get-in-trouble way - is part of the independence that we give up in exchange for a monogamous, committed relationship. besides, given that you're "self-conscious and awkward" around this girl, rather than "charming and interesting," you might not like your coworker's REAL opinion of you. and wouldn't you feel stupid if you jeopardized your marriage, only to be brushed off by someone younger and hotter?

***

q: my fiancée and i have a difficult relationship - i entered it with lingering feelings for my previous girlfriend, and when it came down to ultimatum time, i told the woman who is now my fiancée to move on. we broke up, except for physical intimacy. a while later, she started dating another but told me that he was just a friend. as the prospect of losing her for good became real, i panicked. i opened up to her in ways i never had. i proposed and she said yes. we began planning the wedding, but under pressure from me she started dropping bombs about being sexually intimate with him. can i trust her?

- mr. romantic

a: wait a minute here, can YOU trust HER?

let's go over the facts, buddy. you were with this woman for a period of time, during which you waffled about your ex and then decided, when it came down to it, that you weren't into her. but you continued to have sex with her. and then, when she start living her life and seeing someone else, you freaked out and asked her to marry her, following which YOU'RE not sure you can trust HER.

give us a break, seriously.

you've manipulated this woman in ways that are seriously not cool for real & actual adult relationships, and now you're doubting her fidelity because you dumped her and she decided to hump someone else while you were figuring out what you really wanted. look, she wasn't at fault, she didn't owe you monogamy, she didn't owe you anything, and in fact, we're pretty sure she should run as far away from you as possible.

this girl is obviously smitten enough to jump at the chance to marry you, even though you're obviously an asshole. granted, okay, the fact that you couldn't make up your mind about this girl doesn't automatically make you an asshole - careful consideration of all the pros and cons should be part of the relationship having process, but the fact that you strung her along, didn't let her move on, and that you proposed for the stupidest reason ever DOES make you an asshole. she's been there for you all along and said yes when you proposed - take this as a sign that, DUH, she's wanted you all along. (though, for the life of us, we can't imagine why.)

if you're serious about marrying her, get to a marriage counselor and work these issues out now.

but if you're looking for a reason not to marry her, just don't marry her. cut her loose and let her live her life with another man or men, which is what you should have been man enough to do the first time you dumped her.

***

q: last weekend i went to a big birthday party attended by friends of mine, acquaintances, and also people i didn't know. one of my friends asked if i would mind being her ride home, as her ride there was going to be leaving early. she lives mostly on my way, so it didn't seem like a big deal. however, toward the end of the night, she asked if i would mind also taking home a friend of hers who was at the party (and who was standing close enough that she could probably hear). i've met this friend-of-a-friend a few times, and she has never been very polite or friendly to me - she doesn't say hello, ignores me whenever i say something, and doesn't include me in conversations. normally this is fine because i rarely see her, but i didn't really want to go out of my way to do a favor for someone who isn't even nice to me. however, the way my friend was asking, i got the impression that she
had already told her friend it would be fine and that i couldn't say no without it being awkward. how can i nicely but firmly say no in future sticky situations, where there's no good way to explain why i don't want to say yes?

- along for the ride

a: the thing about people who aren't polite and friendly is that their behavior gives you an excuse to give it back to them. meaning, basically, that if this person isn't nice to you, there's no reason you should ever have to be finagled into doing them a favor.

but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't, because although they might be mean and rude, you probably aren't.

if you're looking for a noncontroversial way to say no - blame the price of gas, your lack of time, committments you've made and can't be late for, a backseat full of boxes, car seats already spoken for by others you've volunteered to drive home. you're not going to be giving this person a ride, so they're never going to know you were fibbing.

however, if you're bothered by the prospect of fibbing just to avoid a sticky situation, remember that telling the truth, while not always the "nicest" thing to do, is still "polite." if someone is being rude to you, it's not impolite to say "i'd rather not give you a ride, as you're not very nice to me." or "i'd rather not give your friend a ride, as he/she is not very nice to me."

the bitches firmly believe that honesty is the best policy, almost without fail. not only will your honesty, in this case, save you the trouble of having to give someone you like a ride out of your way, it will also make that person aware that their childish behavior isn't going to earn them any favors. you never know, you just might make a friend.

ask a bitch: volume forty-four

2008-07-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: lately i've started hanging out with a coworker who seems like a cool person - she's very nice, fun to be around, and never says anything negative about anyone. however, we were talking the other day, and she made an offhand comment like "my BF is a total homophobe." what shocked me was the way she said it - lightly and jokily, like it was a cute but harmless quirk instead of hateful bigotry. i've met the guy and he seemed polite enough, but i wouldn't want to hang out with him again knowing that he's anti-gay. and to be honest, it changes my opinion of her that she can accept this hateful, narrow-minded behavior in her BF of several years (though she's never said anything homophobic and is perfectly nice to our gay coworkers). now i feel weird about spending time with her/them outside work, but i don't know what to say when declining social invitations. nor would i want to invite him to my gatherings, where all of my friends are either gay-friendly or gay. am i justified in feeling this way, or should my budding friendship with her be unaffected by his beliefs, however bigoted?

- friend o' phobe

a: there is no excuse for bigotry, however big or small, so yes, of course you're justified in feeling this way and you shouldn't feel bad declining her friendly invitations, nor should you feel bad declining to invite her to any of your social gatherings from now on.

in a day and age where most people would be aghast if their coworker confessed lightly and jokily that their boyfriend was "a total racist" it amazes the bitches that some of those people might be okay with a little bit of homophobia now and again. sure, racism and homophobia are different things, but when you get right down to it, you're just hating someone for something they can't change. her boyfriend's bigoted view of homosexuality is neither quirky nor cute, and you don't have to accept it in him, nor do you have to tolerate her acceptance of it.

you're not obligated to explain to her why you'd rather not hang around her and her boyfriend anymore, but it might be nice of you to. she felt free enough to tell you that she accepts her boyfriend's view, so you should certainly feel free to tell her that you don't. explain that her tacit approval of her boyfriend's homophobia is not okay with you, and that it bothers you enough that you would rather not spend time with her. perhaps it will be the beginning of an open and honest conversation that ends up leading to a real and valuable friendship down the line. or, at least, you'll be letting her know where she went wrong, even if it doesn't end up that the two of you are able to work things out.

***

my sister was recently laid off from her job and has decided to move herself and her two children back into my parents' house while she looks for a new job and finds a more reasonably priced place to live. my parents have agreed to this, not because they want to (i can tell that they don't), but because my sister has forced it upon them by using the grandchildren ("what will happen to my kids?!!") to manipulate the situation. my sister is a grown woman and is fully capable of using her brain and skills to find a job without resorting to this nonsense, which puts undue pressure on our parents, on her kids, and on me - because i'm worried about how it's all going to work out. my sister has a tendency toward laziness, and my biggest fear is that she'll take this opportunity to have a few months off from work while my parents take care of everything. how do i help my parents tell her no? and if they can't, how can i get my sister out of there immediately?

- five's a crowd

a: responsibility sucks. it especially sucks to be grown-up, independent, and mature, whie watching other people who don't have their shit together get their problems fixed for them. and it's even more annoying when the people they take advantage of to enable their lazy lifestyles are your own parents, who surely have better uses for their money than continuing to provide for adult children and their grandchildren.

it probably would have been better for your parents to offer a loan to help her through this rough patch, rather than invite her into their home to live rent-free, pillage the pantry, and lounge around on the couch watching daytime TV for several months. since it's too late for that, the best way to try to establish and keep boundaries is to politely, but continually, remind her that this is a temporary situation and her "job" right now is putting her life back together, pronto. asking her every few days what jobs she's applied for and how she spends her time, having her pitch in by cleaning and doing chores, requiring her to buy her own groceries, and setting a firm deadline that she must move out by should all help to get your sis good and irritated, and more inclined to move out. to quote a favorite parental saying, if she wants to act like a child, then they should treat her like one.

as for what you personally can do... well, not much, probably. your parents did agree to let her move back in (however reluctantly), so that part's not up to you. your best bet is to be the cheerleader, even if you're not feeling like shaking your pom-poms - forward her job listings that sound like they'd be good for her, offer to help her put together interview outfits or update her resume, call frequently for updates on the job search. if more than a month goes by with no visible effort from her, it might be time for a serious talk with her - tell her that it's taking advantage of your parents to allow them to support her and her kids, and you are concerned that this is putting a financial burden on them that they shouldn't have to deal with. just don't offer to kick in $$$ of your own - it won't help motivate her, and you don't want to get sucked into the financial quicksand of her situation.

****

my best friend is an intelligent and fun person, but she has one trait that annoys me (and her other friends) no end: she is never on time for anything. when she comes downtown, she never gets it together in time to make the original plans work. she calls into work late more often than any person i know. i have given her watches as gifts, but she never wears them. the clock in her car isn't even set to the correct time, although i know it works.

i have tried to explain to her that this chronic lack of punctuality is not charmingly childlike but inconsiderate, and wastes other people's time. she told me that this is passive-aggressive behavior left over from a childhood of dealing with an alcoholic parent and an adulthood with a controlling husband (whom she will soon be divorcing). i say she should grow up before it costs her a job or a relationship. other than telling her to meet me at 1 when the reality is 2 (i hate being dishonest), what do you suggest?

- tick tock BOOM

a: it's true, flakiness and chronic tardiness is NOT endearing or adorably quirky - it's just annoying as shit. ignoring agreed-upon plans is disrespectful and rude - she's showing that she has no respect or consideration for the value of other people's time, and doesn't care how much she inconveniences her friends and family while indulging her own immaturity. yep, that's passive-aggressive, all right (and no, an alcoholic parent is not a free ticket to chronic adult rudeness, sorry.)

but you know all this. so what can you do? she's obviously not getting the hint from your subtle "suggestion" gifts (and if she's inconsiderate anyway, she won't feel obligated to wear/use a gift just because you got it for her). the enabling option, as you mentioned, is to work around her habits - if you know she'll be an hour late, set plans for 1:00 when you want to meet at 2:00. it does seem ridiculous, but if this method works, it could actually be an okay compromise - she gets to feel like she's indulging her inner rebellious child, and you get the security of knowing she'll show up when you ACTUALLY need her there.

it sounds like you've talked to her about it, but let her off the hook with her feeble excuses about her mean old parent and her mean old husband. those are not justifications for treating everyone else in her life disrespectfully, however. if you want to try the tough-love approach, make plans for 1:00 and leave at 1:15 when she doesn't show. let HER be the one who's inconvenienced/stood up for a change! when she calls to find out where you are, tell her, "i showed up and waited, you didn't come, so i left. you need to respect my time and honor our plans, or else you're saying that you don't care about wasting my time and inconveniencing me." this would be especially effective if it's something you've both bought tickets for, as people tend to pay more attention once it starts costing them money.

if she refuses to listen or change her ways and act like an adult, then you're right, it will cost her professional reputation and her friendships - starting with yours. hopefully then she'll realize that it's time to ditch the flake routine and learn some manners.

***

q: a former co-worker called and asked for a favor. when he was with the company, he (ahem!) "borrowed" some old office equipment from storage. he now wants me to return it for him. what should i do? put it back? inform my boss?

- still employed

a: what you should do is not get involved with this mess.

although there's a general level of implied theft (post its, the occasional stamp, a pen, don't try and tell us you've never taken a thing from a job) in most places of employment, it's understood that such thievery will be small and done in a manner of forgetfulness, NOT by using the office credit card or breaking into the office storage unit. that's a different level, one which we can neither condone nor advise that you get involved in, even if it's to help your ex-coworker (or friend, if that's what he or she is).

think of the potential outcomes, should you decide to get involved. one, no one gets caught, everything is fine. okay, that's not so bad, but you should assume it's the least likely. two, you get caught, it's assumed you're the thief, you're fired, they pursue a course of legal action, you can never find a job ever again. okay, maybe that's not so likely either, but it's well within reason that you could be fired if you're caught sneaking in stolen office furniture or goods. and then there's three, where you tell your boss, and then what? your boss assumes you must be fairly good friends with this ex-corker and becomes suspicious of your every move, too.

leave it to your old coworker to deal with on his own. if he wants to return it, he'll have to figure out a way to do that without implicating you in any way. and if he doesn't want to return it, well, it's probably not your duty to turn him in.

ask a bitch: volume forty-three

2008-07-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: our daughter of 18 has recently met a 28-year-old trainer at the gym. at first, i thought it was friendship, but recently we discovered it is more. my husband and i told her that the relationship was unacceptable. he is too old, and he is divorced with a young child. our daughter is torn because she knows that we are upset about this. she says that she is not truly happy because we won't allow her to be, due to the fact that we will not accept this. but... she continues to see him.

my husband refuses to get to know him. i have met him and he seems like a very nice person, and i believe he really cares for her. still, I cannot deal with this. she has only dated one other boy in high school and i thought she would take her time as she started college this year. i see so many problems with this and have expressed them to her but again, she does not understand.

- 2 old 2 be 4 given

a: eewwww. we share your squicky feelings at this particular match. even if your daughter is mature for her years, there are just too many years between 18 and 28 for that to be a healthy relationship between equals. what kind of guy looks to a teenage college freshman as a romantic partner and a potential future stepmom for his young son? a creepy guy, that's what.

he may be a perfectly nice person in all other ways, but it is totally inappropriate for him to be dating someone who's barely out of high school, and he knows this on some level. and the fact that your daughter doesn't see any of this, or understand the extreme weirdness that would make a 28-year-old and an 18-year-old intellectual and emotional equals, is proof that she's NOT grown-up enough to be making decisions like this for herself.
the bummer is that she is, alas, a legal adult, and allowed to make terrible mistakes with her life if that's what she wants. coming down hard on the BF and trying to force her away from him will only drive them closer together against you and her dad. take comfort in the fact that the guy seems to genuinely care for her and be a mostly decent man, and emphasize to your daughter that while you don't agree with her choices, you support her happiness and will always be there for her. at least then she's more likely to come back to you for caring and moral support when the relationship goes south (and be sure never to utter "i told you so" when she does). and remember, jerks can come in any age group, and college boys on their own for the first time might very well be more douchebaggy than a full-time-employed adult who's at least responsible enough to care for a small child.

***

i am 18 and a student. i recently slept with a guy at work and he has not paid attention to me since, but i have totally fallen for him. we have known each other since elementary school and he always was shy. why won't he speak to me, let alone date me?

- friends with benefits

a: not to be too harsh about it, on account of you're young and have (presumably) limited experience with cads, but there's really only one reason that a guy would sleep with you once and then avoid you: he doesn't like you in THAT WAY. the way that would make him, you know, still talk to you, let alone date you.

as for why, there are a ton of possible reasons. maybe it seemed like a good idea at the time. maybe he thought it was just something casual and didn't know how you felt about him. maybe he's on the rebound from a bad breakup and making bad decisions. or maybe he's just an asshole out for whatever he can get. in the end, though, the only thing that matters is that you want to date him, and he doesn't want to date you. regardless of what happened between you, if you don't want the same thing, it's not going to go anywhere.

it's an awkward situation, we know, especially since you have to work with him, and probably have to talk to him at SOME point during the day, even if it's only "hey, it's your turn to stuff the napkin holders." if it's really awful, you can always quit and get yourself another student job where you won't have to be constantly reminded of him. that's not retreating in shame, by the way, it's removing yourself from a toxic environment! it's all about your peace of mind and what you're comfortable with - don't worry about his feelings, since he's made it all too clear that he doesn't care about yours.

***

q: i have been living with my girlfriend for 4 years and i am not sure i want to stay with her anymore. we have a one-year-old together and i love my son but i am tired of his mother. i am more than willing to handle the child support and want joint custody of the child. she is a good mom and a good friend to me and I don't want to lose her friendship. what should i do?

- baby daddy

a: although the bitches would obviously always advise you to take care and use sensitivity when ending ANY relationship, when there is a child involved it's even more important to do so. like, DUH.

shit happens, you know. people change and relationships end. if you're not happy in a relationship, it's your choice to end it, and really - we encourage people to make choices that are going to make them happy and likewise, encourage them not to make choices that are going to drag them down. but really, you're tired of her? that's it? okay, fine, you're tired of her. but you have a kid with her, and for your child's sake, you should make sure that being tired of her is enough of a reason to leave her because, well DUH, you have your kid's well being to consider now, too.

first of all, make sure you've really thought this through. we know you think you have, but do it again anyway. a few times. and then, talk to her. perhaps your relationship is suffering from a lack of open and honest communication. and then, go get counseling. together, and maybe separately, too, just for good measure. we're not saying you have to stay with her, but those things (open and honest communication and counseling) will also be useful if the two of you do decide to split up, giving you more and better tools to treat each other as people who used to be in love and made a baby together and should be respectful of and kind to each other.

maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. no matter how your girlfriend reacts to any of this, treat her lovingly and respectfully, because someone will be watching and if you want to successfully raise your son together-but-separately, it's necessary. make sure your son knows that you love him and that the break has nothing to do with him. take care of him, and her if she needs it, at least for a while - that is your baby's momma after all.

also, remember, shit happens, people change, and relationships end. as long as you're doing your best, things will probably be all right.

***

q: i like to make crafts, and i think i'm pretty good at it. other people must agree, because they often say things like, "you should sell those!" not realizing that the amount of time it takes to make something by hand would make each item so expensive - just to cover labor costs, let alone make a profit - that no one would pay. often, people will also say, "hey, will you make me one of those?" again, not realizing that it takes, say, 8 to 10 hours to knit a scarf, plus supplies. i think people who don't make stuff just don't realize how much work goes into it. is there a polite way to say, "i'm glad you like my stuff, but i don't really want to give up hours and hours of my free time making you something you probably won't appreciate"?

- stitch 'n' bitch

a: yes, there IS a polite was to tell people you don't want to give up hours of your free time making something they probably won't appreciate.

all you have to do is explain to those people what you've just explained to us. something along the lines of "i'm glad you like my stuff, but i knit/sew/sculpt/paint/whatevs for fun and in my spare time. that scarf/dress/mug/painting took months, and who knows when i'll have the time to make another one!" should suffice.

if they don't get the hint, tell them you're willing to sell your fabulous items, but because of all the labor and materials, you have to charge several hundred dollars for each item. they'll either get the idea, or give you some money.

win/win!

vacation!

2008-06-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

the bitches are on vacation.

we will be back with our regularly scheduled bitchery next week, or possibly the one after that.

in the meantime, submit your questions to us at aabquestions@gmail.com!

ask a bitch: volume forty-two

2008-06-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i am a thirty-something female, who is experiencing PMS - and not just a little discomfort one week a month. i am trying to find ways to help me deal with the major mood swings and the physical pain. during these times, i become overly emotional, self-critical and very irritable - in my own estimation. my moods have had a very negative impact on many of my relationships. i want to find ways to help me through PMS and even avoid it, if possible. i want to know what other women do to help with severe symptoms. right now i exercise, take vitamins and calcium supplements, but those things don't help. i just don't want to have to hibernate for almost 2 weeks out of every month.

- bloody mary

a: PMS is common for most women, and ranges in severity and symptoms. cramps, bloating, fatigue, headaches, back pain, and moodiness can affect a woman slightly, or in cases like yours, with full force.

there are many things you can do to help you deal with your symptoms, some of which you have already tried: exercise, eat right, getting all your vitamins - especially b6 and calcium. but you also have other options: avoid stress, caffeine, alcohol, chocolate, sugars, salt, smoking and don't simply live with the pain, take aspirin, ibuprofen or an over the counter designed to address your specific symptoms. health food stores offer natural remedies for pms symptoms that may help you, too. many women, too, find that painful, messy periods can be regulated with birth control pills, while some choose to address the emotional symptoms instead with antidepressants.

whatever you do, realize that it will take a few months, at least, for your body to adjust to the changes you are making, and make sure you talk to your doctor about treatments you are using and considering- he or she should be able to offer your more specific advice than bitches who aren't doctors. if you have a therapist, let them let you vent, and offer you tools to help with your range of emotions.

as for the negative impact your moods are having on your relationships - knowing is at least half the battle, and getting the proper treatment will be the other half of the battle. give yourself and the people around you a break by letting everyone know in advance that hey, right now you're not feeling like yourself, you need more space, you're more irritable than usual, and to take the harsher things you say with a grain of salt. understanding people will give you a break and help you through the rougher patches, and those that don't, well, you don't need 'em.

***

q: my boyfriend and i have only been broken up a little more than a month, and i just heard it through the grapevine that he has a new girlfriend. we are still "friends" but he hasn't even mentioned dating anyone else, let alone jumping into a full-on relationship. not that i have any say, i know, but it upsets me that he would continue to be friendly with me and omit this very large piece of information, essentially lying to my face... and of course it upsets me that his nasty ass has a new ho already. should i confront him with this information, or should i just let it go?

- exes and "oh"s

a: why oh why, dear readers, are you all such nice, forgiving people who want to give your exes another chance? exes suck! exes are OF THE PAST. even if you become "friendly," you'll never truly be "friends," because you'll always have that shared history of being more-than-friends, or random moments of awkwardness like this.

yes, it is highly suspicious that your commitmentphobe ex has a shiny new relationship just one month after your breakup, and it's possible that something sketchy is (and was) going on. or... maybe he knows that you're not over the breakup yet and he thought it might be more hurtful to you to know he was seeing someone. of course it is actually more hurtful to find out thirdhand, but guys are dumb, and maybe he thought he was being tactful.

however, while it is tacky and immature and sketchy of him to have a new relationship so soon, it is his prerogative to do so. trust us, it reflects more on his character than on yours that he took so little time to move on. but he has the right to date new people, and you as a "friend" do not have the right to complain. you do, however, have the right to ignore him forever, trash talk him to your friends, and find someone newer and better to date, so we suggest you do just that!

***

q: i have a neighbor who plays his music really loud. we've asked him to turn it down plenty of times. we've gone as far as pressing charges twice. he yells obscenities at us when we go outside. we've just bought our house here, and all of the other neighbors play their music loud but not so loud that i can hear it in my house with my radio on.

everyone who has lived there just ignores him because he has some mental disabilities, but i won't do it. i pay good money for my home and land, and i'll not be run off because of him, do you think you can help us?

- this one goes to eleven

a: noisy neighbors are the worst. at this very moment, in fact, this bitch is dealing with a psycho upstairs neighbor who threatened her in the parking lot and followed her to her car yesterday! we apartment dwellers would like to think that these issues go away when you buy a house, but really they just get more permanent, and there's no landlord to call.

it's a shame that you didn't find out about the mentally disturbed, chronically disruptive neighbor before you moved in (maybe that's why the previous owners moved out?). but you're stuck now, and if you love the house more than you hate him, you have to find a way to deal with his craziness.

it sounds like you've gone through all the usual channels... calling the cops for a disturbance, pressing charges, creating a record of his disruptions. if he's threatening you or your property, CALL 911 and file a report right away! after all, if you're able to get a restraining order on him, it'll be difficult for him to stay 500 feet away from you when you live next door.

we CERTAINLY would not advise that you call two or five of your burliest friends and have them go over and "convince" your neighbor to shut the hell up, because that, of course, would be illegal. but, you know, sometimes it works.

***

q: my fiancé has just told me that he is bisexual, and that it's something he has never told anyone else. i cried all night. i already have enough self-esteem problems without hearing this! it certainly doesn't help that he also said that if he were in my shoes, he would end the relationship (although he is glad that i haven't). he promises me he will be true. what should i do?

- why? curious!

a: first and foremost: the fact that your man likes dudes, too, has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. it's not because you're not beautiful and wonderful and smart and giving and ENOUGH, it's because... well, for whatever reasons, it's not because of you. you're awesome, and you shouldn't let his interest in the less fair sex bother you insofar as your self-esteem. at least, for your own sake, TRY.

we'd also advise you not to let your man's interest in the less fair sex bother you because the fact that he's confessing it to you means that he feels comfortable with you, means he wants to be honest with you, and means he wants you to have a relationship free of secrets. just as he's been interested in other men, or sees men he finds attractive doesn't make him any more prone to doing you wrong than any other straight man, who would have been interested in other women and who'd women he finds attractive. the important thing is that he wants to be with you, now, and be honest. gay, straight, bi - none of these are indicators of the cheatin' kind, if that's what you're worried about.

EXCEPT!

we find it unsettling that "if he were you, he would end the relationship." this might be his way of indicating to you that he wants the relationship to end, just that he wants you to do it. or, maybe that's his way of letting you know that later on, if something happens, he's going to be able to say he told you so. it just sounds... off.

we highly recommend that you keep the lines of communication open. talk to him about your fears and ask him, straight up, if the fact that he said he would have ended the relationship were he in your shoes, means he wants the relationship to end. if he still protests, still promises to be true, get to a marriage counselor STRAIGHT AWAY. you've both got some work to do.

ask a bitch: volume forty-one

2008-06-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: a week or so ago, i happened to catch my next-door neighbor parked in his car (not near our homes) and otherwise engaged with a woman who is not his wife. my neighbor did not see me, probably due to the fact that he appeared rather, um, "involved," if you catch my drift. had i been on my own, i would have kept my nose out of this situation, as they are neighbors in the sense of acquaintances, and not friends. unfortunately, i had my child with me, and he immediately noticed my neighbor's distinctive vehicle and blurted out a "hey, that's --- kissing a lady in his car!" i figured the best thing to do would be to tell a little white lie and told my son that it was just someone who looked like our neighbor - but he wasn't buying it. my child is in the same preschool class as my neighbor's daughter, and they play together all the time. my son is very chatty and inquisitive, and i know he is going to say something to either the husband, the wife, or the daughter because he has a memory like a steel trap, so i know he won't just forget it ... and there is no way to keep him apart from his little friend short of moving (not likely). what do i do?

- see no evil

a: the bitches are big fans of a general MYOB policy.

you, however, had to go and drag your loudmouthed little baby into this, which means that you're going to have to mind someone else's business this time.

since you're not friends with these people, but are acquainted with them in as far as you live next door to each other and your spawn have a little community of their own, what you HAVE to do is the very minimum in this situation: nothing. and then wait for your kid to speak up and create a really uncomfortable situation for himself.

since you're obviously not going to do nothing, you could do another very minimal thing and speak to your low-down dirty lyin' cheatin' neighbor on the sly. mention that you saw him getting "involved" with a woman who was not his wife in a parked car, and that your child saw and, despite your protests to the contrary, knows the man in the car was his little friend's pop, and that the woman he was kissin' was not her mom. explain what you've explained to us, that your child has a mind like a steel trap and that he will be bringing it up at some future and probably very awkward point. that's where your involvement ends.

from there, it's up to your neighbor to decide what to do with the information. if he decides to come clean with his wife, great. if he decides your children shouldn't play together anymore, great. (your kid, though we know it sounds heartless to say it, will GET OVER IT. kids bounce back. they're made that way.) if he decides to keep it to himself and then come up with more ridiculous lies when your child does finally reveal what he's seen - well, those are all his choices.

sure, it sucks that you're in this situation where you and your kid have seen first hand what a douche your neighbor is, but you're not the one cheating on this man's wife - he is. you're not responsible to his wife, he is. we're sure you're not asking us whether or not it's ethical or right to keep the situation a secret, and even if you were, we wouldn't. but we do know what's practical - in a best for everyone involved kind of way.

you're responsible to your child, and the best you can do for him is keep the peace as well as you can so that he and his little friend can continue to be little friends, for as long as possible.

***

q: i have a dilemma. i've been dating this guy for a little over two years. for a while i thought i should marry him ... he's intelligent, ambitious, kind, and we don't fight or argue very often, but there are things about him that make me think we're not meant for each other. i've recently moved in with him, bringing with me all my belongings, as well as my two dogs and two cats. i love him, but i don't feel like this is even close to the fairy tale relationship i've always longed for. i guess what i need to know is, is there even such a thing as a fairy tale romance? i know i will always be loved and taken care of with him, but is that enough? would i be settling if i agree to marry him? my last relationship lasted way too long and i knew we were never going to marry. i just don't want to waste any more years with another man, only to decide it isn't meant to be. do you think I should talk to him about it?

- princess

a: maybe it's a dumb question on our parts, but WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU MOVE IN WITH A MAN YOU HAD DOUBTS ABOUT?

sigh...

if there is one thing the bitches wish we could pass along to fellow bitches alike and those less fortunate non-bitches, it's that if fairy tale romances do exist, they're few and far between, and you probably won't be lucky enough to be swept off your feet, kiss a frog who becomes a prince, wake up with a kiss after pricking your finger, or meet seven dwarves who want to take care of you forever.

we grew up ingesting the same ideas about love and romance that you did and when you meet someone who seems like a prince, it can be hard to let go of the notion that he's going to be a prince forever.

the fact of the matter is, your prince is just a person. like you, human, flawed, smelly, hairy, farty, given to getting fatter as he gets older and more annoying the longer you know him. that's just life, and it will happen no matter how princely a man you decide to shack up with. whether or not the man you're with now is your prince, you have to remember that whoever and wherever your prince is - he's still going to be just a person.

so, is there such a thing as a fairy tale romance? probably not in the way you're imagining.

are you settling? well, you have to decide. if you want romance forever, then you're settling. but if you want a partner, then you're probably not settling. only you know what's going to make you happy, and if this guy isn't it: cut him loose. we're sure there are plenty of other bitches in the sea who'd love to have a man who would welcome them and their four pets into their home to take care of.

***

q: i recently started dating a friend of an even closer friend, through whom we were introduced. all is well and good as far as the new relationship goes, but i immediately noticed a change in my friendship. i would have sworn i was only imagining her dirty looks and catty comments until someone else pointed out to me that my friend has "liked" my new bf since she met him. now that it's been pointed out, it's so obvious to me, but i honestly had no idea. she's been single since they've been friends and has had ample opportunity to make a move, but didn't, or did and it didn't go anywhere. not to mention, she never said anything to me about it. yet, i still feel incredibly guilty now that i know, even though i also know that i haven't done anything wrong and shouldn't feel that way. how do i repair our friendship?

- may i cut in?

a: those who expect others around them to magically guess their thoughts and act accordingly are in for a disappointment. plain and simple, you're not allowed to hold others responsible (or punish them) for things you never told them.

yes, your friend had time to make her move, and for whatever reason, it didn't happen. since she's a close friend of yours, it's odd that she didn't pull you aside and tell you when she first introduced you - as in, "omg, isn't he cute? do you think he likes me?" etc. but she didn't, and he asked you out, and you didn't know, so you said yes. and if the relationship is going well, maybe you're a better match than she and he would have been anyway. not that that's any comfort to her, probably.

if you want to try to fix things, sit her down for a talk. tell her, "you know, i'm really excited about how things are going with what's-his-name, but i never would have met him if it wasn't for you, so i hope you're cool with us dating." insert long pause, as you give her ONE LAST CHANCE to come clean. if she gets defensive and goes, "why wouldn't i be?" you can try one more time - add, "well, i may be totally off base here, but i just get the impression lately that you're not happy with me, or with the fact that i'm dating so-and-so." if she still refuses to be honest, then you've done all you can do. and really, if she can't be truthful with you and prefers to make bitchy comments and glare, then she's probably not that good of a friend.

assuming she does admit that she liked him and is jealous that you two are dating, tell her the truth - you're sorry to have hurt her feelings, but you honestly didn't know, and you're not sure what would make it better at this point. maybe airing her grievances and hearing that you didn't mean to hurt her will be enough. maybe she'll need a little while of not hanging out with you as a couple to get over it fully, and if so, try to be accommodating. there's a limit to how much betrayed indignation she is realistically entitled to, though, so if she tries to demand that you choose between him or her, you know who you should choose.

***

q: i am a very busy, private person with awkward social skills. i so seldom get time alone that i look forward to flying on business trips ... time to think, read, draw, or stare vacantly into the distance. i have enough experience now to know that it never works out that way. i've begun to dread airplane flights because the person sitting next to me insists upon chatting. i've tried everything from polite disinterest to blunt disinterest to outright bad manners, but people seem to think that if they persist, they will draw me out. i do not wish to be drawn out and don't know how to make my point forcefully. i would like a magic phrase that politely lets people know that i respectfully do not wish to converse. not just that i don't wish to converse right now, but that i don't wish to converse AT ALL. got one?

- la la la, i can't hear you

a: short answer: noise-canceling headphones.

seriously, have you seen them? they're like giant foam-and-plastic earmuffs, and evidently, they work great. as soon as you sit down, whip those babies out and make a big production out of untangling the cord, adjusting the fit, etc. if there's a chatty kathy next to you, they won't be able to resist asking about them, and then you smile and say, "oh, they're noise-canceling headphones. i usually wear them, so if you say something to me and i don't answer, please don't think i'm ignoring you - i just can't hear anything with them on." then, settle back and enjoy the flight doing whatever you want to do.

good ones are expensive ($400 or more), but we assume that since you travel regularly for business, you've got the cheddar to afford such gadgets. here's the thing, though - as long as you just want to be left alone (rather than actually block out all sound), you can get the cheapo ones for around $25! all that matters is that people see you put them on, and realize what they are. ipod earbuds are also good for this - if your seatmate talks to you, you can just shrug, smile apologetically, and tap your ear.

this does leave you in limbo for the first 15 minutes of the flight or so, when they don't let you use electronic gadgets and chatty kathys will try to trap you in a conversation. be strong! keep the headphones around your neck to signal your imminent putting-on of them as soon as you are allowed to do so, keep your eyes on your magazine, and distractedly say, "uh huh," to whatever they tell you, NEVER taking your eyes off the page. they may be mildly miffed and spend the rest of the flight in a cloud of huffiness, but at least pouting is quiet.

if you want to do it the low-tech way, you can also try saying, "i'm sorry, i don't mean to be rude, but i need to finish this book/project for a class and i really can't talk while i'm doing it." you're not being rude and you shouldn't be sorry, but that should be firm enough while remaining polite - you're not obligated to be their in-flight entertainment. still, tuck some headphones in your carry-on, just in case.

ask a bitch: volume forty

2008-06-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

q: i'm in my late twenties and prefer to date men who are younger than me, at least recently. i'm talking about men in their early twenties, and not BABIES, but the general reaction among friends and aquaintances seems to be that they think i am talking about babies. if i were a dude, no one would blink twice about the five-to-ten-year age difference between me and my boyfriends. i know it's not a big deal, and that it's just one of those double standards i'll have to deal with as long as i decide to date younger men, but seriously, i'm really sick of having everyone react to me like i'm some kind of pedophile. thoughts? advice?

- rock the cradle of love

a: if people minded their own damn biznazz, we'd be out of a job.

yes, it is a ridiculously unfair double standard that men are encouraged to date women who are significantly younger than them - and congratulated if they do - whereas women who date younger guys are treated like ravenous, gaping maws of sexual frenzy. this bitch dated a guy who was a mere two years younger than her (while both were consenting adults in their twenties) and was jokingly-but-not-really ridiculed for it by several envious people with nothing better to do.

a good policy with nosy acquaintances is to turn their rudeness back on them, until it becomes uncomfortable and (hopefully) they realize that they're being inappropriate. if they elbow you in the ribs and make some sort of lame "cougar" joke, calmly say, "what do you mean by that?" and keep asking until you force them to explain the joke. then say, "i don't understand why you would try to hurt my feelings by making fun of me." they may try to bluster their way out of it, but their very defensiveness shows that they know they're out of line. most of the time, these jerks get away with it, but by refusing to play along and allow yourself to be the butt of the joke, you can call their bluff.

as far as friends whose opinions you presumably care about, you can try having a serious conversation with them about it. if they wrinkle their noses and go, "he's only TWENTY-FOUR?" then say, "yes, he is. why does that bother you?" chances are, they won't be able to muster a response, because it's really none of their beeswax, and then you can follow up with, "he's a great guy and we have a lot of fun together, and i hope that you are happy for me that i've found someone i like so much." if you shame them into realizing that they are being petty and hypocritical, they might actually stop!

if the age difference is more significant (5+ years), there may be a legitimate concern - with either gender - that the younger person is not mature enough, or that you are in different stages of your lives and wanting different things. if that's what your friends are worried about and if they are genuinely concerned for your emotional well-being, let them know you appreciate their concern and invite them to meet your beau so that they can get to know him for themselves and THEN decide. but if they're just horrified at the grotesque idea of your ancient, shriveled woman-parts bumping up against his firm, nubile loins, well, that should be proof enough that age doesn't equal maturity.

***

q: my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year and he has met and hung out with members of my family on many occasions. his family is all local and i have yet to meet a single person. should i be worried about this?

- family ties

a: we can think of lots of reasons why your BF hasn't introduced you to his family yet, some ominous and some not. maybe they're all crazy and he doesn't want much to do with them. maybe they're in baby-fever mode and he wants to spare you the embarrassment of being interrogated about "when you're going to get married and give us some grandchildren." maybe his family is racist, or bigoted, or extremist in some way, and he doesn't wish to subject you both to that unpleasantness. maybe in his family, you don't bring someone home until you're actually engaged, and so it never occurred to him to reciprocate.

but the most likely reason is that you two are on different timetables. you feel (and we tend to agree) that having dated for a year, it's time to, you know, shit or get off the pot. either you're going to start thinking about making a commitment and becoming part of each other's families and lives, or you admit that it's not going to get any more serious than it is, and decide whether you can be happy in a dead-end relationship.

he may be avoiding the issue because he knows he doesn't want to be that serious right now with anyone. or he may have no clue that introducing you to his family and including you in their activities is a way to express his feelings about you, and signal to his family that you are someone important to him. it's possible that he thinks everything is going just fine, and has no idea that you even want to meet them. but whatever the problem is, you won't find out unless you talk to him about it. tell him, "i've enjoyed being able to introduce you to my family, and it's so nice to have you there with me. do you think your family would be interested in meeting me?" this lets him know how you feel, and that you would consider it a good thing to meet his family, and not weird or boring, and he may just take you along for dinner next time.

he may also say, "oh, they don't know you exist," in which case you've got a whole other conversation that needs having. but you won't know unless you ask!

***

q: i work at a government agency, where despite officially being nonpartisan, there is a pretty strong democratic leaning among the staff. we often do work related to political issues and legislation, and my coworkers will regularly try to draw me into discussions about politics or the ethical issues involved. this being an election year, it's even worse - coworkers talk freely about obama or hillary (no republicans or other parties are even mentioned), and in a way that assumes that i am for one candidate, and reflects negatively on the other candidate (and people who support that candidate). as it happens, i'm a democrat, but i don't think these conversations are appropriate and i certainly don't feel like having a personal discussion about my political beliefs while at work. how can i politely shut down these conversations without sounding like a stick in the mud?

- to the left, to the left

a: we're sure that someone old and sage always advised you to avoid talking about religion and politics, and they were right - it's asking for trouble, even among your closest friends.

political discussions in the workplace are generally inappropriate, especially as you work for a nonpartisan government agency. the reasons why they shouldn't be happening are probably clear to everyone reading this, but the trouble is that most people assume everyone else wants to hear their pov on everything - including the latest in obama drama and what stupid video john mccain just made - and many other people actually enjoy these sorts of discussions.

if you can't simply tell your coworkers "i prefer to keep who i'm voting for to myself" or "i prefer not to discuss politics at work... especially when i work for a nonpartisan goverment agency" you might try taking it up with HR. your office policy may not explicitly disallow these sorts of discussions (or it may, in which case HR can definitely solve your problem), but your friendly HR representative might be able to let people know that certain political discussions are making certain people uncomfortable.

for your own sake, though, you might also want to figure out how to tune these people out, because no matter how many times you tell people you don't want to talk politics, or how many times your hr rep tells people to lay off, in an election year like this one, you're bound to be inundated with this type of talk - EVERYWHERE YOU TURN.

***

q: i'm in my late twenties, and by choice decided to remain a virgin until marriage. i've had opportunities to sleep with women but have always declined as this is something i feel strongly about. for the past year, i've been dating a wonderful woman, and we've talked seriously about marriage. we haven't had sex because i want to wait until we are married. i love her in every way, but i am hung up on the fact that she slept with her college boyfriend. i get extremely jealous and angry whenever i think about it because i feel that i waited, so why couldn't she? she assures me, and i completely believe her, when she says she's devoted only to me and that her past relationship means absolutely nothing. i know that my reaction to her past sexual experience is ridiculous, but i can't help but feel in some way cheated or betrayed - how do i get over it?

- jealous virgin

a: it's good that you know your reaction to your girlfriend's past is ridiculous, because it is. there's nothing you can do about it but accept it.

sure, we understand how you could be jealous, and we understand why. since you put in all this effort of waiting, well, seriously, WHY COULDN'T SHE?! oh wait, here's why: because she doesn't have the same belief system as you, because she didn't know you when she was in college, because she very likely loved her college boyfriend and wanted to have sex with him. you can't fault a woman you love for the things she did (which are, in your mind, wrong) before she even knew you because it's not fair. and because we're sure you're not a perfect person either, and we're willing to bet you've done things in the past that she probably doesn't like, or wouldn't if she knew about them.

but letting go of something that makes you jealous is easier said than done. it seems that the two of you do a fairly good job of communicating with each other - at least from our reading of your question. keep communicating with each other. continue to be communicative - let he know that you are still jealous, why, and that you are working on it. let her reassure you, as she has done in the past, and do your best to take those reassurances to heart. try your hardest to focus on here and now and the future, instead of then and there and the past. talk to friends with whom you are comfortable sharing this information - let them reassure you, too. if you've made this choice for your life based on religious beliefs, you might also consider letting your priest or pastor offer you advice - likely they, too, will reassure you. a therapist, on your own or as a couple, certainly couldn't hurt, either. it will take time, and it will take effort, but it will be worth it.

fair warning: if you don't or can't let this go, there's no way you can spend the rest of your life with this woman. it wouldn't be fair for either of you. so if you love her, you'll make the effort.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-nine

2008-06-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

q: my ex and i have remained on "friendly" terms for the past year or so, since our breakup. during this time, we've both moved on and dated other people, but have also somehow always managing to end up back with each other. i finally realized that i need to stop seeing him, thinking of him as an option, or even imagining a future where we are together, mostly because i am sick of him lying to me about insignificant things (an indication to me that he will never act like a grownup with me, or anyone). he says he wants us to be friends and i have a history of turning exes into friends, rather successfully. however, this is a man who cheated on me, broke my heart, continues to lie to me, AND when asked why we should remain friends, couldn't come up with an answer. so is there any reason to even bother trying to be friends?

- just checking

a: as you may have gleaned from previous columns, some of the bitches are highly skeptical about the whole idea of exes being "friends." most of the time, there is either some post-breakup ill will on one or both sides, or one person secretly wants the other one back and seizes on the "friend" lifeline as a way to stay involved in the ex's lfie. even those exes who part amicably usually need some time apart to readjust before trying to become friends.

it's great that you are usually able to keep exes as friends. but since every person is different, it may not be possible in every case - and probably not when the circumstances leading to the breakup involve cheating and ongoing deception (which isn't something you'd want in a friend anyway). and no, it doesn't bode well that he had no good answer for why you should stay friends.

now that you've realized that at least part of your reason for staying "friends" is to keep the secret dream of getting back together alive - and that this is a dream he apparently doesn't share - it's up to you to draw the line and create boundaries to protect yourself. so maybe the best outcome is to be "friendly" rather than "friends" (i.e., you are able to have a nice chat if you're at the same party, but you don't hang out one-on-one or have regular contact). or you may decide it's better for your peace of mind to have no contact at all. in a perfect world, everyone would be mature and considerate and polite with each other, but then, if he was all those things, you wouldn't have had to dump his cheating ass in the first place.

***

q: i've been collaborating with a coworker on a work-related project for several months now. we've gotten together several times to brainstorm ideas and have come up with what i think are several good ones that i'd like to follow through on. but now that we're in the phase of actually having to work on the project, this person is nowhere to be found. i'd like to work on some of the ideas we came up with together, and since i'll be doing all the work, i don't want him receiving any of the credit. am i obligated to credit him with helping to come up with the idea? or, since i did all the work (and, to be honest, most of the work coming up with the ideas), can i just take all the credit? i don't want to come off as the office asshole.

- team player

a: you know that old saying "if you want something done right, do it yourself"? well, it's true. working in teams sucks, for many reasons: you usually don't get to pick who you're working with, you'll be blamed if the project isn't a success, yet you have to share the credit with even the lamest piece of dead weight in your group if it is.

unfortunately, work situations often require you to team up with others, even if you'd rather just do it yourself. and if that's the case, you have to be gracious about sharing some credit, although no more than is fair. besides, if your boss told you to team up with this flake in the first place and you've had multiple meetings over several months, people are probably aware you're working together on the project, and YOU will be the one who looks bad if you don't mention your partner's contribution.

still, there are ways to make it clear how much work each of you put in. if you're giving a presentation, you can say, "x and i met several times to generate ideas, which i then implemented as follows." if your coworker tries to act like he did more than he really did, hang him out to dry during the Q&A and watch him fumble to answer questions he doesn't know. if you'll be writing a report, it's a little harder, but you can still put your name first (in bigger letters!) and subtly make it obvious who did what parts of the project.

the alternative is to email your coworker (get it in writing!), saying, "look, it seems like it's been difficult for you to attend our scheduled meetings and follow up on your tasks - if your plate is full, would you like me to take it from here and give you credit for the ideas you came up with?" he may gratefully accept the chance to slide out of extra work, leaving you to finish the project solo and grab the lion's share of the credit. then everybody wins!

***

q: a couple of weeks ago, i ran into a female friend of an ex-GF. we started chatting, hit it off, and made arrangements to hang out again. a week later, we went out to coffee, which turned into a long evening of conversation, and i really feel like we have a connection that's worth pursuing. actually, i think it could turn into something pretty serious very fast, which is good. the problem is, my ex (who i'm still "friendly" with) is being very passive-aggressive about this. she keeps insisting that it's nothing, that the friend is just a big flirt and couldn't possibly be interested, given the history between her and me. i told my ex i wouldn't pursue the friend if it really bothered her, but she refuses to come out and say that it does, even though the two of them aren't particularly close friends, and my ex is now dating someone else (a girl). another complication: my ex and i had sort of planned a casual fling this summer, with the permission of her new GF, but that won't happen if i pursue the friend, and that's part of why she's mad. should i pursue the friend and see if there's something there, or is this whole thing just too much of a complicated mess?

- love square

a: yikes!

at least, on first glance... it seems like you've gotten yourself into a boatload of drama, but if you pull apart all the pieces, this is a fairly easy puzzle to solve.

let's start with your relationship with your ex: END IT. if you want to be friendly, that's fine, but no more of this planning for future hanky panky. it gives everyone the impression that there's still something between the two of you, especially her, which means she's at least sort of within her rights to get a little upset when you decide to hook up with someone else. in addition, she's dating someone else. and in addition to that, she sounds like she's not really able to come right out and tell you how she feels (i.e., that she's uncomfortable with the idea of you dating her friend) and would rather resort to passive aggressive little games to get her point across - not the sort of person you want to be involved with. for everyone's sake, cut the ties.

and now for your relationship with her friend: if you think it's going somewhere, you're within your rights to pursue it. just because your ex seems to think it'll never work (because she's *hoping* it won't) doesn't mean it won't. it's apparent from her tactics that she doesn't approve of you dating her friend, but guess what? she hasn't said so. people who don't speak the truth don't get to complain when it comes back to bite them in the ass. her inability to communicate is not your problem. especially since by now, you've cut her off, right?

as for their friendship: their problem, not yours. as long as you are honest with both of them. presumably the friend knows that you dated the ex, as the ex knows now that you are interested in pursuing the friend, and that's the end of your involvement between them. of course, you're welcome to encourage them to communicate about the issue, but we're not sure your ex will be able to figure out how.

and that's that: move on, man, and fast.

***

q: i recently started seeing someone wonderful and amazing. the problem is: HE'S MARRIED. or, he's sort of married. and by that i mean, he's getting divorced. the divorce is completely and totally separate from me, as it was initiated before i came along and is in the very final phases. it's not even the fact that he's still technically married that bothers me as it really is just a technicality, it's the fact that i feel like i might be some sort of post-divorce rebound slut for him and that no matter how much he protests otherwise, that he's not going to stay with the woman who was "technically" his mistress. my gut is no use in the situation, as it's in direct conflict with my brain. so what do i do?

- ms.

a: married, sort of married, just divorced: all of these are descriptive of men you probably DO NOT want to get involved with. but you probably already knew that, and it's not what you asked. we're just saying it here, as a general warning to women of the world: getting involved with married men is A BAD IDEA.

that said, someone who is very recently divorced (or, maybe someone who is in the process of getting divorced... MAYBE) is fair game for the dating world. not that you should be the lady who dates those recently divorced men, just that we give you our stamp of approval to go ahead and do it. stamp of approval as in "if you must" and NOT "yay! great idea!" - there's a distinction.

it's important to understand that most people coming out of long term and/or serious relationships (and marriage adds another level of seriousness to any relationship) are generally not in the proper frame of mind to be getting into another long term and/or serious relationship. most people need time to grieve the loss of the relationship, be angry at their ex, get drunk, sleep around, and then come to terms with the whole thing before they can be ready to do dating all over again, let alone before they are ready to do "a relationship" all over again.

but you know that, it's what your fear about this whole mess is. understandably.

the bitches are about 100% communication and honesty in relationships 100% of the time (not that we are under the impression that this ever actually happens). technically, you have no grounds to disbelieve anything this man says to you. sure, you should be cautious, but we'd say the same thing to any person entering any new relationship. so far, he's been honest with you. so far, you've been honest with him. so far, so good. your new sort of married boyfriend might not be one of those people who needs time to adjust and reassess post-relationship (or maybe he's been doing so since the divorce began) - not everyone handles relationships and breakups and new relationships the same way. he might, in fact, really be telling you the truth.

however, as much as all of the above paragraph might hold true, just because someone tells you that they want to be with you now (and means it) doesn't mean that it's a promise of forever (even if they say "now, and forever"). a divorced/divorcing man would/could/should be the first to know that saying forever sometimes just means for as long as we can where relationships are concerned. in this case, and in the case of every relationship, especially those that are new, it's best to be realistic: forever is an awful long time, and if right now is really good, perhaps it's a better idea for you to focus your energy on that.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-eight

2008-05-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

q: i'm moving this summer to attend graduate school this fall. my boyfriend and i have no reason to break up, other than this, and both of us SAY we can stand two piddly years apart with frequent communication and lots of travelling back and forth for visits. i want to believe we can do it, and that in two years our relationship will have grown with the distance and time instead of faded away. i'm just worried because, honestly, i've never known anyone to make it long distance. do long distance relationships ever work? i just want to be able to reasonably hope ours might.

- wish you were here

a: do long-distance relationships work? well, sure, sometimes. couples have to be apart all the time - when one (or both) is in the military, or a job requires extended business travel, or somebody goes to jail - and some of them do make it. here are some things that help: having dated in the same city for a while first, so you have built-up trust and comfort with each other. having a pre-determined limit to the time apart, and a very good reason for it. agreeing that the separation is necessary, and sharing a commitment to making it through until it's over and you can be together again. making special efforts to include the absent BF/GF in your life and keep communication open.

we assume you've been together a while, if you're agreeing to make a commitment to a two-year separation, so presumably you have a strong, trusting bond by now. you know the time limit and when it will be over. you have a concrete goal (and a good one) and it will be twice as special when you graduate, because you'll also be celebrating being back together. so those are all glass-half-full things.

however - if you're both committed enough to endure a two-year separation, why isn't your BF willing to move to be with you? or, how about you applying to a grad school in the city where you currently live, even if it's not as good? granted, these aren't nearly as dramatic and romantic as being tragically separated and having wistful phone conversations and kissing their photo on your bedside table. but truly committed partners often make sacrifices like these in order to be together. we hate to be the voice of doom here, but relationships are about sharing lives - if both of you are more willing to be apart for two years than to make a personal sacrifice to be together, maybe you should rethink whether this really is a commitment worth waiting years for.

we're not saying it won't work, but it sounds like you know the odds against long-distance relationships. talk to your BF about your fears, and maybe some things about your priorities in life - and what you're willing to do to make them happen - will become more clear.

***

q: my boyfriend and i recently decided to move in together. i'm getting quite a bit of flack from my close friends, since this fella and only started dating two months ago. i'm a big girl, and i'm sure i want to do this. am i allowed to tell them to mind their own business, or do i have to pretend i'm considering what they're telling me, even though i'm totally not going to at all?

- movin' on up

a: in the case of real, true, enduring friendships, the friends involved worry about one another when they make big and scary life decisions that don't seem to be well thought out. moving in with someone you only started dating two months ago might strike many people (bitches included) as a plan not particularly well thought out. we can understand why your friends are giving you flack and will hurry to assure you, as they probably have, that they are doing so because they're your friends and they love you.

are they right? are they wrong? doesn't matter. they're not speaking up because they want to ruin your plans, they're speaking up because they want to make sure your best interest is considered, and sometimes those in thoes of new and amazing love might not be acting like sane and reasonable beings. as such, no, you are not allowed to tell them to mind their own business. in fact, you are obligated to thank them for looking out for you, promise them you will consider all of their kind and well-meant advice and then tell them that you love them and are so glad you have them around to look out for you.

as for whether or not you listen to them, well, you've already said you're not going to. you're an adult, you can make your own decisions. if you use your brain in conjunction with your heart, well then, wonderful. we're not going to say you can't go wrong, but you can go less wrong than if you're just jumping head first without checking whether or not there's water in the pool.

as advice bitches, we do think you should do more than dismiss the concerns your friends are having. two months is an awfully short amount of time to be dating before moving on to this next big step. not only that, but your friends know you in a way that even you don't - from the outside. they've watched you in previous relationships, that can see your loving boyfriend from a perspective that you'll never be able to, and they want the best for you as a whole person - not just the best for you right this second, which is what we all think YOU'RE concerning yourself with.

***

q: i'm new to my office, but went out for happy hour recently with a small group of my co-workers. inevitably, work came up, and as the conversation went on, it began to focus on people we work with who weren't in attendance, and in what i can only refer to as a not-so flattering manner. it made me uncomfortable to hear them trashing people i don't know well enough to have an opinion, or people that i've met and liked but i also didn't want to come off as lecturing or no fun, since i was their guest. it really felt like it was the cool kids' table in the school cafeteria all over again! i'm invited to go out with them again, but should i go? and if it comes up again, what do i say when they start trashing people who aren't around?

- gossip girl

a: while it's true that no one likes a lecturer, it's also true that no one likes other people talking shit behind their back, and no one likes the sort of people who do that shit talking on a regular basis. the bitches are firm believers in and doers of the old policy of TALKING SHIT TO SOMEONE'S FACE, ahem, if you must. it's not exactly "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," but it'll do.

we recommend giving them another chance to show you a better side of themselves. presumably your co-workers are all adults, despite the fact that they sometimes act like gossipy little babies. this means that you should be able to simply tell them you're uncomfortable in situations where they talk about people that aren't around. however, you're new, and that might have the undesired effect of making them turn on you and start saying rude things about you when you're not around.

in this case, it might just be easier for you to affect a kind of "aw gee shucks" persona and tell them, in your cutest, most lovable voice, "that's not very nice, you guys!" or "hey, i LIKE so-and-do" or perhaps, even "look who's talking!" point out that they're acting like assholes without actually saying that they're acting like assholes. they SHOULD, if they're polite and/or paying attention to the subtleties of your demeanor, get what you are saying and move on. if they don't, feel free to change the subject entirely and to something completely random. that should (SHOULD) jar them out of shit talk mode.

if subtlety doesn't work, and you don't want to come off as a lecturer, you can always decline their invitation, round up some of the less cool office people and start your own happy hour gang!

***

q: i've given up on the idea of finding prince charming. don't get me wrong, i like men. i enjoy both spending time with them and having sex with them. i even think i'd like to marry one and procreate eventually... i just don't want one to get all gushy with me, or start being needlessly jealous, or want to soul search with me... or in me. or around me. i think my needs are practical and realistic, based on every relationship i've ever been in or seen, and i don't think there's anything wrong with giving up on romance.
- down with love

a: it's probably wise to have realistic, i.e. minimal, expectations of romantic behavior from most straight guys. it's not that they don't feel strongly about their ladies, or that they're ungrateful slobs - they just honestly don't get the whole romance thing. unfortunately, most of them hear "romance" and think it means "buy me flowers and candy," and that's where they shut off, without realizing that it can mean so much more that's NOT cliched and obligatory or senior-prom cheesy.

however, there's a difference between romance and love, and we're not sure you're clear on where that line is. some men are delicate flowers who enjoy cooking candlelit dinners, cuddling on the couch, and gushing about how lovely you are. if you're not into that, fine - most men will probably heave a sigh of relief that you're not! but the kind of close, loving bond that brings (and keeps) people together for their adult lives is something altogether different. it's more than "spending time and having sex" - it's about having a profound connection and knowing each other intimately, sharing life goals big and small, offering emotional support and encouraging personal growth. and, yes, it demands loyalty and commitment, and if you withhold your emotional/sexual attention from your partner or give it to someone else, they have a right to feel jealous and excluded.

long-term relationships aren't for everyone, and if you are a free spirit who demands independence and autonomy, good for you! there is nothing wrong with enjoying your life as a single adult, and choosing to spend time with gentleman callers on your own terms. but you can't have it both ways, enjoying the benefits of marriage and parenthood without any of the work or emotional intimacy. what kind of message will your kids get, if they see you dismissing or belittling your spouse whenever he tries to show affection? and what kind of guy (or any person) would want to stick around for a lifetime of mortgage-paying, in-law-visiting, child-rearing, and fevered-brow-mopping with zero emotional connection or support? seriously, guys don't like sex THAT much.

give up on cliched romance if you like, but don't give up on love - at least, not if you plan on marrying and having kids in the future. we promise we won't make you recite that "dance as if nobody is watching" poem in your wedding vows.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-seven

2008-05-20T09:23:00.001-07:00

q: as much as my new boyfriend is different from and better than my ex, it turns out they've both got pretty good taste, at least when it comes to some things (like me). my new boyfriend has a birthday coming up and i would like to treat him to the same gift that i got my last ex on his birthday, which happens to be dinner in a fancy restaurant and a gift certificate to his favorite store. this present would definitely be a hit, but i've been spending a lot of time whether or not it's creepy to be giving the same gift to two boyfriends in succession. should i wrack my brain for something else that's different, or should i go with what i know he will like?

- new and improved

a: remember what your grandma always told you: it's the thought that counts. and if the thought is good, AND the gift is good, there's no reason you should worry yourself with trying to find a more original gift.

coming up with gifts for ANYONE can be a difficult process, not to mention for someone you're in a new relationship with. you probably don't know this new boyfriend of yours well enough to get something personal and special, but you want to make a good impression on him because you like him. for now, an unoriginal but sure to be a hit gift will do. once you've stopped calling him your "new" boyfriend you can decide if you want to spend your time worrying about getting him personalized gifts... like monogrammed underpants and sex toys.

the fact is, your new boyfriend is never going to know that you've given this gift before, unless you decide to tell him, which we advise you not to do because it would just be weird. it's not something he needs to know. and your old boyfriend is never going to know you're giving it again, unless you tell him, which we advise you not to do because that would also just be weird. it's not something he needs to know... and why would you be talking to him anyway?!

***

q: i have been in this "sort of" relationship for about 18 months with a man i adore. he still says he wants to keep things "without a title" because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint me. he says that he is only seeing and sleeping with me. what else do i need to do to get him to commit to me? i don't want him to push him away but at this point it feels like his lack of commitment means he just doesn't really love me and is just waiting for something or someone else to come along.

- confused

a: although you may be disappointed by your not boyfriend's lack of willingness to assume a title, you certainly can't fault the man for his honesty. after all, relationships that work are generally those that concern themselves more with honesty than what to call themselves.

because this man is being honest with you, you are able to make decisions that will be good for you now and in the long run. if you think you would be happier with someone who is willing to commit to you in name as well as in action, you are free to look for that someone. as much as you might be sad about that, it's far better to be able to make properly informed decisions about your life and relationships than to be struggling to figure out what to do while you're stuck in a relationship with someone who can't or won't communicate with you.

don't confuse this man's "lack of title" for unwillingness to commit to you. if he is only seeing and sleeping with you, doesn't want to hurt or disappoint you, and is willing to be open and honest about what he wants and why he wants it, that sounds a little bit like commitment to us. maybe he's not your "boyfriend" and maybe you don't have a ring on your finger, but you have a respectable and respectful man to spend your time with, and that sounds like more than "sort of" a relationship to us.

when people are honest with each other, they both win, even if they don't settle down and get married, or still have to introduce each other as "my good friend."

***

q: a good friend of mine and i have been talking about moving in together in a few months ago. thus far, it hasn't been anything too serious, and we haven't begun the process of looking for a place to share - that would happen in three or more months from now. the problem is that i think i might rather live with a different friend of mine. now, it's not that i think friend one would be a bad roommate in any way, just that i think friend two would be a better one. does it totally suck of me to ditch the first friend and move forward with plans to move in with friend two? and if not, how do i ditch her gracefully?

- three's company

a: oh dear... the infamous friend triangle. well, there are a lot of variables to consider. is friend one looking for a roommate because of financial hardship or troubles with her current roommate? that is, would you be leaving her in the lurch if you ditched her? do friend one and friend two know each other independently of you, and will they create drama if you "pick" one over the other? what exactly makes friend two more attractive as a potential roommate?

it would indeed be totally lame to bail if you had already found a place, signed a lease, or made firm plans to move in together. since it's all been tentative so far, you MIGHT be able to get out of it, but you're still risking hurting friend one's feelings, unless she is extremely laid-back and/or also viewed your moving plans as very tentative.

you probably need a concrete reason that's at least semi-plausible to give friend one, if you really want to do this. you could say, "hey, i still think it would be neat to live with you, but i need to move out sooner than you'll be available, and friend two's moving date just happens to work out with mine." or, "we're great friends and i don't want anything to get in the way of that, but i know you need a quiet roommate so you can study and i'm pretty loud, so i think it might be better if we looked for different roommates." who knows, she may be surprised that you're so worried about hurting her feelings, and be all "whatevs, that's cool," but better to be safe than sorry.

of course, having friends as roommates can put a strain on any friendship - we've had some friend/roommate situations blow up in our faces before. so it might just be better for all if you keep your friends as friends, and get a roomie from craigslist like everyone else.

***

q: i love my boyfriend, really i do. we've been dating for two years now and have known each other for at least two more than that. but i'm only twenty, and i think i would like to see other people... while still seeing him. do you think there's any possible way i can bring this up and be successful - i.e., get him to agree to it? at the very least, i'd like to be able to stay friendly with him if he doesn't agree to it.

- three's a crowd

a: but of course you want to get out there and explore the world of dating! you're at the perfect time in your life to be meeting new people, enjoying flings and hookups, and learning what you (eventually) want in a serious relationship. in fact, if we may say so, that's probably ALL you should be doing right now. your teens and early twenties are a time of great personal change and growth - it's a time to focus first and foremost on finishing your education, starting your career, getting your own place, and becoming an adult on your own. only when you're comfortable with who you are will you know what you need and want in a partner.

however, getting him to understand this, let alone agree to it, will be difficult. because it is a step backward in your relationship to go from exclusive to casually dating, and if he wants more from the relationship than you are willing to give, it's not going to work.

the best thing you can do is gently but honestly explain all this to him. tell him that you care for him and enjoy his company, but you're not ready to settle down yet and you think it would be better for you both to see other people as well. if you've been together for two years and he's under the impression that things are going smoothly, he won't like this. and he probably won't enjoy being demoted from BF to gentleman caller, either. whether he wants to stay friendly is entirely up to him, and unfortunately, you don't really have the right to expect that if you're choosing to end the (exclusive) relationship.

realistically, your choices are probably a) stay with him exclusively, and feel stifled while secretly wishing to date other people, or b) break up with him and date as many people as you want, but not him. adult life is all about difficult choices, and that's a good lesson to learn in your early twenties, too.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-six

2008-05-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

q: i need some mother's day gift help! no matter what i try, my mother's day gifts never seem to go over well - they vanish into closets never to be seen again, get regifted to others, or get put on a shelf "for display" and never used. we live in different cities (and i can't afford to fly there just for a weekend), so i can't take her out for lunch or do something together, it has to be something i can send. flowers seem so boring, but i'm running out of ideas... any suggestions?

- the bad daughters club

a: your mom is the woman who made you the bitch you are today, so it's understandable to feel some pressure when it comes time to choose a gift for her. the point you want to get across with a mother's day gift is how much your mom means to you. write her a card with a sincere message, and find a meaningful picture of the two of you and have it framed. moms love that stuff. of course, you can only do the picture thing so many times...

so, then you have to think about what your mom likes. does she like to read? give her a good book! is she an accessory junkie? a pretty pair of earrings! does she garden? send her a plant! if you're the crafty type, you could also go the grade-school route and make something for her. one thing that most moms deserve and don't get enough of is pampering. we know gift certificates can feel impersonal, but if your mom's anything like ours, she probably wouldn't turn up her nose at a little r&r.

with whatever you send her, include a note about why you think she'll like it, how it reminded you of her and what a wonderful mom she is to you. as long as your gift comes with a message of love and makes your mom feel special, we're sure your mom will love it. even if it does just end up on display.

***
q: is there really ever a tactful way to tell someone that they don't smell good or that they have bad breath? if so, how?

- not breathing easy

a: this is totally one of those situations where we kinda envy dudes, because they seem to have no problem commenting openly on the body odors of their friends. we ladies seem to be overly preoccupied with not hurting anyone's feelings. while that's nice most of the time, sometimes it keeps us from saying things that really just need to be said. if you're really a bitch, you'll just tell your friend that he or she is stinky. we've done it. lord KNOWS we've done it. who are these people who have no sense of their own stinkiness? one of the bitches once ran into a friend of hers who was complaining that he'd just been out on a second date with a girl, and she still hadn't kissed him. said bitch didn't try to spare his feelings and told him, "well, it could be that your breath smells pretty bad right now." and she hasn't encountered this particular hygiene problem with this particular friend since! voila!

of course, your friends don't always give you such convenient opportunities to chime in. you could use the time-tested trick of offering your friend a tic-tac or a piece of gum, but that doesn't work so much for armpits. really, we always find that the best way to deliver any kind unpleasant news is to just come right out with it. you don't want to be a total bitch and announce, "girl, you smell RANK!" in front of a boy your friend likes. rather, you want to break it to her gently yet clearly with something like, "your breath doesn't smell very fresh, would you like a mint?" or "you smell a little like b.o." just coming out with the truth is much more helpful than avoiding your friend, or always steering the conversation to your favorite brand of deodorant.

***

q: what are your thoughts on adding one-night-stands to your facebook and myspace friends lists? is it totally weird? or are there situations where it wouldn't be, you know, creepy?

- friend request

a: it's true that social networking sites like myspace and facebook have expanded the concept of "friends." the average person's friends list can include exes, coworkers, pen pals, former classmates you haven't seen in years, acquaintances you met once at a party and vaguely thought were nice, and on and on. are these people "friends" in the traditional sense? not really, but they're social contacts that you associate with on some level, and presumably like enough that you want them to have access to pictures, updates on your life, and ways to contact you, and vice versa.

but... by its very definition, the one-night-stand is NOT an ongoing relationship. whether it's a drunken party makeout session, a hott hookup at a bar, or someone you found in the back pages of the local alt-weekly, the one-night-stand is a disposable, single-serving portion of passion, rather than someone with a recurring role in your life.

if you want this to be a friends-with-benefits situation, then yes, you could go ahead and add them (assuming you know for sure they also want a FWB thing), though even that is a type of relationship. but if this was indeed a one-night-stand, never to be repeated for whatever reason, then why would you even want a visual reminder of them? if you're just looking for a trophy of your sexy conquest, steal their underpants and call it a day.

***

q: i've noticed that a good friend of mine has been acting depressed. she doesn't want to go out to any sort of social event, she doesn't seem to want to talk to me or other friends very frequently, and she seems to have taken up sleeping as her number-one hobby. i think she should see a therapist, but i don't feel it would be appropriate or very kind to just tell her she needs to see a shrink. i suppose i have two questions: should i even approach her, and if so, how should i do it?

- analyze that

a: it's never easy to see a friend who appears to be going through a difficult time. we applaud your desire to help her get help, and sympathize with the challenge of bringing up a potentially thorny issue in a tactful way. many people react negatively to the idea of therapy, or consider depression as a personal weakness to overcome (or conceal), rather than a medical condition to be treated like any other.

the symptoms you mention do sound like depression (reduced interest in socializing and activities, frequent sleeping, self-isolation), and if that is the case, there are a variety of treatments available to your friend. but before that can happen, she needs to recognize that there is a problem and be OK with seeking help. and no, saying "you need to see a shrink" will not be helpful.

start by sitting your friend down and telling her you've noticed that she seems different lately and you are concerned about her. if she asks what, you can explain what you've observed and say that she seems a bit depressed. chances are, she will blow you off and assure you everything is fine, or else get defensive and not want to listen. if that happens, all you can really do is remind her that if she ever wants to talk or needs any help, you will be there for her. unless she's endangering herself or others, that's about all you can do right now - but hopefully your words will give her something to chew on, and when she does decide she needs someone to talk to, she'll talk to you.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-five

2008-04-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

q: what do you do when people won't pay their fair share of a restaurant bill? i know two separate people who do two different (but equally annoying) things. one orders expensive stuff, usually including a couple of drinks, and then wants to split the total bill equally "to make it easy," so everyone else ends up paying more than their fair share to cover her meal. the other person has a WAY higher tipping policy than i do (like, 30% or more), but if i don't tip high enough for his standards, he gets pissy, puts down money to pay for the difference, and acts like i'm cheating him out of money! why can't people just pay their share?

- check, please

a: it can be extremely frustrating, annoying, and burdensome on both your wallet and your friendship when people you're out to eat with won't pay their fair share of the bill, don't want to tip properly, or try to insist on splitting the bill in their favor to save a few bucks. those people are stingy assholes, and they should not be rewarded with the pleasure of your company at dinner.

when dining in large groups, it's best to decide how the check will be split up prior to ordering. if the general consensus is to split the bill evenly, at least you can be prepared for it in advance, and will feel free to order as much as everyone else feels free to order. if everyone would rather pay for their own items, simply cough up enough for your own meal, drinks and a standard tip (that's 15-20% people), make sure it's correct, and leave it at that. avoid being the person who is gathering the cash from everyone and counting it to make sure there's enough to cover the bill, as this person often either gets stuck covering the missing portion or being the guy who's going around soliciting cash.

in smaller groups, or when dining with one other person, it might not be as important to arrange the bill beforehand. if you're not comfortable splitting up a bill evenly, simply tell the people you are dining with that "unfortunately, you've only brought just enough to cover what you ordered and a tip" and leave them to decide whether they want to split up the rest of the bill evenly or not. bring enough cash and some different denominations of change so that you'll be able to leave the amount you owe.

when treating someone to dinner, it's nice to mention it beforehand so that it's not awkward when the check comes. if several people are going to treat one or more people, they should arrange how they are going to do so beforehand - that is, whether or not they are all going to chip in equally. if you're bickering about how to pay once the check come, it's more than a little awkward for the person you're "treating" to a meal.

if someone you're dining with insists on throwing extra into the pot so that the servers take home a little more, try your hardest not to begrudge them that. remember that they're probably not doing it to make you look bad, but because your server worked hard. sure, it's a little distasteful for them to do so, but it doesn't mean you didn't throw in your fair share or that you should be matching them for their extra tip.

remember that servers work for and sometimes split their tips with people behind the scenes, so always tip properly. if a server has gone above and beyond, feel free to leave them a generous tip and tell them they've done a good job. if you can't afford to tip properly, don't eat out.

***

q: a good friend of mine clearly has the hots for her coworker. i mean clearly in that they both act like they're in kindergarten around each other. my friend claims she can't stand the guy and i'm sure the guy probably says the same thing to his friends. how do i get them to realize they're perfect for each other, or at least convince my friend to give him a chance? they're both single and would, i think, be much happier as a couple.

- okay, cupid

a: well, darned if this doesn't sound like EVERY chick-lit book we've ever read (or seen turned into a movie). and don't those always end up in marital bliss, once the two would-be archnemeses realize their mutual scorn is but a thin veil for their mutual attraction and perfect compatibility? so there you go!

it sounds like you've seen them around each other enough to be pretty sure that they secretly like each other, and would also be compatible. so how to gently nudge them together? well, you could invite them both to happy hour, get an urgent call as soon as the drinks and food arrive, and be FORCED to dash off, leaving them no choice but to sit and chat for at least one round. you could hack into their email accounts and send each one a message, supposedly from the other person, confessing their romantic feelings. if you feel bold, you could try inviting them both to a party, and flirt a little with him, enough to make her to feel jealous and then to realize that she has been interested in him all along (though this could be playing with fire).

of course, the other chick-lit truism is that the earnest, well-meaning matchmaker is the one who truly deserves (and finds) love, usually with the guy she's trying to set up. so maybe it's really YOU who thinks he's perfect... in which case we recommend a hilarious mistaken-identity hijink, perhaps involving dog-walking or a blind date, that will bring the two of you together 4-evar.

***
q: speaking of snot, i have a friend who is constantly blowing his nose. he goes through tissues like nobody's business, and he doesn't really use them all the way up before he tosses them out. (i'm pretty sure that half the time he blows his nose, nothing is coming out.) as a trying-to-be-conscientious environmentalist, it bugs me to watch those tissues end up in the trash. would it be impolite to buy him a fabric handkerchief and suggest he use that?

- greenie

a: it creeps us out a bit to think that you are quietly keeping count of the number of tissues your friend uses, but we'll assume that he goes through SO many (like, one every two minutes) that it's ridiculously obvious that he's being wasteful.

self-improvement gifts are dangerous territory! if you insist on giving one, it should be absolutely clear that you don't send the message that you find the recipient disgusting and socially unacceptable. if at all possible, it should be presented as "here is this great thing that will make your life easier and better," rather than "your habits nauseate me, use this."

the best way to do this is to emphasize the personal touch and de-emphasize the desired goal behavior. for example, getting a set of hankies (not one) and have them monogrammed with his initials will make it seem more like a thoughtful gesture and less like a pointed hint. if he gives you a puzzled look and asks why, say you notice he suffers from allergies/colds/whatever and thought he might appreciate always having one handy - presumably he knows you well enough to know that you're eco-friendly, so that part goes without saying. or say that your dad always carried one (this bitch's dad did!) and it always struck you as a useful/classy/gentlemanly thing to have on one's person.

DO NOT mention that he is destroying the planet with his flagrant kleenex genocide. it will only make him self-conscious about his tissue use, while not endearing him at all to your gift, and might burn him on the concept of hankies forever. also, if you don't see him using them, you don't get to say anything or give him a little "reminder" - once you give a gift, it is theirs to do what they want with, even if that's shoving it in the back of their sock drawer and never pulling them out again. the earth will understand that you did the best you could.
***

q: i just started dating someone i really, REALLY like. adorable, sweet, smart, employed, just tall enough, in good shape, interesting, well read... in short, my dream guy. except for one thing: he can't kiss. i mean, he really can't kiss. it feels like a drooly vacuum on my face and needless to say, it grosses me out. i can't continue to date someone whose method of kissing repulses me, but i can't give up this perfect guy just because he slobbers a little too much. how do i train him to kiss me properly?

- fishfaced

a: we're guessing that almost no one likes having their face slobbered or sucked on in lieu of having it kissed. having your face slobbered on, though, isn't the end of the world and, if you're certain this guy is perfect in every other way, it's definitely worth your time to give him some time to learn what you like before feeding him to the wolves. (by wolves, we mean other bitches, the ones who like having their faces slobbered on.)

it's important for you to realize that he probably has no idea that his kissing technique grossest you out, and it wouldn't be very nice of you to just come right out and say it. as with all issues of this kind of physical nature, it's much more productive to guide and then compliment rather than criticize and correct. train this man like you would a puppy. if he's pissing in the wrong spot, take him to the right spot, then give him a cookie.

if his kissing is too aggressive, mention how you love being kissed softly. if his tongue is shoving its way into your mouth uncomfortably, shove it out and try kissing him with your mouth closed. that should take care of the tongue and the drool it's probably bringing with it. if he has bad breath, offer him a mint.

in short, go back to junior high. begin at the beginning, except with the advantage of knowing what you'd like to teach him.

if he really is your dream guy, he'll learn.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-four

2008-04-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

q: what is proper cell phone etiquette for the bus? i was recently talking to a friend on the long ride home, quietly and about topics that didn't strike me as offensive (work, summer vacation plans, things like that), when a crazy lady who rides the bus with me turned around and started yelling at me. granted, she's crazy and i've seen her yell at other people (including the bus driver) for all manner of insignificant or imagined slights, so i'm sure she's not the best judge of appropriate bus behavior. should i not talk on the phone on the bus, or is it okay if i'm talking quietly?

- a wheel on the bus

a: the general consensus among bitches and their friends is that if you MUST talk on your cell phone in public places full of other people, you should do so quietly, as far away from them as possible, and about topics that wouldn't make your grandmother blush. that means no swearing, no sex talk, no screams of excitement, no "i wuv you hunny," nothing personal and you know, not too much of anything else. keep those conversations to a minimum and swear to god, if you pull out your cell phone in a restaurant, you'd best be on your way out the door, cos there's almost nothing ruder than some asshole pulling out their phone to answer it at dinner.

(seriously, people that do that, go outside or go to dinner with someone else.)

all that aside, buses are a weird public space where SOME people feel free to carry on swords, spit their sunflower seed shells onto the person next to them, smell like absolutely rank doo doo, or masturbate onto their fellow passengers (to name just a few of the things we've seen on buses). it seems that if you're stuck on a long bus ride home and would like to call up a friend to chat, there's nothing wrong with it as long as you're aware of the people around you. that means that if your conversation is bothering them or if they ask you politely to lower your voice, you should respect them by lowering your voice, getting off the phone, or moving to an area of the bus where aren't sitting right next to other people. if you were trying to read, listen to music, or stare wistfully out the window and someone was talking loudly next to you, it might get on your nerves.

what's that golden rule? do unto others, and don't be an asshole with your cell phone.

***

q: there is one huge pet peeve i have... which is when someone blows their nose at a restaurant! i don't want to have SNOT brought to mind when i'm eating or about to eat. is it just me?

- snot a big deal

a: we understand your horror at people unleashing their mucus at the table. a restaurant is where people go to put food in their mouths, and the last thing anyone wants is someone else spreading their hair/mucus/fluids around in close proximity to food. it's just... gross.

you should not blow your nose at the table (and especially not in your napkin, eww). you should not brush your hair at the table. you should probably not even apply lipstick at the table, although this rule seems to be not as strict nowadays. in general, any hygiene task that involves bodily fluids or the scattering of DNA should be saved for the restroom. if in doubt, just get up and walk over to the restroom and save yourself (and everyone) the ickiness.

unfortunately, it's not really polite to lean over, tap someone on the shoulder, and say, "hey, take it to the men's room, will ya?" either. there will always be rude and tacky and disgusting people, and there's really no way around that. and honestly, as nasty as it is to see someone blowing their nose at the table, worse things have probably happened to your food back in the kitchen before it was served to you.

***

q: if i want someone's advice, i'll ask for it. if i don't, i won't. how do i stop people from giving me unsolicited advice? my '"friends" seem to feel free to comment on everything from my love life to what i order at restaurants to what i wear, and you know, it's really obnoxious.

- don't ask, don't tell

a: you will notice that this column is called "ask a bitch," not "receive unwanted advice from a bitch," and there is a good reason for that. people frequently need advice. people frequently want advice, too. but people almost never listen to advice they didn't ask for.

the good news is, the kind of people who obnoxiously barrage you with unwanted advice (coworkers, in-laws, strangers in line) don't actually care if you follow it or not. they just want to show off their wisdom and insight and superior lives by contrast to yours. in fact, if you DID take their advice, they'd be secretly bummed, because they wouldn't be able to tell you exactly what's wrong with your life and how you should fix it anymore.

however, we are curious as to why you put "friends" in quotes. if these are people who think they're your friends when you consider them annoying acquaintances at best, fine, go ahead and disregard them. but if these are indeed your actual friends who are just irritating you with their advice, try to go easy on them. friendship involves sharing the details of your lives, good and bad. if they recommend that you wear more blue or warn you away from a bad mexican restaurant, it's not necessarily because they want to run your life, but because they care about you and want to introduce you to awesome things and protect you from bad things. it may be mildly annoying, but it's well-meant.

friends are supposed to be people whose opinions you DO respect and care about, and whose feelings you don't want to hurt. but nobody says you have to take their advice. next time they start with "well, if you want MY opinion..." take a deep breath, wait for them to finish, and say, "thanks, i'll give that some thought." and then change the subject.

***

q: i seem to have an uncanny knack for surrounding myself with the most passive-agressive people. coworkers, roommates, family members... they all seem to be a part of this wonderful Slamming Doors and Sighing Loudly Club. i prefer to be a little more upfront with people when something is bothering me. in the real world, actually talking to people seems to be the only way to get results without alienating everyone around you. i've long since given up acknowledging passive-aggressive behavior as i find it immature and irritating, and if someone thinks slamming doors and sighing loudly is going to get results with me, then they're just shit outta luck. however, i would like to find a way to tell these special people in my life that i'm going to ignore them until they learn to man up and tell me when something is wrong with real words, which i am happy to respond to with real words of my own. how do i tell them they're not going to get results from me without playing into their passive-aggressive tactics?

- just aggressive

a: the trouble with passive-aggressive people is that they're everywhere, and that if we got rid of all of them, we'd be getting rid of pretty much everyone we know, because whether we like to admit it or not, there's a love of eye-rollin' in all of us, bitches included.

it's a problem of communication: how (much), when, where, why, who. real communication is often a difficult endeavor, one that might not seem like it's worth your while to engage in with every single person you come into contact with. the bitches would like to insist that it always is. you being clear with others will give you the upper hand always - not only because you'll be putting your thoughts/ideas/needs into the open where people will be able to respond to them positively, but you will be demanding this kind of behavior from people around you by modeling it. here's the thing to remember: passive-aggressive personalities don't get what they want from anyone except the big babies who fall prey to it.

if your roommate/coworker/sibling insists on sighing or slamming doors to communicate, simply stop allowing it - call them on it. ignoring their behavior will only get you so far, and certainly won't put an end to their behavior or make living/working with them any easier. calling them on it might not necessarily end it immediately, but it will put them in a position where they have the chance to open up with you (which may just be all they've needed) and will hopefully force them to examine their behavior for future situations and realize that there are better, more direct and quicker ways to get what they want and need from the people around them.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-three

2008-04-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

q: i have a hard time dealing with my extremely unorganized boss. as someone who is organized (especially at work), it's frustrating to have her double-checking with me constantly about projects she's assigned, assuming she's assigned projects when she hasn't, asking me to do something fifteen minutes before the meeting where it's due because she forgot until JUST THEN, having to redo research because she's lost the data i've given her. i've taken to keeping logs of what she's assigned and keeping backup copies of everything i give her, as well as emailing her ALL THE TIME so that there's a record of our every interaction, but that makes me feel like an asshole. do you think there might be a way to tell her she's driving me crazy & to get her shit together? or because she's my boss, do i just have to suck it up?

- nine to five

a: we know just what you're talking about - there's a supervisor at our office who is exactly the same way (and probably most offices, really). having people like this around is difficult because they make life so much more complicated for everyone: adding unnecessary steps, delaying workflow, and causing embarassing fuckups. unfortunately, it's hardest on the people who actually ARE organized, yet suffer the backlash of their boss's inefficiency.

it sounds like you're doing all the right things: keeping copies of EVERYTHING for back-up and to prove that it wasn't your error, maintaining logs, and checking in with her frequently. it might make you feel like a tool, but history has proven that you have to keep doing this stuff to protect yourself. don't feel bad about forwarding her your previously sent messages and adding a comment like, "per your request, i'm re-sending the information i sent you on mm/dd/yy" to emphasize that YOU didn't drop the ball. also, consider having weekly check-in meetings with her, where you go over every item in that current-assignments log. if she has trouble keeping track of multiple projects, this will help her to know what's currently happening and maybe jog her memory.

we assume that this is more of a low-level ongoing annoyance than, say, a threat to your job. but if it gets to the point where she's unfairly writing you up or downgrading you on your annual reviews because SHE can't keep her shit together, then it's time for a private meeting with hr. they may not know how bad it is, but they'll certainly be interested if it's affecting productivity. and not that it's an excuse, but there might be life circumstances or physiological reasons for her scatter-brainedness - we once worked with a supervisor who, literally, was brain-damaged from a car accident, and it affected her short-term memory and ability to process information. of course, she was a terrible boss and got fired, but she pretty much deserved it.

***

q: my ex and i have decided to remain friends, and i occasionally see him at our mutual friends' get-togethers. sometimes he will bring his girl-of-the-week over and they are excessively affectionate in front of me. should i be honest and tell him that this makes me uncomfortable, or should i get over it and find my own makeout buddy?

- i didn't need to see that

a: we applaud your maturity in wanting to remain friends with your ex. unfortunately, this comes with some uncomfortable territory, i.e., redefining your roles and your relationship to each other, and what's appropriate behavior in this new post-relationship friendship.

of course, you both have the right to date whoever you choose, and to express your enthusiasm for the person you're dating with as much PDA as you like. so although it may be gross and tacky to see him fondling his new gal pal, it's not your call to tell him his behavior is inappropriate (unless it's so xxx-rated that it makes all your friends uncomfortable, but that is still a very touchy conversation and best taken on by someone who didn't date him). he is your friend, but it isn't his responsibility to put your comfort and happiness first anymore.

it sounds like he definitely feels it's time to date new people, but you're still working on getting over the breakup and learning to think of him as "just a friend." if that's the case, don't make it harder on yourself by going to gatherings where you know you'll see him with girls. there is nothing wrong with needing time to be over a breakup, and you don't have to explain yourself if you don't want - just politely decline, or make plans to hang out with your friends one-on-one without your ex. if you want to let him know why, you can tell him, "i'm happy that we are still friends, but it's harder than i expected to see you dating other people, so i need to take some time by myself before i'll be comfortable hanging out with you and your date." if he's any kind of friend at all, he'll appreciate your honesty and respect your space until you're ready. and if he's just doing this to rub it in your face or make you feel bad, then who wants his lousy friendship anyway?

***

q: my box of super-fancy graduation announcements came with etiquette instructions, and one of the items is that announcements should be sent no more than two weeks before the event, or no later than two weeks after. seeing as how the event in question is still six weeks away, do you think it would be gauche as hell to send the announcements now? i personally would find it incredibly gauche to receive an invitation to an event two weeks after said event occurred... talk about begging for cash. at least this way the recipients of the invitations could reasonably make plans to attend the event. what do you think?

- the graduate

a: the bitches aren't exactly experts on etiquette. we are bitches, after all.

if your graduation announcements came with etiquette instructions and they say you can send the announcements up to two weeks after the event (after all, they're announcements, not invitations), then you can probably get away with it.

after all, isn't graduating really just an elaborate years & years long ploy to get presents, anyway?

you'd still deserve those presents two weeks after the event.

and anyway, we assume that most of the people who will be receiving these announcements will be members of your family, who will be able to see right through the announcement ploy and who probably expected all along that they'd get hit up for cash when you finished up with school.

that said, it probably would scream "give me money!" a little less desperately if you were to send them out in advance, allowing people the opportunity to attend and give you your gift in person. if you're uncomfortable sending them out six weeks in advance, three or four weeks in advance is probably a nice middle road between way-too-early gauche and it-already-happened gauche.

***

q: is it just me, or is it super-gross to cut your fingernails at work? this is the second office i've worked in now where someone regularly (at least once a week) gets out the clippers at their desk, and the click-click-clicking sound drives me nuts! i've mentioned it to others and they are all equally skeeved out. the coworker who's doing it is new, and she has some other bad habits (leaves her cellphone on with annoying ringtone, makes loud personal calls that last thirty minutes or more), but she's old enough - mid-thirties - that she should know how to behave in an office. i realize that you are at your desk all day, five days a week, but shouldn't some personal hygiene tasks be kept at home?

- sally hansen

a: there are definitely some places where it's completely inappropriate to indulge in self-care/personal hygiene. common areas at work are definitely among them. maybe your hands are clean, maybe you're making extra sure the clippings are falling into a wastebasket, maybe you really need to clip your fingernails, but that's too bad.

if it's absolutely necessary to clip your nails during work hours, then close your office door. if you don't have an office door to close, then at least take your happy clipping ass to the bathroom, which is a very special place, designated for doing all sorts of things you wouldn't (and shouldn't) want to to do in front of or within earshot of your coworkers. this includes pooping, farting, picking your nose, tweezing your unkempt eyebrows, popping zits, and yes, clipping your nails. maybe YOU don't think it's gross, but the potential to gross other people out when it comes to removing something that was once a part of your body is ALWAYS HIGH.

oh wait, that wasn't directed at you, that was directed at your co-worker.

if you feel up to it, it's completely appropriate for you to ask your coworker not to clip her nails at her desk or, for that matter, not to make loud & long personal calls while you are trying to get some work done. if you don't feel up to it, and that's fine, too, perhaps another coworker will. and if none of you want to actually ask her to stop, it's also completely appropriate for you to take this to human resources. they exist to deal with the things that you don't want to.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-two

2008-04-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

q: alright beetches, let's see what you got! i've been dating a guy on and off for 4 months, although literally have not seen him for 4 weeks, so i guess, technically, dating for about 3 months. i'm not sure how to tell him it's not working - should i be like a guy and just not answer any of his calls or should i be a girl and write him a note? what say you?

- dear jane

a: as much as we enjoy dividing the world into two opposing groups, let's resist the temptation of assuming that the two approaches to a given situation are "being like a guy" and "being like a girl." instead, let's think of it as "being a jerk" and "being a grownup." not that grownups can't be jerks, but you get the picture.

you've been dating this guy "on and off," so - assuming that he's on the same page - it's not like you have an exclusive arrangement. which means your obligations and responsibilities to him are not what they would be to, say, an official bf. you aren't required to meet him for coffee, have a tender and regret-filled final conversation, or explain anything at all to him about your decision. you've been going on dates, you don't want to go on any more, end of story.

BUT you do need to let him know, out of common courtesy, that you don't want to keep dating him. it sounds like he doesn't feel the same way, since he's called you multiple times, and it also sounds like you know that ignoring his calls is not the nice thing (or the "girl" thing) to do. given that you're just casually dating, an email is okay - say something like, "i've enjoyed spending time with you, but i don't feel like it's working out between us. you're a cool person and i wish you all the best." if you're feeling ballsy, you could actually answer the phone next time he calls and say a variation of those words. if he starts to sputter and fume, hang up! that's all you owe him. then, sashay off to your next hott date with the satisfaction of knowing you're being like a girl AND a grownup, all at once.

***

q: my girlfriend wants to stay friends with her ex, whom she dated for three years. she still wants to take care of him when he's sick, lets him borrow her car, and see her daughter. she says there is no chance of them getting back together. should i accept this and let it go? or should i let her go?

- ex marks the spot

a: we wish we had a little more information to work with here, because the answer kind of depends on the situation. you say "dated," so we're assuming it was bf/gf rather than a marriage, and that the ex isn't the baby daddy of your gf's daughter. we'll also assume that their breakup was amicable, since they both seem to want to stay in each other's lives to some extent, and that there's enough of a genuine bond between the ex and the daughter that they want to preserve that relationship despite the end of the romantic relationship.

so yeah, we get it - it's never great to have the ex hanging around. at best, it's a mildly uncomfortable third-wheel situation (where everyone takes turns feeling like the third wheel), and at worst, it's an excruciating love triangle where someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, even if it makes everyone else miserable. most of the time, it falls somewhere in between, with occasional teeth-gritting moments that you'll just have to stoically rise above.

it sounds like your gf has made up her mind that she wants this guy involved in her life on some level, not only for her but for her daughter. she has assured you that there is "no chance of them getting back together," which is good, but it sounds like she hasn't convinced you that she wants you and only you and that no ex could be a threat to your shared happiness. you have a right to ask for that emotional reassurance if you're not getting it, and if she can't (or won't) provide it to you, that's a red flag.

friends do let friends borrow their cars, and friends check in on friends when they are sick. but if you feel like her close friendship with this ex is sapping the emotional energy and time that she should be devoting to your relationship, that's a legitimate complaint and something you should bring up - in a non-hostile, non-attacking manner. ultimately, a relationship needs trust to succeed, and if you can't trust each other (whether that distrust is justified or not), then you're probably better off getting out of the relationship.

***

q: i have been dating this girl for at least a month now and things have been going really great. we both get on really well and all the times that we've been out together have been really enjoyable - lots of kissing, cuddiling, holding hands, etc. my problem however is that she has just ceased all contact with me and has not returned the last two texts i sent her. do i call her to ask for an expanation as to why she is ignoring me as i rightly deserve or do i simply forget her and move on?

- all by myself

a: it can't hurt to call the girl.

you might not want to put her on the defensive by asking her why she is ignoring you when you do call. it might be easier to ask her how she's doing and mention that you sent texts. prepare yourself for her not to answer your call (if she *is* ignoring your texts, she might do the same thing with your phone calls) or for her to avoid answering questions about why she hasn't been in touch with you. the sort of person who ends a relationship by just, out of nowhere, dropping off the face of the earth, is the same kind of person who would deny they're doing so, and also just, generally, an asshole who probably isn't worth your time.

we've said it before and we'll probably say it a million times more, but a person who isn't able to communicate is a person who is NO GOOD in a relationship, where communication is always key.

that said, try not to be too bitter or angry about it. you've only been dating for a month, for one thing, so it's not like she owes you that much. and, even better, you've only been dating for a month, which means you probably don't know her THAT well, which means you have no idea what's going on her life that might have led her to withdraw.

of course we agree that you're owed an explanation, but that sure doesn't mean you're going to get one.

***
q: i get extremely (on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown) aggravated when people wear shoes in my house. i've put up signs telling guests to please remove their shoes before entering and ask them verbally. that works, usually, but my in-laws seem to think my rules about shoes don't apply to them. all of them continue to wear their shoes in my house. i've asked nicely and they have to know how i feel about this. it literally drives me insane if i am sitting in the same room with someone who has their shoes on! my husband tells me it is rude to ask someone to take off their shoes. but i feel it is rude to not take off your shoes! i don't live outside in the dirt or animal doo-doo, and i certainly don't want to bring it into my house! what can i do? and am i being rude?

- mary jane

a: while it's hard for us to know whether or not you are actually being rude (you say you have asked nicely, but maybe you're lying), we can say that we think you are overreacting.

it's perfectly normal to wear shoes indoors and as far as we know, most people don't ask everyone to remove their shoes at the door. you know why? because most other people don't walk into someone else's home with dirt or doo-doo on their shoes, as you seem to be implying. do you really think your inlaws would track dog shit into your home? do you really think they live in the dirt and want to bring it inside? they probably do what most people do, which is avoid stepping in steaming piles of poo as they walk along and then wipe the bottoms of their shoes off before entering another person's home.

then again, it is your house, so you can make up whatever rules you'd like. if you don't want people to wear shoes inside, tell them so. if they don't respond to your verbal instructions or to the signage you've created, then perhaps you should a shoe rack as an extra indicator for them to take their shoes off, or get an extra scratchy welcome mat for them to wipe their feet on. better yet, don't invite those people over ever again!

in addition, if people wearing their shoes in your house is really, truly that upsetting to you, it might be something to talk to about in depth with your therapist.

we can only assume you have one.

ask a bitch: volume thirty-one

2008-03-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

q: dear bitches,
happy birthday! i'm turning 30 too and still with no prospects. how do i land a girl before i lose all of my hair? any advice specifically for a socially inept engineer type?

- every nerd you've ever known

a: this is a question the bitches never, ever tire of answering. no matter how many times you ask it.

first, and most importantly, we'd like to stress that thirty isn't old, that having "no prospects" now doesn't mean you have no prospects forever, and that losing your hair won't cause you to have no prospects in the future.

the thing to remember, always, is that you are responsible for the prospects in your life. if you have resigned yourself to not ever meeting someone, well, who's gonna be surprised when you don't meet anyone? and if you're willing to put yourself out there, a little bit on the line sometimes, then it won't be surprising when you do meet someones. yes, someones. yes, you will have many prospects. you just have to go out and make them happen for yourself.

if you find yourself dreading social situations, don't fret, you can still make yourself prospects. the internet and its plethora of dating websites were made for the socially inept engineer types of the world, and they're certainly not the only ones making use of it.

***

q: i'm a man who enjoys foolishness - nonsense, daydreams, creating improbable events, channelling the spirit of james brown, using words like 'zoinks' and making my own sound effects. i believe a little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men. consequently, i feel younger than i physically am. however, to women my own age i'm a boy in the body of a man, something i don't consider a bad thing, but apparently doesn't lend itself to dating. the younger women i meet enjoy my foolishness, but, i suspect, view me as just a touch too old to date. i don't fit anyone, or, no one fits me. do they even make women in my size anymore? for pete's sake, i have a home, good job, car, i cook, take care of myself, own toenail clippers and dental floss! all the trappings of adulthood. how do i show them all that stability and nonsense are not mutually exclusive? or better yet, where do i meet someone as silly?

- stuck in the middle

a: it's hard to get specific without knowing things like your age, the age of the women you're trying to date, or what exactly constitutes "foolishness," but hell, we'll give it a whirl. in general, yes - lightheartedness, an appreciation of the ridiculous, and a good sense of humor are all helpful in maintaining a good attitude to life, and are attractive qualities to possess. but we're getting more of a rubber-chicken-and-whoopie-cushion sense from you here.

like it or not, our society has certain expectations of how an adult should look and behave. and also like it or not, women are biologically predisposed to look for qualities like responsibility and financial stability in their mates. it's SCIENCE! so while you may in fact possess the job, the house, and all the other trappings of an attractively grown-up male, it's hard for women to see that when you're wearing neon-green checkered suspenders and doing your best james brown impression while standing in the checkout line. there's a distinctly off-putting whiff of desperation when someone is trying really hard to be a wacky, kooky free spirit and show you how unaffected they are by others' opinions, and that's an impression you definitely want to avoid giving.

we get that you want to be true to yourself and find someone who appreciates you as you are. we're just suggesting that you tone it down at first, emphasize your other attractive qualities, and slowly let your hair down when you start to become comfortable and get to know each other better. on a first date, dress like a grown-up, and add one subtly unconventional touch (like a "zoinks!" button on your jacket, or blue nail polish) to stimulate conversation and hint at your fun-loving nature. DO NOT pull a quarter from behind your date's ear.

or, if you want to find someone equally bold and un-embarrassable, sign up for clown college, magic classes, improv classes, etc. seriously! you'll meet people who are proudly wacky and nonsensical, enjoy youthful outlooks on life, and don't take things too seriously. at the very least, you'll acquire some new skills, and you might even meet the rainbow-wigged love of your life.

***

q: i think i'm a pretty likable person, at least insofar as i'm able to stay friends with exes - in general, this is the case. there is, however, one ex who refuses to let the past go and be civil with me now, and he's had more than enough time to get over what was more or less a shitty relationship to begin with. it's no skin off my teeth, really, if he doesn't want to be friends with me. what bothers me is the discomfort it causes all these years later among the folks who were/are our mutual friends. it was impossible to divide friends up among us, as we'd travelled in the same circle for years prior to dating. because he protests, we still won't get invited to the same shows, parties, dinners. (the best part of it is that he spent our entire relationship accusing me of being immature and spoiled.)

i have no interest in seeing him, and no interest in being his friend, either, but i don't want him to feel like me being somewhere means he shouldn't and i don't want our friends to feel like they are still in the middle of some great drama, which they aren't. it's just his drama.

- as if

a: yeowch. well, one of us bitches is mostly friends with her exes, and one of us bitches is mostly hated by her exes, and you got the one whose exes hate her. so, we feel your pain - petty, mean-spirited exes who seemingly have nothing better to do than take passive-aggressive swipes and make mutual friends uncomfortable are wack.

why does he do it? maybe he's genuinely still not over you, even though it's been plenty long enough for him to get closure and move on. more likely is that he felt ill-used and mistreated by how things ended, and he's enjoying his grudge too much to stop punishing you, despite the social dilemmas it's creating. either way, he's throwing a tantrum to get your attention like a whiny toddler, and do you know what we do with bratty, shrieking toddlers? we deny them human contact until they can behave.

the good part is, you are in no way responsible for his post-you behavior, so you don't have to do a darn thing. your friends are grownups - if they truly can't stand his drama, it's up to them to have a talk with him or decide not to invite him out anymore. your job is to stay out of it. don't trash-talk him to your friends (after all, that might be equally awkward for them), don't press them for details of what he says about you, don't feed into any of his little attention-getting schemes. resist the temptation to defend yourself or swipe back at him - if you refuse to dignify his tantrums with a response, and he keeps acting like a whiny brat, it will be MORE than obvious who is to blame, and then it will be up to your friends to decide who is worth keeping in their lives and who is not. we're guessing it will be pretty clear.

***

q: office parties make me want to die. at this very moment, in fact, there is a potluck going on in our meeting room that i am hiding from. i'll go out to lunch or drinks with work friends on their birthdays, but i've always hated the pathetic ritual of gathering 'round the sheet cake with coworkers who don't even know or care whose birthday it is. i feel like it should be okay to opt out of these gatherings and let those who want to have their fun, but i always get crap if i don't go. so what's with these workplace fun enforcers who don't get that not everyone wants to party in the breakroom? and how can i gracefully excuse myself from these events?

- a case of the mondays

a: you're not alone. bitches everywhere relate to this dilemma of yours. office parties more or less suck, always.

despite the fact that many people find these types of situations uncomfortable or a waste of time when they could actually be working, there are always a few persistent party planners who go out of their way to make sure everyone attends every party, big or small.

in the interest of keeping the peace, you may want to make an effort to show your face at a party every now and then. not that it really matters, in the grand scheme of things, whether or not your coworkers like you, but it might make the environment you work in a little more friendly, and those whose birthday parties you attend might be a little more likely to do you favors and offer you help when you need it.

if the thought of attending another office party is to excruciating to bear, don't go. tell whoever's birthday/baby/wedding/promotion you're supposed to be celebrating happy birthday/congratulations beforehand and tell the party planners you're just too busy to attend another party. if you have to, close your office door, put a sign that says you're busy, or better yet, use the opportunity to take a mid-afternoon walk or to head to the cafeteria for a cup of tea. if you're out getting a few minutes of fresh air and sunshine, no one will be able to track you down, and you will be able to avoid the party without having to face any of your officemates.

ask a bitch: volume thirty

2008-03-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

q: not long ago, i invited a good friend and her boyfriend to move in with me and my boyfriend. it seemed like a great idea, as they needed a place (having just gotten back, with almost nothing, from burning man and travelling), and we needed roommates, having recently gotten rid of one who didn’t work out. it seemed like it was fate. i made it clear how happy we are in our home, how lucky we feel to be there, and that we had to all move out in the fall but that until then they could live there for good rent and with good company.

problem is, as soon as they moved in, they claimed i never told them the lease was up in august, they decided they wanted to start an endless party, they started eating all of our food and not replacing it(to the point that my boyfriend and i have bought a mini-fridge for our room and moved all of our spices and things onto a shelf in there), they don’t buy any shared supplies like toilet paper (we keep that in our room now as well)... and so on.

whenever these issues are mentioned, they are faced with denial, accusations or blankness. now there is tension in the house and needless to say, i want them out and so does my boyfriend, but we are scared of their reaction. i’m also not sure i want them as friends anymore. what happened? what do i do?

- not your welcome mat

a: what has happened is simple, it’s the almost always inevitable result of living with roommates: that you end up hating them.

you know the situation: you think you know someone, agree to move in together, and then find out who they really are. it turns out you don’t actually like this person when you’re sharing a small space, cleaning up their messes and wondering where the last of your milk went and why there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom. AGAIN.

can you imagine what they’re saying about you? it’s probably a fair bet that they’re bitching to their friends about how lame you are because you refuse to have parties and how cheap you are because you’ve been starting fights with them over something as silly as toilet paper.

that’s just what happens. everyone always feels wronged, and not responsible for the mess they’re in.

not that we’re taking their side, it’s just that the fact of the matter is that one should always be extremely careful about who one lives with and YOU, specifically, should have seen the signs about these two. burning man? travelling? having almost nothing? that wasn’t fate, that was convenient. just because something is convenient doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. no matter what they said about what they’d be like to live with, you should have had some clue.

that said, they’re totally in the wrong for misleading you, for eating all your food and for not chipping in for shared household items.

it’s time for them to go. you, or you and your boyfriend, need to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that their behavior (and be specific) has forced your hand, and that they are no longer welcome to live with you. your lease, your apartment. not their lease, not their apartment. you’ll probably end up losing your friendship with them, but it doesn’t really sound like it was a very good one to begin with.

(if telling them they’ve got to go doesn’t work, a lawyer friend of ours adds: with the roommate not identified on the lease, and no written lease agreement, you should be able to terminate the tenancy on a month’s notice. thus, you would probably have to serve a 30 day notice to terminate, and if necessary to commence "holdover" proceedings to evict the roommate after the expiration of that period. (note that this is a formal notice, not just a letter saying "move in 30 days - you may be able to obtain a notice form at a local courthouse.) different states have some tricky housing laws, consulting with an attorney is probably a good idea. if it comes to that.)

***

q: i was checking craigslist on my girlfriends computer to look at some apartments and i noticed that the "men seeking woman" section had been highlighted! when i asked she just said that she was bored and read it for laughs. is being mad about this is reasonable? should i just be happy that it wasn’t the casual encounters section or should i be pissed that it’s not the woman seeking woman section?

- i’m not craig

a: we all have our own dirty little craigslist secrets.

one of the bitches might spend her time perusing the missed connections, hoping to see something about herself, getting unreasonably upset when she doesn’t. one of us might spend hours clicking on casual encounters wondering who does that, knowing full well. one of us might try to get things from the free section that she can’t even begin to think of a use for, just because they’re free. one of us might post fake ads to see who responds. one of might check out men seeking women, even if we’ve got a bf, just to see what’s out there. one of us might do the same in the women seeking women section. or, if neither of us does those things, certainly people we know do.

craigslist is good for laughs and for killing time, among other things. if you’ve no other reason to doubt your girlfriend, don’t start to doubt her over this. if she’d been up to something sneaky, she probably would have done a better job of hiding it from you.

yes, you’re being unreasonable. what you need to do is relax. then maybe check out the best of craigslist for a few laughs.

***

q: a coworker’s wife was mad at him around christmastime. prior to the holiday, she’d told him she wanted a specific jacket from j. crew but then told him she could wait until everything goes on sale after christmas. he was planning to get it for her then. for christmas, so she’d have something to open anyway, he got her a spendy car detail gift certificate. this apparently was not good. he wondered why she’d be mad about this. (i suspected she was pissed because he also got his mother a car detailing gift certificate.) any thoughts?

- merry ho ho

a: oh, men. and gifts. men and gifts. we do not really understand why it is so hard for men to understand the rules of gift-giving, because it all seems very clear to us, but obviously it is a brain-exploding puzzle for the fellas out there. therefore, we will explain.

so, when the wife said she "could wait until everything went on sale after xmas"... she didn’t mean that. well, maybe she thought she did, but secretly she wanted to be surprised on xmas day OMG IT’S PERFECT HOW DID YOU KNOW. as practical as it may be to say you’ll wait until after the holiday when it’s on sale, it is also completely un-fun and unromantic, which sucks the joy right out of it. one of the bitches once dated a guy who claimed he didn’t realize xmas gifts needed to be wrapped (!), so he handed them to her one by one, unwrapped, from behind the couch, and it was the least festive thing you could possibly imagine.

your coworker was wise to realize that his wife would still want something to open on xmas day, but his error was wandering into the automotive supply aisle for this gift. we have yet to meet a woman who would be genuinely thrilled, or even appreciative, of a gift certificate for car detailing as a holiday gift. that sounds about as exciting as being presented with a dishwasher, or maybe a gun rack. and no, it doesn’t help AT ALL that he gave his wife the same gift that he gave his mom - it makes it seem even less thoughtful and totally impersonal and uninspired.

let’s give your coworker the benefit of the doubt - maybe he himself thinks a gift certificate for car detailing is a great gift, and one he would love. maybe his wife complained about all the crumbs and cheerios mashed into her car’s upholstery, and he was trying to be sweet. but there are two basic rules to remember when getting gifts for anybody on your list: 1) get something THEY like, not something YOU like, or even something you want them to like, and 2) don’t get anyone a car detailing gift certificate. ever.

***

q: my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost six months. he is a good person and a truly thoughtful human being. i have never been with somebody who has treated me with as much consideration and attention as he has, and i would have wanted to be friends with him even if i hadn’t been attracted to him at first.

around november, he started to act less interested in life, which i chalked up to exhaustion. we both had a really hard semester and he failed all his classes. i figured somebody like him would get back on track soon, but it’s gotten worse. he is manifesting signs of depression: sleeping all day, high caffeine use, skipping class, doesn’t want to hang with friends much, stopped exercising, constantly playing video games, doesn’t walk his dog anymore, doesn’t practice sports actively, and is failing all his classes again.

this guy has been through so much. we went through a very tumultuous time with his ex-fiancee, who dumped him for his best friend last march. (also, around the time we started dating, his baby nephew was diagnosed with cancer.) in addition, his dad had cancer and a stroke a few years ago, and his older brother died in a car crash when he was 10. i have suggested he get counseling, but i talked to another ex-gf he is close to and she says he’ll never go for that. i suggested he try to get involved in creative expression again, as he used to love acting, but he just says he’s too busy. i have exhausted my "gentle intervention" skills and don’t know what to do.

on a personal level, i feel really guilty. this person is everything i should want. but i’ve stopped wanting him. i try to initiate sex, but... i don’t even get excited. i think i’m staying with him out of friendship-caring, not relationship-caring. and i resent the situation a bit because i feel obligated to stay. hasn’t he been there for me when i had hard times? bitches, how can i help my boyfriend? how can i help myself and still do the right thing?

- la confundida

a: well, those are two very different questions, and you may not like the answers to them. we sympathize, because this sounds like a rough situation, and as much as you want it to have a happy ending, there just might not be one solution that will fix all the problems.

your bf sounds like he’s been through a lot already, and depression can be crippling just on its own, regardless of what’s going on in a person’s life on top of that. but counseling/therapy only works if the person is willing, and ready to do a lot of hard work in facing what’s wrong with their life and working through their own issues. if his depression is serious enough that he can’t get out of bed, isn’t eating or showering, etc., antidepressants might be helpful in stabilizing him enough to be functional and figure out his next step. depression is a medical condition and antidepressants are medicine, and if he can think of it that way, maybe he can get over the stigma of seeking help for his depression.

however, we feel we should point out that you’ve been dating for a total of six months. and since it’s currently march, and you say he’s been depressed since november, that means he’s been listless, antisocial, uninterested in life, and failing in school for... five of those six months. so how did you even get to know him well enough before the problems started to know what he’s really like? what if, in fact, this IS what he’s really like? if he’s clinically depressed, or bipolar, can you face dealing with these symptoms for the rest of your life with him? especially if he refuses to seek help or recognize that his emotional paralysis is destroying your relationship?

it’s worth noting that he has at least two exes that he’s still close to, so he’s probably a basically good guy and clearly has people in his life who care about him. but it sounds like the exes got exhausted fighting the same issues that you are now battling, and gave up - though they didn’t give up on him. so maybe that’s the smart option for you, too. stay in his life, be a caring friend and offer the support and sympathy that he obviously needs. but don’t remain in a relationship out of pity or obligation, because it doesn’t really help anyone - not him and not you. perhaps if he puts his life back together, rediscovers his passion and interests, he can be that guy that you were initially so attracted to, and you can try things again. but hanging on resentfully, in a relationship where attraction and desire have been smothered out of you, will certainly destroy any chance of long-term happiness together. stay strong and hang in there - the bitches will be crossing their fingers for you!

ask a bitch: volume twenty-nine

2008-03-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

q: how can you stop giving people presents? don't get me wrong, i love giving my friends and family gifts - when i see something that i know they will love. but i HATE the panicky desperation of running around the day before their party, trying to find something within my budget that they'll actually use and like and not just donate to goodwill or re-gift. and then spending more money on cute wrapping paper, gift bag, tissue paper, greeting card, etc. does anyone actually need another vanilla scented candle or blank book?! i would rather take them out to dinner/drinks or maybe a concert or a movie, something that doesn't create more STUFF. i think many of my friends would also be relieved to get out of the gift-exchanging vicious circle, but i don't know how to bring it up in a way that doesn't sound tacky or like i'm just trying to weasel out of spending money on them.

- the grinch

a: the bitches are all for not wasting your money on presents people aren't gonna like. not only does it save you the trouble, the money, and the environment (a little, okay, we'll give you that), but it also saves the recipient the trouble of pretending to like something they don't and then having to find some way to get rid of it.

not that you give bad presents, it's just... we understand.

it seems the best way to broach this subject would be way in advance, at a date not connected to a birthday or holiday. maybe at the beginning of the year, or now - while you're thinking about it, you could send out an email letting everyone you normally exchange gifts with know that you aren't going to be doing that anymore and explain your reasons. most people will understand and you're right, probably be relieved that they don't have to spend money on you.

if there are people you still plan on exchanging gifts with, now might also be a good time to let them know that despite your plan to save the world and your wallet by not buying presents anymore, you're still going to do so with them. they might appreciate knowing that they're going to keep you on their gift lists, as well.

if you've got a birthday or gift-giving occasion coming up that you are going to continue to buy for, it's perfectly acceptable to ask/tell the recipient that you'd like to take them to dinner/drinks/concert to celebrate. anyone with half a brain understands that that's a present, too. if they don't, fuck it, they don't deserve a present from you anyway.

***

q: i've been seeing this guy for about a month now. i made sure we talked about things before we started seeing each other...the stuff people tend to avoid. boundaries, expectations, etc. one of the results of these discussions was an agreement that we go "dutch" or in some way split the cost of going out. since then, he's paid for everything, and getting him to even take money after the fact, let alone let me pay, seems difficult. i finally paid, and he relented and was honestly gracious, only to immediately buy me a "impromptu" gift that cost about the same as the meal we just had. i felt like it "cancelled" out me paying. everyone i've asked so far seems in agreement that him wanting to pay is a good thing....but I just don't know... i don't want this to be an "issue" between us in the future, given our original agreement. so what non-verbal thing is he trying to communicate here? am i just over-analyzing this and should i just let him pay?

- get on the double dutch bus

a: the bitches applaud your foresight and planning, as well as your fair-mindedness when it comes to paying. when both halves of a couple are working and making money, it seems only right to share expenses - though there are as many ways to do that as there are couples, and the only real rule is that nobody should feel cheated or taken advantage of.

however... we wonder if we detect a little TOO much assertiveness in your money talk. most new couples are too busy gazing adoringly into each other's eyes, or other parts, to have time for an earnest, serious discussion about who shall reach for the check and how often. did you really come to an "agreement" about taking turns paying? OR (as we suspect) did you say, "listen, i want to be fair and i think we should split the check when we go out" and he said, "yes, uh huh, sure" but was actually thinking, "i will say whatever you want if you will just keep going out with me, beautiful lady"?

to be sure, we live in an enlightened era where women can earn as much - or more than! - their mens. but it is difficult to abandon those old, bad, wicked, sexist gender roles, and even we bitches sometimes want to feel dainty and delicate and be taken care of by our big strong BFs. boys like to feel like they are tough, manly providers who can take care of their women, and we would guess that is what your BF is trying to show you. if it really bothers you, consider ways of contributing that don't involve flashing cash: cook him a romantic dinner, offer to pick him up at the airport, bring over pizza and watch that all-day wrestling/poker/bass-fishing tournament with him. as the newness of the relationship wears off and he relaxes and gets more comfortable with you, he'll likely feel better about letting you treat, too. relationships are all about compromise, and trust us, there are worse compromises than letting your BF pay for dinner two-thirds of the time.

***

q: ...is ignorance really bliss?

i work my harbls off to remain knowledgable not just in my field of work, but about the world around us, and the history that brought us here. other than being able to win the occasional snarky argument on teh interwebz, however, this seems to bring nothing but misery. people with no fucking clue seem to party like it's 1999 at all times, whether they're electing idiots like george bush, buying homes with ARM mortgages, or dating the same idiots over and over.

would i be better off just letting go of the brain salad and embracing the twinkies?

- has harbls, also brains

a: wow, harbls. you win points with us for that.

short answer: LOL, NOZ!

longer answer: seriously, no way. ignorance might be bliss, but do you really want to spend the rest of your blissful days not knowing shit about shit, unable to win arguments on the interwebz?

look around you and you just might find that all over the place, people embrace brain salad and that, just because someone might also embrace a twinkie or two doesn't necessarily make them one.

***

q: a few years ago i became friends with a man a few years younger than me. over time we became close, but never closer than friends, at least not as far as i was concerned. not long ago, he decided to reveal that he has a crush on me, and has for years. i don't know where he thought this would get him, as i have a boyfriend, and have had one the entire time we've been friends. i've always been clear that i love my boyfriend and i've always tried to maintain friend boundaries between us. of course, now he's awkward and totally weird around me, and it makes me uncomfortable and sad. i don't want to lose a friend over this, but i don't want him acting like a fucking freak all the time. should i cut my losses, or just ride it out until things settle down?

- best friends forever

a: ah, the eternal debate rages on: can a straight guy and a straight girl be platonic friends, or will sexual tension always get in the way? in some cases, it's possible (you've known each other since birth and are more like bro and sis, or just weren't each other's type and never felt even a teeny shred of attraction to each other). but for the most part, especially over a friendship that lasts for years, there will be some point where someone will feel a spark of romantic attraction. after all, the things that bring us together as friends - shared interests, sense of humor, mutual values and beliefs - are what we look for in significant others, too. so it shouldn't be surprising if we one day realize that the person we like, have fun with, and care about is also kinda hott.

where it gets to be a problem is when one person wants to change the nature of the relationship, and the other person doesn't. which, honestly, is usually what happens. from what you've said, you have been upfront with him - he knew you had a BF, you were clear that it was a happy relationship and you weren't available, yet he's been silently pining for years in the hopes of someday kicking your friendship into a higher, romantic gear. he's been dishonest about his feelings for you, and a true friendship requires honesty.

what he should have done is, as soon as he realized how he felt, come to you and told you how he felt, and asked what you wanted to do - while being ready to gracefully bow out of your life if you weren't interested. he would probably argue something like, "but i didn't want to lose the friendship," but frankly, it stopped being just a friendship once he realized he wanted to see you naked.

of course, it's also possible that you weren't as clear with him as you thought. to the hopeful eyes of a pining suitor, even neutral gestures or friendly shows of affection can be enough to keep them hanging on. or maybe you tolerated, even encouraged a certain level of flirtiness, thinking it was all playful and didn't mean anything serious. or maybe you're the kind of girl who secretly enjoys the drama of having male "friends" who pine unrequitedly for her. but we hope not, because that is not cool and it ruins the nice guys for the rest of us bitches.

either way, it's landed you in the same awkward place. think of it as a breakup - because it IS the end of the relationship (aka friendship) you've had for years. like a breakup, you need to give it some time, for both of you to get closure and come to terms with what happened. after a while, maybe you'll find that you can mentally readjust your roles and be friends again (though probably not super-close ones, at least not for some time). or maybe you'll realize that life is less stressful without a secretly pining guy friend hanging around. there are no easy answers, and it is sad to lose a friendship, but to be blunt, you've already lost the friendship you thought you had - the only decision to make now is whether to pick it up again at some future point, when the angst has cooled off.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-eight

2008-02-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

ask a bitch is written by irene and steph, and no, you can't know how we do it.

q: how do i tell a new acquaintance, one who apparently has NO BOUNDARIES, to back off? she constantly reveals personal information about herself, asks for personal information from me that i don't feel comfortable sharing, and has no concept of my personal space. i've told her a few times that there are some things i don't feel comfortable sharing but it doesn't seem to make a difference. i work with her, otherwise i'd no longer have any contact with her, so i don't want to make things too awkward in the office, either.

- nothing personal

a: let's blame the modern age. respecting privacy seems to be a lost art in our exhibitionist, narcissistic youtube society, where you can't walk down the street without being bombarded with someone's highly personal cellphone conversations, and facebook/myspace/lj assaults you with intimate updates on your "friends," whether you want them or not. maintaining a personal space bubble, or even a polite distance, requires vigilance and hard work like never before.

the bummer is that the worst offenders literally can't understand why their behavior is so off-putting, and so you will never really get them to comprehend WHY it makes you wince when they stomp into your cube and shove a fist into your bag of pita chips. all you can do is build that wall faster than they can kick it down. when your acquaintance asks you how much your weekly paycheck is, or your significant other's favorite sex position, either deflect with a limp joke ("if i told you, i'd have to kill you, haha") or flat-out say, "i prefer not to discuss that." then change the subject. when she overshares, physically hold up your hands as if to ward off oozing fluids, and say, "whoa! tmi," or something. then refuse to hear or comment on anything she says after that. as far as physical space, you may have to get obvious - jerk back if she touches you, scoot away if she's a close-talker, get up and leave your cube if she comes to chat and won't go.

the good part is that people who are this clueless are generally pretty thick-skinned, so she won't take it too badly when you keep telling her, "i don't want to talk about that," or "please don't ask me about my medical conditions." since you've managed to limit interaction to the office, even she should be able to get that there are personal things that are not appropriate to discuss in the workplace. but if it becomes truly intolerable, consider asking your supervisor or hr person to take her aside for a chat - this is something that will affect her career eventually, so it's fair game for an office intervention.

***

q: i've been seeing the same person, off and on, for the last two years. we've had our ups and downs, ins and outs, and have made it through mostly unscathed. the problem is that i'm ready to settle down, and he's not. should i issue him an ultimatum - MARRY ME OR ELSE - or should i not mess with a formula that makes us both, for the most part, happy? and is mostly happy good enough?

- slightly unsettled

a: we know that you know that ultimatums have no place in a relationship between equals, because even if they could be enforced, do you really want to be in the kind of relationship that requires them? to put it another way, if you have to FORCE someone to commit to you, what good will that commitment really be?

that said, there are different types of commitment out there. some people believe that the act of being legally married confers a special status upon a relationship which makes it more permanent, more real, and more meaningful to the parties involved. some people think "marriage is just a piece of paper," and it wouldn't change anything about how they feel for their partner. and if you look at it in a certain way, getting married is a kind of ultimatum, too ("stay with me or SUFFER A GRUELING DIVORCE"). wouldn't it mean more for someone who wasn't legally obligated to be with you to choose, every day for their whole life, to stay, simply because they want to?

on the other hand, there are a lot of commitmentphobes hiding out behind the flimsy "marriage is just a piece of paper" excuse. as with so many issues, what truly matters is not how your personal solution conforms to society's expectations, but whether you and your SO are happy with your arrangement. if your guy says, "i'm happy with you and i don't see anything about that changing," and you can be content with the emotional connection and trust between you, then yes, it can be enough. this does not, however, mean bottling up your secret wedding fantasies or waiting for him to feel like settling down, because that really IS a recipe for disaster.

remember, though, that there are no guarantees in life, and marriage does not automatically create stability and happiness. if it did, nobody would ever get divorced. only you know whether the bond of marriage is essential to your vision of romantic fulfillment (and it's okay if it is!), but you owe it to yourself to figure out what you need from love, and whether your special guy is willing to give that to you freely, sans ultimatum.

***

q: although i've had several long term relationships in the past, i've been single for the last two years. it's not that i don't want to date, it's just that i don't know where to start. previous relationships were with people i met in school settings, and i'm well past school age now. i'm not interested in meeting anyone where i work, and i'm not interested in dating anyone i meet at a bar. where do i begin, and how am i supposed to be confident about men when everything i've tried for the last two years hasn't worked out?

- just like starting over

a: starting over at any time, for any reason, under any circumstances, is hard.

moving to a new city, getting a new job, having to find yourself a new pet or a new boyfriend... those things strike us as especially hard. and new boyfriends - GOOD new boyfriends - might be the hardest of all. especially if you are steeped in feeling bad about yourself, lacking confidence, have spectacular expectations and don't know where to begin.

listen to us, and listen good: if we knew the answer to this question, neither of us would ever be single, ever again. but we are, at least sort of, sometimes.

the key to starting over is to somehow convince yourself that you are not. convince yourself that everything is fine, just the same as it has ever been and that you are happy as things are and all of a sudden, things will start falling into place. that's just always the way. obsess over wanting something to happen, it won't. forget you ever wanted it: voila! it's a game life likes to play on you, as a test - a stupid, shitty little test of your will. you can win.

if you're having trouble meeting people, might we make some suggestions: there are bars, of course, and we don't discourage meeting people in them. (we encourage it, in fact, but only because we really like booze) you could take a class, learn how to bake fancy pastries or silkscreen or tap dance. you could hang out in your local supermarket. you could buy yourself a new pet, a dog, maybe, and take it to the dog park, where you might run into attractive fellow owners of pets. you should spend time with your friends, in places you enjoy and feel comfortable, and try to remember what it's like to like yourself. it's easy for other people to like you when they can tell you're into yourself.

whatever you do, don't beat yourself up, take care of yourself, and remember that having boyfriends is pretty stupid, anyway.

***

q: i recently started seeing someone, and so far, it seems to be going really well. we enjoy spending time together, we don't get bored of each other, and we have enough differences to keep things interesting. although we haven't been dating for long (about a month), we both feel like it could be something serious and long-term. my question is, is there an "ideal" timeline for a relationship? how soon is too soon for relationship milestones like being exclusive, saying "i love you," or talking about things like moving in or getting married? or is it just what feels right to the people involved in the relationship? i'm worried that friends and family might think it was moving too fast and not be supportive of the relationship if they knew how we felt.

- never too soon

a: love is really weird, right?

the way it happens, the way it changes, the way you can't force to show up or go away and the way it makes life both incovenient and totally invigorating. it mystifies us. we think it should mystify everyone.

there isn't, and shouldn't be, an "ideal" timetable for love. as long as your brain is working in conjunction with your gut, follow that gut o' yours. it wants what it wants for a very good reason, even if you can't quite put your finger on what that reason is. let yourself fall in love with who you want, when you want, and regardless of what other people might think. do what will make you happy, as long as it's not totally stupid, and you will probably BE HAPPY. like magic.

let your friends have their opinions, but don't ever let their opinions stand in the way of your own.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-seven

2008-02-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

q: i was dating this guy on and off for like two and a half years. we had broken up many times in that period and got back together, usually him coming to me to get back together. so after our last breakup he was begging me to go back to him… in the end, i foolishly took him back. a few months go by and i'm feeling it's over - we have a fight where he puts his hands on me, apologizes, promises not to do it again, then like two days later DOES. i'm ready to end it right there, but he gives me a speech, "ooh, i love you so much i want to spend the rest of my life with you when you love someone like that it makes you do crazy things." i believed him, then found out 2 weeks later i was pregnant! i broke up with him cause he and his family tried to force me to get an abortion, and now he lies about helping me out with the baby, is hostile toward me AND SAYS THAT I WAS HARASSING HIM and in the relationship was telling people he didn't really want to be with me. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY MAN!

- billie jean

a: that is... a lot of drama. we do not deny that a bit of passion and melodrama can be rather thrilling in a relationship, and certain types of people pursue that drama more than others. we don't know you well enough to know how much you may have contributed to the cycle of drama (because it's never TOTALLY COMPLETELY one person's fault). however, there are some things that are objectively, absolutely, inarguably bad, and here are a few of them:

1. physical abuse
2. being pressured to abort a baby you want to keep
3. lying about the relationship (to you, to family, to people you know)

it sounds like you are completely fed up with this guy and his tricks, and have no interest in rekindling anything, and that's good, because at the very least, nobody should be in a relationship where they feel physically in danger.

as for WHY this guy does the things he does, it's hard to say. it sounds like he's not at all ready for either a committed relationship or fatherhood, and is making that painfully clear. if he's allowing his parents to make major life decisions for him and harass the mother of his child, he's probably pretty immature. and he most likely enjoys the drama on some level, too. trying to figure him out may be a lost cause, and you may never really understand his actions - instead, use that time to enjoy and lovingly raise your child, so that she will grow up to look for a nice, non-jerky, drama-free guy to settle down with.

***

q: i've been going out with the same guy for several years and have become really close to his family. we are on the same cell phone plan, and i have their house key. i've come consider his family to be like my own. however, recently, my boyfriend's father has been acting oddly around me. for christmas, he bought me a really skimpy dress. another time, i mentioned that my back hurt. he offered to massage my back. i accepted the offer, but he felt compelled to massage UNDER my shirt! then, he scolded me because i was "tensing up," warning that my back would never stop hurting if i did that.

i really like this man, but i don't like his behavior. it seems he should know how to behave around young women and even though i think he's being playful and would not actually hurt me, i imagine how it must look to others, and i just cringe. my boyfriend has seen his father's behavior because he doesn't bother to hide it, but has not said anything about it. what do i do?

- don't mess with incest

a: the bottom line is that this man's behavior is making you uncomfortable, and it should stop.

it doesn't matter if he really is just being playful, or is honestly concerned about your stress level, or just likes you as a person, if you feel he is disrespecting your boundaries, then he is. this is about you, your body, and what you feel comfortable with.

even if this guy wasn't creepy, and the bitches think he is, it wouldn't make a difference.

here's what we suggest: next time his father touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable or without your permission, yelp! really loudly! then exclaim "you scared me!" that should startle him enough to keep him away at least temporarily, and maybe embarrass him enough that he won't try it again.

also, you should definitely make this your boyfriend's problem and his job to find a long term solution to it. it is his father, after all, and you are his girlfriend. he knows the both of you better than you know each other, and should serve as the mediator in this and perhaps any future disputes. if he's not willing to say "that's fucking creepy, pops," or "hey, dad, it makes me uncomfortable when you buy my girlfriend skimpy dresses and rub her back," or "i know you don't mean anything by it, but it seems kind of strange that you're buying my girlfriend presents for no reason and offering her back rubs," then it seems to us he's hardly the kind of person who would protect you in more serious situations, which it's basically the boyfriend's job to do.

if your boyfriend can't man up, and his father can't stop acting like a creep, you should give them back their house key and find some new, better men to be your surrogate family.

***

my friends and i are in a predicament. we go to a small high school and have this friend who really annoys us because of her incessant need for attention, but there's no way to get rid of her. every time we try to confront her on the issue, she thinks we're kidding or being sarcastic. we've called her a whore, but she doesn't believe we mean it. no one at our school likes her, so we can't just make her be friends with someone else. what should we do?

-bitchy baby

a: if your 'friend' does not understand that you're being serious when you try to talk to her about how her need for attention is bothering you, you might need to bring it up more seriously. if in every conversation she ends up thinking you're just kidding with her or being saracastic, it probably has something to do with the tone in which you bring the subject up.

as with all conversations, if you're they're serious, you should stay focused on your serious issue. if you want to find a solution to this problem, joking around won't get you there, as it mostly leads to miscommunication or misunderstanding, as you'e experienced.

our question to YOU is: why does someone else's need for attention bother you so much that you're trying to pawn her off on to anyone else? since your criticism of this 'friend' of yours is almost wholly focused around boys (or, at least, that's how you phrased it in your question to us), do you think maybe it's the fact that she gets attention from boys that's bothering you, and that you might be jealous of her?

be honest with yourselves. there's no reason her flirting should be a problem for anyone, including her boyfriend, least of all her friends, so long as all she's doing is flirting. and do you know why? because there's nothing wrong with flirting. there's also nothing wrong with enjoying attention. there's also nothing wrong with seeking attention. attention is nice.

maybe the problem is that you'd like a little attention yourself.

and then there's still the little matter of this 'friend' of yours herself. in our opinion, she should drop your group of jealous crybabies who feel free to call her rude and demeaning names to her face, and find some friends who aren't threatened by her exhuberant and friendly nature. if she can't, and all she has left is you, then we're totally sorry, for her.

you and your other friends should do a little work on yourselves, and realize that girls being jealous of other girls rather than supportive is a problem that has plagued womankind negatively for generations, and that you should try to nip that nasty little habit in the bud before it turns you into a bunch of miserable old hags, who can't be happy for or truly friends with other women. you're well on your way if you keep it up!

***

q: "when you find a good one you hold on." how long does it take to realize/know you have found a good one? How long does it take for someone to trip your trigger/float your boat/give you butterflies/feel that "pop" (whatever you want to call it)? how long do you give someone that is good on paper? and really, is there anything wrong with a fine life? maybe not everyone is meant to lead an extraordinary life. my friend is struggling with a guy that she has been dating - he just doesn't "do it" for her, but in terms of his character, he is the epitome of what she has been looking for in another human being.

- holding out for that teenage feeling

a: it JUST SO HAPPENS that one of the bitches has some highly relevant experience in this very matter. this bitch met a guy who seemed, on paper, like a pretty good match: he was smart, wealthy, generous, attentive, up for anything, and, it goes without saying, totally into her. and yet... something was not right. they dated for a few months, and had fun together, but our bitch was just not swooning, the chemistry was simply not there. because there are so many jerks in the world, and this guy was a nice guy, the bitch ignored her baffled friends and her own lukewarm feelings, until finally she couldn't take it anymore and dumped the guy, as nicely as possible. she immediately felt incredible relief, and a few weeks later met someone who really did make her heart pound, and whom she would never have met if she hadn't dumped the first guy. the end.

everybody deserves to be with someone who makes them feel that way... AND who feels that way about them. has your friend thought about that? by sticking around in a relationship with a guy she feels meh about, not only is she denying herself that dizzy, sweaty-palms, head-explodingly intense feeling that's out there, but she's also condemning her guy to a blah, lukewarm relationship with a GF who doesn't really love him. and we promise you, he can sense that. it's not fair to her, it's not fair to him, and when the only thing keeping two people together is rationalization and fear of loneliness, it's probably time to end it anyway.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-six

2007-02-15T10:44:00.000-08:00

q: my husband of 10 years left me a couple of months ago, and though i'm upset, i've been getting better. at any rate, i didn't go out at all until this past weekend, when my best friend convinced me to go to her brother's birthday party. long story short, i ended up having sex with her 20-year-old nephew (i'm about ten years older than that). i feel guilty in so many ways, and i'm scared to tell my friend. the worst part is, i like the kid a lot, even though i know it's got to be wrong. and he's totally smitten with me (although he probably has never used the word " smitten" in his short, short life).

please help - just tell me i'm awful and i can't see him again.

---i just slept with my best friend's nephew!

a: it's completely understandable that you're upset after your husband of ten years leaving you, and it's also completely understandable that following the immediate mourning period, you went out and did something ridiculous, indicating that you are probably still mourning the end of your previous relationship and not sure what to do with yourself now.

though to be honest, we don't really think that having post-divorce sex with someone ten years your junior is necessarily a bad thing (assuming it's all well and good and legal, okay?), even if said ten year junior is your best friend's nephew.

not bad, just probably weird, given the best friend/nephew thing.

we can tell it's not your thing, though, which is why we decided to call it ridiculous. and which is why you're not allowed to do it again, and why you have to make sure nephew knows it's not going to be happening again. don't waste time feeling regretful or worrying what your friend will think, because none of that will help. everything about this situation will resolve itself: the nephew (who's a consenting adult, remember, who made his own decision to have sex with you!) will get over being smitten, as most twenty year olds will, and your best friend, because she's your best friend, will forgive you and be understanding.

what you need to do now is worry about yourself, and how you're handling this divorce and abandonment. if you're not making good decisions for yourself, it's because you need more time to process what's happened to you, and likely some more support from your friends, or perhaps even from a professional therapist or a support group for women in your situation. take some time to peruse the internet or a phone book, and you will find lots of options for women in your area, wherever it is.

above all, remember that this is about you. not your nephew. not your best friend. not your ex-husband. you. take care of that person.

***

q: i've known this boy for about 5 months, and i'm really falling for him. i consider him my best friend, but when we hang out, he asks me for money frequently and sometimes i feel a little used. he is so amazing to be with, nice, funny, outgoing, and beautiful. and when he asks for money i give it to him because i would do anything for him as a friend. i don't want him to think I'm selfish or greedy, but i can't afford to give him all of my money just because he's my friend, and i hate feeling used!

---so am i really being used?

a: the bitches have a general rule of thumb regarding situations like this: if you feel like you're being used, you're probably being used.

relationships, partnerships, friendships: all of these function well only if both parties are in it equally. this applies to level of time and effort applied to said relationship, and well as financially.

which isn't to say that there aren't good healthy functional wonderful relationships where one partner doesn't support the other one financially, or where one of them does more work in one area than the other does. of course that can be the case! (and probably is more often than not, really.) what we're saying is that, if someone is supporting you financially, you sure as shit have to be giving something back to get them to stay. otherwise, they're just suckers.

in this case, we don't mean to be harsh but, well, you're the sucker.

your friends will ask you for money (as they will ask you for all manner of things), and you will give it to them. they will do this only when they need it, because people who are really your friends are not apt to take advantage of you. later on, you will need to ask them for something, and they will provide. that's what friends are for.

it sounds like this boy is just manipulating the situation, taking advantage of you, and getting away with it. the best the bitches can advise is to ask him to pay you back, and then get rid of him.

***

q: my friend is having a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. they're a cute couple, but they do not plan anything over the weekends or after school. i try to help them make plans, but apparently my friend thinks that i'm still in love with my ex. what should i do?

---party of three

a: ah, the my-friend-is-dating-my-ex triangle – how we love it! we're guessing you do, too. or not.

dating a friend's ex is fraught with peril, so much so that we recommend avoiding it, if at all possible. there are jealousy issues, betrayal issues, rivalry issues, all of which are likely to pull at the bonds between the three of you, and none of which are fun. and, really, there are so many boys out there in the world that it shouldn't be THAT difficult to find a fresh one. it's not like we're trying to repopulate the world post-apocalypse or something, in which case, yes, different rules would apply.

we're guessing that, on some level, you're unhappy with this situation – maybe not even consciously. and so you're trying really hard to show them how TOTALLY 100% OKAY you are with it, to the point where it's interfering with their relationship and making everyone uncomfortable. so what do you do now?

first, be honest with yourself. ARE you completely over your ex? it's fine if you're not, but if that's the case, you owe it to yourself to create some distance so you can finish getting over him and move on. then tell your friend, "listen, i thought i was cool with you dating my ex, but it's turning out to be difficult for me to see you two together. if you're happy with him, i'm happy for you, but i hope you'll understand why i can't hang around with you as much for a while." then she (we're assuming you and your friend are girls) will do one of two things: either she will say, "OMG, i had no idea it was bothering you so much! forget him, he's not worth losing your friendship over." or she will say, "thank you for your honesty – he's really special to me and i'm so glad you are generous enough to wish us the best. i certainly understand why you need some time, and i hope you will hang out with us again when you're ready."

try not to be too upset if it's option #2 (or a less polite version of #2). we can't choose who we fall for, and it doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend. but no matter how your friend reacts, the fact remains that your relationship with your ex is over, and trying to meddle – even benevolently – in THEIR relationship is just prolonging the pain for you. give yourself some space to get over him, and know that you will eventually find the guy who is right for you (and hopefully he won't be a friend's ex).

***

q: i recently started dating a guy who begged me twice to let him go down on me- i declined because i didn't want to move that fast. the last time we were together he did, but just for a second. obviously something was wrong. i felt rejected, frustrated, and annoyed. i had just showered and have no weird discharge or smell, or anything odd going on down there. he said it tasted strong. i have never had any complaints about this, only compliments. this is a huge problem to me because i love oral sex. not getting it puts a major damper on the sexual experience. we haven't even had intercourse yet (and i really don't want to until this is straightened out because i know i'll be frustrated). what can i do? - QUICK! thanks for your help.

---who's on third?

a: ahhh, guys today don't know how good they have it. imagine if we were in medieval times, when bathing once a year was considered reckless excess! on second thought…don't.

we bitches fully understand and support your desire for oral sex as part of your normal sexual repertoire, and we agree that you need to straighten this out with your new man. while some ladies do have a stronger, shall we say, musk than others, if you're in good health down there and shower daily, then any odors should be minimal. of course, "strong" is also a subjective concept, so you and he may have different standards there.

but anyway, it's kind of a "love me, love my loins" situation, so let's talk solutions. we are sure that you know that what you eat affects your personal scent, so try avoiding meat and junk food on date nights, and see if that changes things. it's also possible that your bf, despite his commendable enthusiasm, doesn't have a lot of experience with the range of variations in the female body, and doesn't realize that your muskiness is completely normal. in which case, try to be patient with him, while gently encouraging him, praising him, telling him how much you enjoy it, etc., and eventually he will come around.

and if he doesn't, you are completely entitled to kick him and his hyperactive gag reflex to the curb, and find yourself a guy who appreciates you AND your body! no one should have to be with someone who judges them or makes them feel ashamed of their bodies, so if he truly can't handle the realities of the female body, maybe he doesn't deserve to be having sex.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-five (the triumphant return!)

2006-10-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch is back - finally! and possibly on a regular basis, starting... now! your humble bitches, irene and steph have been, well, sorta busy for the last couple of months. in any case, steph was busy, relocating to the rainy northwest and getting settled there. so irene enlisted the help of julia (sober version), who so long ago graciously offered to be a guest bitch any time we needed it, and well, we needed it. so thanks to julia, our very favorite guest bitch ever. and without further ado: volume twenty-five!

***
q: i am having a problem accepting my boyfriend's porn habit and

wonder if i am being unreasonable and childish. when we first
started going out over a year ago, he was into daily hardcore porn and masturbation. that caused problems because he would rather masturbate to his porn than be with me. now he has gotten rid of all of his magazines at my request and shares most of his masturbation 'sessions' with me and i do not put any pressure on him at that time to please me, it is just about taking care of him, which is fine. i'm just glad he doesn't exclude me anymore.

apparently now he looks at upskirt pictures all the time. and naked
celebrities. when i ask him, he is 'usually' honest with me, but hides
it otherwise. even so, when i ask, he's not always honest. i know this because I go through his computer. it's very hard for me to trust him.

i want him to quit looking at the pictures all together. just last
night he said he would if it meant that much to me but today he's
already been looking (and no, he doesn't know i know that.) i feel
like if he loves me and is in a committed loving relationship, he
shouldn't feel the need for that. but he says what he looks at and
does on his own time is none of my business. our relationship is about to end because of this. it seems like he has some sort of sick
perversion. he says he has been nothing but honest with me and i have used it against him. i like being nasty and perverted, but with him, not alone or as a peeping tom.

---please help!

a: you know, at first, we were gonna be all like, "hello? everyone
masturbates! girl needs to get herself a Rabbit, stat!" it's true that
most people masturbate, even (or especially) when they're in committed relationships. it is totally unreasonable to expect someone to involve you in every one of his masturbatory sessions. come on, everyone needs a little alone time. seriously, please, get yourself a Rabbit, and spend some time with yourself, and you'll understand why masturbation is so important to him.

but we really don't think either of your masturbation habits are the
problem here. seriously, once a day porn'n'masturbation doesn't sound like that big of a problem to us. and it's understandable that he would attempt to hide at least some of his habit from you since
there's definitely something of a cultural taboo against porn, and he
knows that it will just make you mad at him. again. clearly, he is
trying to work with you on this; he has cut WAY back, and it's still
not enough for you. relationships are all about communication and
compromise, and he's been communicating and compromising. so what gives?

you really need to figure out why you *actually* have a problem with him looking at porn. we think the real problem here comes from your huge, ginormous trust issues. (you're giving girlfriends everywhere a bad name!! snooping around someone else's computer is never cool!) it seems to us that you view anything sexual that your BF does without you as cheating on you, regardless of whether anyone else is actually involved. he's not thinking about you every time he jacks off. so what? if he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, he wouldn't be in a relationship with you. unless he's some kind of masochist. which it sort of sounds like he is if he's staying with a girl who won't even let him jack off in peace.

bottom line: if you're not happy, get out. you should never see a boy as a fixer-upper. if he has some habit that irks you and it's all you can think about, don't assume that you can change him. if his porn habit is really a dealbreaker for you, leave the poor boy alone, and find a guy willing to use you as his only sexual outlet. and be
prepared to have sex approximately once every 20 minutes. but then you won't have much time for your Rabbit.

***
q: my fiancée loves to be held down or tied down during sex and i am happy to oblige but don't know anything about knots or bondage techniques. we've just been making it up as we go along. where can i learn more about how to properly tie her up? and where can i buy a few special pieces of equipment?

---knot knowledgeable about knots

a: first of all, we'd like to commend you for being willing to cater
to your fiance's sexual needs and wants. yay! making it up as you go along is great; creativity in the bedroom is totally important, as is being sexually open-minded. way to go!

second, and here's where we stop patting you on the back and get
bitchy, have you heard of this little thing called "the internet"?
come on, man! get with the times! we swear, Google is a really, really helpful tool in finding information about this sort of thing. or any sort of thing, really. jeez. ok, fine, we'll do it for you. the first
thing that popped up when we googled "bondage how to" was this very helpful website: http://www.bedroombondage.com/bondageu (actually, we were surprised that we didn't have to wade through more porn! way to go, Google!) and if you want to purchase bondage toys, we'd recommend checking out goodvibes.com (specifically http://www.goodvibes.com/ItemList--Bondage-Toys--m-2_12.html). and if you're looking for technique, why not check out some bondage porn? we're sure Good Vibes has a great selection of that too.

(by the way, that little search took us approximately two minutes. two minutes that we'll never get back.)

***

q: okay, so my husband of a few years tells me the other night that he wants to buy some dildos so that I can use one on him. he then suggests that if this goes well, he wants me to fuck him with a strap on. this is the first time he has mentioned an interest in this, or anything that might be considered remotely gay (no gay porn, nothing!), but now that he has mentioned it, I keep wondering about his persuasion. is it possible that he might be gay or even bi? he tells me no when i ask but clearly, he would have his own reasons not to want to admit that to me. i know all about the prostate pleasure and have no problem with sex that's 'out of the ordinary' i just want to know if this is common for straight men.

---i really hope he's not gay

a: first of all, we want you to look at your husband and thank your lucky stars you got one so honest and trusting that he's willing to share something so intimate with you, despite the fact that you're not trusting enough to accept what he tells you at face value.

we kid, sort of.

seriously, you should be glad you have such an honest and trusting husband. we're not going to sound like bitter bitches and say something about how "they're few and far between," but we will say that when you've got one, keep it. honesty & communication are things to be prized in a relationship above all else, even if it makes things a little weird sometimes.

it is, however, understandable that you have your doubts about what this means about your husband. you're wondering if he's gay, we know it. let us put your doubting mind to rest: just because someone wants to take it up the butt does not make them gay. likewise, just because someone does not like to take it up the butt does not make them straight.

if your husband is telling you when you ask that no, he is not gay, you should believe him. after all, he came to you with this, seems to be open to communicate about it, and you haven't found gay porn hidden in between the mattresses, have you? if this request is the only thing making you doubt your husband's sexuality, do everything to squash it, we tend to think he's into women, and really, specifically, into you.

as for whether it's common for straight men, who knows, it's more than we're willing to research. but we'll hazard a guess that more often than you'd think, straight men take it up the ass.

***

my fiancé and i have a very active sex life, have excellent communication and are both always ready to try new things. one of his fantasies is for me to piss on him. i have never dated anyone who was in to this kind of thing, and to be honest, i had never really thought of pee as a turn-on. i have been searching for information on how (and where) to do this. we tried it once, but i just couldn't go! however, that was fairly early on in our relationship. i know that this is one of his biggest fantasies, and i really want to do it for (with) him. do you have any advice and do you know of any practical websites?

--- goldilocks

a: we think it's only fair to note here that we are only bitches. we're not actually qualified to answer your questions or offer advice in any way whatsoever except that we know you want us to. in fact, sometimes we think we might be more qualified to keep our mouths shut than answer your questions.

still, you persist in asking us about golden showers.

we can respect a fetish (in this case, one whose name is really "urolagnia"), and we can respect that you want to indulge in a little watersports for the man you're about to marry. if not you, who will? you're both to be congratulated on that honest, communicative, happy relationship, and commend you for making it past the "will you pee on me?" stage. many couples don't.

still, we can't actually claim to know what we're talking about if we start talking about golden showers. they sound like fun and all, but... we do know that it's safe, generally speaking, as long as there are no infections or disease present. in such cases, practice cautiously. we also know that some people who practice it are careful about what they eat or drink beforehand (lots of water, not so much asparagus) in order to dilute the content and smell of the urine. we also know that it can be messy, so some set up/forethought might be required it's best done somewhere easy to clean, or on things you don't mind throwing away. we're no experts, but a big enough shower or bath might be a good place, or, if that's not an option, plastic sheets can be bought to suit the size of your bed, or the area you want to use. should accidents happen (on places they aren't supposed to), pee doesn't stain, and there are plenty of products that will get those stains right out.

as for your mental block on the actual peeing, practice, practice, practice. work up to peeing on him by peeing near him, with the bathroom door open, while he's in the bathroom, and so on. and then, drink up, of course, so that when the time comes, you'll have no choice but to go. and we mean GO.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-four

2006-08-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

q: i have a coworker that i considered myself friends with - we would go out to lunch, and even sometimes hang out together after work. however, i've noticed some things that really bug me. one day i wasn't feeling well in the morning, but came to work later in the day. when i was talking to my supervisor, she walked by and said something like "so-and-so wasn't really sick this morning - ha!" i think she also stole some of my food out of the office fridge without asking. if she had asked, i wouldn't mind sharing, but my food mysteriously disappeared right after she asked me if it was mine in the fridge. i want to say something, but don't want to be too bitchy, since she is one of my work "friends." please help - work has already been stressful enough without having to deal with bitches in the office!

- we can work it out

a: unfortunately, offices are a bit like families, in all the bad ways: you're stuck spending more time than you'd like with a group of people you didn't choose to be with, and you're bound to not get along with some of them. since you can't get rid of them, you have to find some way to deal with them, if only to keep from going crazy.

however, this "friend" of yours sounds like no friend at all. she makes passive-aggressive comments to your supervisor, implying that you're dishonest and trying to get you in trouble. she even steals your food, for pete's sake! she doesn't treat you like a friend, so you really don't owe her anything besides the common courtesy due to any coworker (even though she's not giving you that).

as far as your food, try clearly labeling it with your name, and/or hiding it in an opaque container like a stapled paper bag. then hide it behind everyone else's. the more effort she has to go through to get it, the less likely it is that she'll take it. if it continues, try shaming her with a department-wide memo about office fridge use.

with regard to her annoying comments to your boss, hopefully your boss can also see what kind of person your "friend" is, and consider the source. if your boss is fair, he/she won't believe your "friend." and if your boss DOES bust you for a legitimate sick day on the grounds of a bitchy coworker's false statement, get the hell out of that office already and find a job that doesn't suck!

***

q: i've been with my boyfriend for three months now. in that time, the closest we've been is him putting his arm around my shoulder, and my guy friends do the same to me all the time. obviously we aren't that close, and that we might as well just be friends. it doesn't help that he won't tell me he loves in person, but he'll do it online.

i want us to be closer physically and to just be a better couple, more than just friendly.

i haven't told him this yet, so he doesn't know i feel this way. i want to tell him but i have no clue what to say... any advice?

- so close, and yet so far

a: the important thing to remember (and we remember it because we're always repeating it!) is that if anything is going to change/grow/happen in a relationship, then there has to be some kind of communication. if there's not, and you're not doing anything about it, well then... it's not exactly fair to complain about the problems you have because of that lack o' communication.

if you feel like you're moving too slow, if you want to be closer physically, if you want to be closer as a couple in general, then you're going to have to get to talkin', lady! no relationship can progress without a little of that now and then.

how you should tell him what you're feeling is entirely up to you, however. we're guessing it'd be best to broach the subject lightly, as it seems like he's shy and might be a little embarrassed by it coming up. we don't doubt that he's into you, and we don't doubt that he probably feels much the same way you do, but it's likely that he's never done this before and doesn't know what he's doing. sometimes doing something new is scary, and he might just be thinking he's rather wait for you to take control of this situation than make a wrong move. that's silly of him, of course,

you make that first move, toward the conversation and the kissing, and something will happen. we promise.

***

i have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. for the first few months of our relationship, we were dating casually, with the option of seeing other people. it progressed and we decided to see each other exclusively. another few months went by and with pressing from me, he agreed we could give up 'dating' and just be boyfriend and girlfriend.

months of keeping my emotions hidden, remaining vulnerable, and thinking i couldn't bring up my feelings have left me feeling a little insecure about where i stand with him.

a few days ago i planned a special date for us. part of it happened to be a concert. at one point while watching the show, we got separated by the crowd. instead of making his way back to me, he got into a conversation with a girl who was obviously flirting with him - i could see the whole thing. they spoke for severeal minutes and by the time he made his way back to me, he knew where she was from, where she went to school, what for, etc! of course i was upset - i thought it was incredibly rude. he says it was a simple conversation, nothing happened, and that he came back to me within a good amount of time. we had a fight about it.

who's right?

- rock out with your cock out

a: we know that you know that just because your bf has a conversation with a random girl, it doesn't mean he's automatically a cheating cad. we've said it before and we'll say it again – trust is essential to a healthy relationship. furthermore, you can't be around him 24 hours a day, so you have to be able to trust that he'll behave like a guy in a committed relationship even when you're not there.

however. it IS super-annoying when we go out of our way to plan something special and the guy doesn't seem to appreciate it. you were expecting a romantic, meaningful night where you two would be wrapped up in each other, and he ruined the mood by chatting up some ho bag who was eyeing him. we understand why his little chat soured the night for you, and why you were pissed. and yet – he has a point. it was a simple conversation, nothing happened, and he came back to you within a few minutes. is it possible that you're overreacting a little bit, based on your history? it's okay if you are, as long as you're aware of it and don't let it control you.

it's no fun to play the are-we-or-aren't-we dating game, or to feel insecure and unsure of the other person's feelings. but you are now in an exclusive, bf/gf relationship with your guy, regardless of how you got there. so now you must decide: do you feel comfortable and secure with him? do you trust that his affection and respect for you will prevail over the temptations of slutty ho bags? if the answer is "yes," then give him the benefit of the doubt for being clueless – but not adulterous – and indulge in some mind-blowing make-up sex that will erase all memories of flirty concert ho's. if the answer is "no," then you might want to think long and hard about whether this is a relationship you can be happy in.

***

q: is there any polite way to tell a friend that the clothes she wears are unsuitable for her? she is a size 24. over the years she has put on about 130 pounds but still dresses as if she were a sylph. sometimes the clothes are so tight you can see the cellulite underneath. it's made worse because mutual friends keep telling me how horrid she looks and asking me "why don't i talk to her?" i don't want to hurt her feelings, but i don't want her to be the laughingstock, either. what do you advise?

- she's just not skinny anymore

a: we don't envy your situation. at all.

you're stuck between a rock a hard place and either way, you're going to end up feeling like an asshole. if that's the case, you might as well feel like an asshole for trying to help your friend, instead of just feeling like an asshole because you know she's become an object of ridicule.

obviously, you're going to have to handle this with kid gloves on, because as much as might be more precise to tell your friend 'hey, you're fat. time for some new clothes!' that's probably not going to work in the best interests of your friendship, which we assume you'd like to continue. if that's the case, then under no circumstances should your friend's weight be ANY point of the discussion you have with her - only her unfortunate clothing choices.

if you're really serious about getting your point across, sit your friend down and tell her, blankly, seriously, that her clothes seem a little bit inappropriate. maybe you could say 'not flattering.' maybe you could lie, and just tell her they're not in style, or maybe just not 'her' style. if she gets upset, asks you to expound, simply tell her you think she'd look much better in A or B! mention you saw a dress she'd look really good in at someplace that's NOT for large ladies. say you'd love to go shopping with her! (if you want to weenie out of telling her anything at all, you could set up a shopping date and advise her on flattering choices, without mentioning that the clothes she wears now just don't look good.) perhaps you have a catalog on hand? or maybe you even went out and bought her something cute, that will look good and flattering. that was sweet of you, and she'll appreciate it.

yeah, you'll have to do some research or spend some money or tell a few white lies, but that's what friends are for. sometimes.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-three

2006-07-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

q: i always give a lot to my relationships, my husband, family members, and friends. i am starting to resent this because i don't get much back. i hardly ever get what i really want. what should i do?

- i give and i give

a: well, without specific examples, it's hard to know exactly what you mean. is it that you find yourself doing all the work to keep the relationship alive (i.e., it's always you who calls or plans events)? is it that you refuse to express a preference, and then end up doing what other people want? is it that you're always slaving away thanklessly in the background, cooking and cleaning and running errands, and you don't feel you get much recognition? or perhaps a combination of all those?

shockingly, it turns out that most people are not psychic, and so – especially in the case of men – they are often unaware of what is going on in your head. which means you have to tell them in order for them to know. only then can you blame them for being thoughtless ass-faces if they refuse to do what you want.

so if you are feeling ill-treated, now is the time to start setting some boundaries. tell your husband, "you know, i really can't pick up your dry cleaning today, why don't you do it after work?" tell your sister, "i'm sorry, but if you want me to babysit your kids three days a week, we need to make arrangements for you to watch mine sometimes too." tell your friends, "actually, i really don't care for italian food – why don't we try this new thai place?" just making your preferences known feels good, and you may also be pleasantly surprised by how easily people will go along with your wishes, if you simply tell them.

of course, if you start communicating your wants and needs and your friends and family ignore them, then you have a different problem, and you'll have to become more assertive about standing up for yourself. but for now, try expressing your needs and wants to your loved ones and see what happens. it's better than bottling up your desires and then resenting others for not magically guessing them.

***

q: i'm a junior in high school. i've known my ex-boyfriend for three years and we dated from when i was a freshman until a few months ago. w hen we broke-up he started going with another girl and they started having sex soon after, but i didn't know that. t hey broke up, and we got back together. we did "it" a couple times, but i didn't like it, so we stopped. i found out that she was pregnant while we were back together. i wouldn't have cared if i didn't love him so much, but it has been very hard for me to cope. i loved him so much that when i looked into his eyes, i felt like crying. my virginity meant so much to me.

it seems like he thinks that the whole pregnancy with his ex-girlfriend shouldn't affect our relationship, and we should still be able to go together. i don't feel comfortable with that, but i don't want to end it with him. we did have sex, and he means a lot to me.

i don't know how to handle the situation without hurting the other girl's feelings, but if i have to, i will! i don't mean to sound burdensome, but friends just don't understand everything, you know?

- not the baby's mama

a: this is a complicated situation and you're what, seventeen maybe, making it even more complicated. there are practical matters to be addressed and matters of the heart, which are hard to address reasonably as it is, but even more so when the person asking for advice only wants to hear something good. as we're sure you do.

the truth is, the only way this is going to end up is badly. we know, as if it weren't bad enough already - your boyfriend knocked up some girl without you knowing and then took your virginity. that's pretty bad.

we have to discuss some things with you, though.

first, did you scurry your little butt right down to the nearest free clinic and get tested? not to make things worse than they already are, but if your ex-bf/bf is getting other girls pregnant it means he's not using protection and if he's taking your virginity we're not so sure you're using protection so go! now! maybe what you really care about right now is what to do about that bitch and her baby but trust us, you won't care about that forever, whereas you will care forever if the ex-bf/bf gave you one of those gifts that keeps on giving... like herpes. we can't be more firm on this point.

next, and almost equally important, get rid of this guy. it'll be bad enough now, since you care about him and all, but it'll be worse in two months, when he sleeps with some other girl, or in three years, when you wake up to what a shitbag he is and realize you've wasted years on him, instead of months. honestly, you can do better than to tie yourself to someone like this.

last, next time you get involved with someone, remember this situation and that what you deserve is light years ahead of this. don't settle for someone who can't even take responsibilty for the messes they've made.

***

q: i have been good friends with a girl for about five years. i started to have feelings for her about a year ago, and never had the courage to tell her because i thought it might ruin our friendship.

about four months ago, i told her about my feelings towards her and how i have liked her for some time. the problem is that she has been going out with another guy for about seven months. she and i began to see each other a lot and she started to fall for me also. she says she loves me but she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend because she is "afraid."

what should i do? try to wait things out, or forget about her?

- best friends 4-ever

a: hang on a sec, we think we might have a letter from your BFF in our mailbag! yes, here it is: "i have been dating this guy for a while but suddenly i realized that i'm also attracted to my best guy friend! should i stay with my boyfriend or see where things go with my friend?" oh, and look, we have FIVE HUNDRED MILLION more letters exactly like it!

in other words… we've seen this story before.

yes, you probably should have told her about your feelings when she was still morally free to do something about them. instead, you dropped your bomb when she was dating someone else, and now you are both cheating cheaters – emotionally, if not also physically.

you know as well as we do that this situation can't continue indefinitely. as her close friend, you deserve better treatment – and so does her clueless BF. tell her that this sneaking around isn't working for you, and she needs to choose once and for all. true, you run the risk of her not choosing you – but at this point it's far too late to go back to being "just friends" anyway, so you don't have much to lose.

oh, and next time, don't wait until the object of your affections is taken (by someone who DID have the balls to admit his feelings!) before pouring your heart out. that's just selfish and cowardly.

***
q: i work in an office where the men are constantly forwarding each other extremely graphic emails featuring naked women performing various sex acts. to be fair, they do not send them to me (though i have seen one or two), but they do discuss these e-mails in front of me, laughing when i get upset.

i'm not trying to be uptight, and i have joked around with the guys in the past. if i want them to stop discussing these things around me, do i have to completely abandon my sense of humor and basically threaten them with harassment charges? it's a small office and we've worked together for years. i just find myself growing less tolerant of these things.

- feminazi

a: we don't know of any office where it would be appropriate to forward 'graphic emails featuring naked women performing various sex acts' (we think that's called porn, too, for the record) and then joke about it. at least not in the open, and certainly not in front of someone who is obviously uncomfortable about it. we're sure human resources would have a field day with this.

you are within your rights (and reasonably so!) to insist that your coworkers stop this, especially in your presence. you're also within your rights to go right up the ladder of people in charge about it until they do stop. a sexual harrassment complaint might not be what you want to do, but it may end up being what you have to do to make your point.

and what's your point, dear? no, no, it's not that you don't have a sense of humor, it's that work is no place for porn (unless, of course, you're a porn star or you edit some kind of pornographic website or... you get our point) and you expect the people you work with to be respectful of that. it isn't about you, your sense of humor, or even the porn, it's about work being work, and not a bar or a bathroom.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-two

2006-06-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

q: i've thrown away some things that were my wife's, and she's finally noticed they are missing. i threw them away because they were gifts given to her by men she had cheated on me with, once when we were dating and once after we were married. i couldn't stand these gifts in our house, so i threw them out.
now, months later, she has just noticed they are gone and has confronted
me about them. she thinks she should be allowed to display those gifts.
i'm stunned that she would actually think this would be acceptable in
our home. none were of anything but sentimental value, the thought of
which makes my stomach turn.

- for better or for worse

a: hmmm, so your wife is pissed off because you wouldn't let her display souvenirs of her past infidelities in the home you share? well, that doesn't sound like too much for her to ask. why must you be so unreasonable?

kidding! we're just kidding. we're totally on your side here. cheating on your partner is incredibly damaging, and often fatal, to a relationship. some people, when they discover that their partner has been stepping out, don't even want to try to fix the damage, and we can't say we blame them. you, however, opted to stick it out and try to work on your relationship – twice. that can't be easy, and we commend you.

but are you sure she really wants this marriage to work? she's cheated on you twice now, in affairs that lasted long enough to involve gifts from her lovers (i.e., not a drunken one-night stand at the company Xmas party). and she doesn't seem particularly sorry about it, nor is she in any hurry to get rid of those reminders of her adultery. maybe she's really torn up about it, and is trying to atone by forcing herself to look at the wages of her sin and feel the guilt and shame all over again. but probably not.

she's done it twice, she'll do it again. paint a red "A" on her chest and kick her to the curb. then find yourself a nice girl who won't trade her virtue for shiny baubles.

***

q: my best friend has been dating this guy for about three years. at the very beginning of their relationship, he and i spent an evening together. we almost ended up in bed but we both realized in time that it wasn't the right thing to do.

i never told my friend about this little moment, and now they are happy and in love. they are planning their wedding for this autumn. i feel that this past event is keeping me from being completely open with her. it was a long time ago and i don't even know if it would really matter to her now, but i can't stop thinking about it.

i don't want to ruin her relationship or our friendship. should I tell her?

- i've got a secret

a: something about your question strikes us as a teensy bit suspicious. if you never told your friend about the incident with her fiancé all this time, believing it to be best to keep quiet, why do you suddenly feel the urge to tell now? it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that she's getting married, and the prospect of stirring up some pre-wedding drama, now would it?

yeah, that's what we thought. okay, so years ago, you fooled around a little with her then-bf, but luckily had the smarts to realize what a bad idea that would be, and stopped. it doesn't sound like it's been an issue since then, or that things are awkward between you and her now-fiance. so what could you possibly have to gain from telling your dirty little secret now, except unburdening your guilt at the expense of making her miserable and possibly throwing a wrench into their relationship?

the best thing you can do for her now is to keep your mouth shut. that discomfort and guilt you're feeling? that's a little thing we like to call "the consequences of your actions." you'll just have to endure it, and never, ever mention it to her, however drunk you get at the bachelorette party or any other time for the rest of your life.

oh, and if this is actually about you feeling jealous of them and/or being romantically interested in her soon-to-be-husband, you need to be honest with yourself about that. and, once the wedding is over, start slowly and gracefully distancing yourself from them, because your unrequited feelings (and they ARE unrequited, seeing as he's marrying her and not you) will only lead to trouble for everyone.

***

q: m y best friend's husband is cheating on her with a neighbor of mine. i see him with her often during the weekday. my friend is a wonderful person and has wonderful children with this man, so i hesitate to rock the boat. should i tell her? should i send her an anonymous letter? i would hate to be the one to break my friend's heart.

- the messenger

a: first of all, no matter what you decide to do, you're not the one who's going to break your friend's heart. that would be her cheatin' husband, so rest a little easier.

it's always risky to be the bearer of bad news. risky in that it puts you in the middle of a situation that really has nothing to do with you and risky in that it puts you at risk for your friend to end up hating you. no matter how many times we're told "not to shoot the messenger," that hardly stops us from doing it when they bring bad news. not only might your friend resent you for telling her this information, she might also resent you for taking your sweet time to do it as well.

not to mention, oh man, what if you're wrong about him cheating? or what if they secretly have an open relationship that she's neglected to tell you about? we don't think either of those things is likely, but still. we're just watchin' your ass for ya!

perhaps the best bet is for you to confront her scoundrel of a husband with the facts as you know them. let him know what you know, and that you're going to tell him. give the jerkwad the option of fessin' up before you do, and he likely will. this will get the job done and save you from being the messenger.

are we gonna get shit for not advising you to go straight to your friend with this? yeah, probably. of course, that's not what we're doing... entirely. if her husband refuses to come clean, then it is your best friendly duty, regardless of repercussions, to be responsible and tell her what you know. ready her for it, break it to her gently, and then give her only the facts. tell her you've seen your husband on occasion with your neighbor and where. tell her how often, tell her if you've seen them being touchy-feeling, but avoid speculation. if you've seen them together but not, you know, doin' it, don't tell her that's what you think is going on (unless, of course, she asks). let her draw her own conclusions from what you tell her and let her deal with her husband on her own.

telling it like it is and getting in the middle of a shitstorm are two different things. we advise you avoid the latter.

***

q: i am 21 and have been going out with my boyfriend for about two years. just last month I found out he was cheating on me, so we broke up for about a week. after that i caught him over at her house. when i asked about it, he said he was over there to pick up something, which i don't believe.

so now we have broken up again, but i really love him and want to be back with him. i just can't find it in myself to do it. we've talked about it, and he said he wanted to be with me, but i'm so scared he's going to do it again.

- please help me!

a: you did the right thing breaking up with your boyfriend when he cheated on you. you did a nice, sweet thing by allowing him a second chance (we're not advocates of throwing everyone to the curb the minute they make a mistake - we know that sometimes people make mistakes!). but then you did the right thing breaking up with him when you suspected that he wasn't taking his second chance seriously.

this time you need to stay broken up with him.

he's a cheater. that old "once a cheater, always a cheater" business might not always hold water, but "twice a cheater, are you kidding me?" holds a little more. not only has he had a chance with you, he's had two of them, and blown both. the odds are against him that he's not likely to do well given another.

you can do better, we're sure. you're young, sweet, smart... so it's not even important that you do better right away. take this time for yourself, to hang out with your friends, meet people, do new stuff! and sooner (or later) you'll realize how much better off you are without a cheating louse for a boyfriend. you'll also probably meet someone who knows how to keep it in his (or your) pants, no problem. most guys aren't terrible, after all. you'll find your sanity improves, your level of stress decreases and your all around cheerfulness is much greater when you don't have the worry of "where is he now and who is he with???"

a cheating spouse/bf/partner/whatever isn't worth the emotional effort to keep up. if there are expected, mutually agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship ( i.e., you don't have an "open" one and your partner expects you not to sleep with anyone else), it's only fair to stick to those, at least as long as you're in said relationship. if you don't like those boundaries, find a different partner who won't expect you to keep it in your pants unreasonably.

ask a bitch: volume twenty-one

2006-06-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

***

q: my girlfriend and I have been together for only two months, and she told me that she is pregnant. i've seen the test, and i've already been to one doctor's appointment, so i don't doubt the pregnancy. however, i do doubt that it was by accident.

here's why: when she and i first started having sex, she told me she was on the pill, and that it only took a few days to start working. i was told later that it really took about a month. i've never seen her take one, nor have i seen the case, and she has stayed the night with me dozens of times. it seems like as soon as we started dating, she has been over at my place, staying the night or just hanging out not wanting to go home, even before "we" realized she was pregnant.

also, i know for a fact that she has been pregnant at least once before. she ended up having a miscarriage after the guy she was with told her that he wanted nothing to do with her. this was just a few weeks before we started dating.

i feel like i've been trapped by her because she really wants to get out of her parents' house. she tell me that she loves me all the time, calls me constantly and is over here every second she has. i don't know how it is possible to love someone as much as she says she loves me after only a couple months.
i don't really love her. i hardly know her, and i don't really think i want to be with her. but, if it all ends up with her having the baby, of course, i'll be there for my child.

do you think she did it on purpose?

- caught

a: do we think she did it on purpose?

well...

did you have sex with this girl? did you have sex with her before you really knew her, and without using your on birth control, and knowing that she had been pregnant before? well, dude, then it's your fault, and you can't really blame this girl.

it doesn't really matter whether or not she "tried" to trap you (whether or not she did is definitely still up for discussion) because in the end, you were irresponsible. and when it comes down to it, that's nobody else's fault but your own. so what can you do but learn some lessons, and hopefully apply them in future situations.

maybe, someday, whether or not you have a baby to take care of (since you didn't ask us for advice about what to do about the actual pregnancy, we'll refrain from offering it), you'll remember that babies are a possibility whether or not you're using birth control. maybe you'll also remember that other people make mistakes and lie. sometimes ladies forget to take their pills or take them improperly. other times they're trying to trap you so they can move out of their parents' house! whatever the case, maybe next time you won't leave big responsibilities to someone you hardly know.

good luck with this baby and its mama! not to mention with yourself. from the looks of your question, you're likely going to need it...

***

q: i am in my 20s and work as a nurse's aide. i have a co-worker who is lazy. she expects me and everyone else to do her work. i constantly find her sitting down in resident's rooms or anywhere with a chair. then, when i need help with something or someone, she is nowhere to be found. this gets very aggravating.

i talked to my boss about this a couple of months ago. he had not done anything about it so i talked to him again just the other day, and he told me that he would talk to her.

i'm just trying to hold on for four months until i start nursing school. how do i get my co-worker to do her job, and how do i get my boss to tell her to get off her rump?

- not sitting around

a: it's an unfortunate fact of life that other people exist to make yours harder than it is already.

people are often inconsiderate, lazy, rude and ill-mannered and it sounds like that's what your coworker is. but it also sounds like, at this point, there's not much reason to invest getting upset about it. your coworker isn't going to change her work habits for you, your boss isn't actually going to do anything about it despite saying he will, and you're leaving in a few months for something better.

if you wanted to stay at this job, we'd definitely urge you to fight the good fight and whip that girl into shape. but sometimes the bitches are lazy, and fighting over every little injustice we encounter in life takes a lot more energy than, at present, we have.

why don't you just spend the next few months following this girls lead, and instead of getting mad at her, take a nap in the janitor's closet?

***

q: i am getting married in four months. i have been engaged for four years. however, my fiancee and i have at least two major issues.

my fiance and i are not seeing eye to eye on money issues. he feels that, when we are married, once the bills are paid for, each person should have allowance money to spend, and the other person should not ask what the money was spent on. an example is, he spends money on CDs or a football jersey that's over $200. if he used it from his allowance money, i should not complain. i'm not OK with this. my parents have been together for over 30 years and consult every detail of their expenses together. my fiance feels that this is like "reporting" to the mate.

my other problem is that whenever something bothers me (other than money matters), i feel i can't tell him without getting upset. i email him or try over the phone. this doesn't work. he never wants to hear the bad, he only wants things to always be on the upbeat. however, i have issues i want to discuss. i feel he keeps me from expressing my feelings, which turn into resentment. lately, i have really been questioning my relationship.

please help me. i'm getting married in four months and am afraid of failing.

- here come$ the bride

a: money issues are the most frequent cause of fights between couples, so it's not surprising that you and your fiancé's different financial styles are causing some strain. he wants a little freedom with leftover cash once the bills are paid, and you want to jointly approve all expenses beforehand.

every couple is different, and just because one system worked for your parents doesn't mean you and your fiancé have to do it the same way. what exactly bothers you about your fiance's suggested method? it doesn't sound like he's shirking the responsibility for paying bills – he just wants to have the feeling of independence with his discretionary "play" money after the important things are taken care of. part of a successful marriage is allowing each person some freedom, as long as it doesn't threaten the relationship. would it be so bad if he were allowed to use his own extra money on things he wants, even if they are impractical and tacky? we're not thrilled with the idea of a $200 jersey either, but he IS a grownup, and it won't make for a healthy relationship if you try to control his every move.

as for your second issue, you're right that it's important to be able to bring up issues or concerns with your partner, and trust that he will listen attentively and supportively and help to come to a solution together. however, your approach has a great deal to do with how well the discussion will go. email and phone aren't nearly as good as face-to-face for serious matters. set a time, make sure he understands that you want to have a serious discussion – not a fight – about some issues that are important to your relationship, and present your feelings in a non-accusatory way. emphasize that it's not a case of him being in trouble, but you wanting to work with him to figure these issues out together. if he respects you and the relationship, he should be willing to put in some time now and then to work on any problems.

that said, sometimes it's a case of picking your battles. if you're demanding receipts every time he comes home from the mall, he could indeed be avoiding your attempts to have yet another "talk" – in fact, he may be feeling resentment as well. remember the big picture. if the worst thing your potential future spouse ever does is blow a couple hundred bucks now and then on toys, you've got it pretty easy, sister.

***

q: i've been dating this girl for a very long time. she loves me a lot, but i don't know if i feel the same way anymore. i always used to promise her that i'd always love her, but i think i've fallen in love with another girl. the other girl doesn't really like me yet, but i'm hoping to win her over.

do you think it's OK to go out with both girls? i'm at a pretty young age (14-16). none of this "dating stuff" really means anything, except to have a good time and practice for when we're older and want to get married and such.

- the grass is always teener

a: ah, our favorite question, and one that we never, ever get tired of answering. "i'm bored with my long-time significant other, should i go for this hott new person i just met instead?" really, we could answer it a thousand more times. and undoubtedly will.

it's true, young person: first loves rarely last forever and ever. as for promising your gf that you would always love her, we all say that junk when we're first smitten with someone, so don't worry so much about breaking that "promise." you can't control your feelings for other people, or how those feelings change – if you could, then AAB would have no reason for existence.

perhaps you are too young to have heard the expression, "you can't have your motherfucking cake and eat it too, player." it's an oldie but goodie, and it applies here. presumably, you are in an exclusive relationship with your current gf, which means that you have both agreed not to date other people. so if you want to go out with the new girl, you have to break up with your gf first, or else you'll be going behind her back and lying to her, which is not cool.

so your real question is actually the tried-and-true one we mentioned in the first paragraph. stay with your current old lady, or strike out for greener pastures? well, if you don't even have your driver's license and you're already bored of her, you're probably not going to end up spending your lives together. and she deserves to have someone who loves and appreciates her, not someone who's always keeping one eye out for a replacement. so do her a favor and break up with her, so she can find someone better, and you can find out what happens to guys who are constantly trying to upgrade to a newer model.

ask a bitch: volume twenty

2006-06-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

q: i have known a guy for years. we have been friends for a long time. he recently asked me out four times in a row. he always used to say he would never date the same girl twice unless she was "the one." i don't think anyone has ever felt the way i feel about him!! do you think he thinks i am "the one?"

---one in a million

a: well, do you REALLY want an answer to this, or is this the kind of "question" where you just urgently need to share your newly-in-love joy with the whole wide world? not that there's anything wrong with that, mind you. it's a little annoying for others, but understandable. but if you actually want to know what we think, read on.

we hope that your new guy's "one strike" dating policy was something he "used to say" a long, long time ago. like, when you were both twelve and had never actually dated anyone and were still in the rose-scented fantasyland of innocent youth. here in the real world, though, people don't lock eyes for the first time and magically levitate into the air while cascades of stars and rainbows swirl around them, signifying that they are The One for each other. usually, it takes a while to get to know someone, let alone judge whether they are an appropriate mate for life. also, since nobody is perfect, and people often get nervous or have a bad day right before a first date, it might be just a LITTLE presumptuous to think that you can know everything about a person (and your compatibility with them) in the time it takes to have dinner and get the check.

you guys have been friends for a long time, so it's safe to say that he knows you pretty well – both your good qualities and your flaws. and the fact that he's asking you out again and again makes it seem pretty likely that he's excited and happy about making the transition from "just friends" to something more. however, his strict and, frankly, unrealistic dating policy worries us a little. so enjoy the new romance, but just make sure that he's not putting you up on a pedestal, because it's damned easy to fall off those things, and not a very comfortable place to be anyhow.

***

q: my boyfriend of two years wants me to move in with him. "count your blessings," my girlfriends tell me. well, that's exactly what i'm NOT doing...even though i'm very much in love with him, and happy with our relationship, which i'd describe as "committed and stable." i just got out of college a year ago (as did my boyfriend), and this is my first time living alone and being completely independent. even though my boyfriend stays over at my place a lot, and i stay over at his place even more, i like having my own space to come back to. quite honestly, i can't see how he and i can merge our styles of living, which are very different on major levels -- namely, decor and household cleanliness. am i being selfish and immature in my reluctance to compromise?

---reluctant cohabitant

a: the bitches understand and applaud your desire for independence and personal space. in fact, the best and healthiest relationships work because each person is able to have their own separate interests and grow as individuals, while still being together and sharing their lives.

if you don't want to move in with him, then don't do it. there is nothing wrong with enjoying being a young, independent adult, and doing what you want to – in fact, that's what early adulthood is for. if you're not ready to take this step and live together, then you're not ready, and nobody is allowed to pressure you into doing something against your will – not your bf, not your friends, nobody.

but have you really examined your reasons for not wanting to live with him? are you sure you're being honest about them? because the reasons you mention for thinking you can't live with him (décor, cleaning) are issues that every single couple faces when blending their lives and their possessions together into one household. meaning, that really doesn't cut it as a reason for not wanting to live together. so maybe there are other, deeper reasons that you haven't yet consciously acknowledged to yourself ( e.g., you're worried about how he manages his money, or you don't want his loser friends hanging out on your couch all day), and if so, you need to figure them out and discuss them with your bf.

or, maybe you're one of those people who really just wants to have their own place. and that's fine too. some couples, especially older ones who have already established their own routines and comfort zones, keep their own places and take turns staying with each other, like you're doing now. but again, you'll have to talk to your bf about it and see if that's something he can accept (and since he's asking you to move in, he may not). understand that relationships do involve compromise, but never feel that you have to settle for a situation that makes you unhappy or stifled. because no self-respecting woman should have to endure a neon Hooters sign on her wall.

***

q: i recently met a new guy, we went out and had a really nice time. the night of our first date, i ended up going back to his place and having sex with him. i also saw him once during the week following our date, and we had sex again. i don't usually have sex with someone i just met, and i'm really looking for a more serious relationship. i have told this to the guy i just started seeing, and he reassures me that our relationship is not just about sex and that he really does like me. i really like him as well, and we've talked every day since we met. but i want to know: should i expect nothing more than a sexual relationship because of how soon we slept together?

---but i REALLY never do that!

a: listen, in a perfect world, how soon you slept with this dude you really like wouldn't matter. and it especially wouldn't matter to the point where you feel you have to justify it when you're writing to a crappy advice column by telling us you "don't usually do that sort of thing."

we believe you, honey, honest. and we feel your pain. but we're here to tell you the truth, and it might not be easy to swallow.

in the real world, stupid as it is, this sort of thing will and could and might affect your relationship with this guy. why? that's not fair? you like him? don't protest, we don't know, people are just like that sometimes. sometimes people make snap judgements, or assume things that aren't based on any kind of reality or facts. this guy you like and slept with right away might assume that's all you're good for and leave it at that. or leave you shortly thereafter.

the only way to prevent this from happening is to talk to him about it. (unless, of course, he's a big liar. but let's not go and assume the worst just yet.) sounds like you've already done that. sounds like you've made it clear that you want more than just a sex buddy and it sounds like he's told you he wants more than that. for now and until you know otherwise, take him at his word. if he says he wants more from you than sex and then does things with you that aren't sex, he probably means what he says.

***

q: is a little jealousy healthy for a relationship, or is it a recipe for disaster? If you think it's healthy, how much of it is ok before it becomes a problem?

---greenie

a: some people might emphatically deny the healthiness of jealousy in a proper, mature, adult relationship, but the bitches believe otherwise. moderation is key.

a little bit of jealousy, just a like a little bit of anger or a little bit of suspicion, can be all right if harnessed and used for the greater good of the relationship. all required to make it good is for both people to accept that jealousy will happen, for inexplicable reasons, and that it's not intended to be hurtful. be honest when you're jealous and talk to your partner about it. his or her proper, honest reassurances that there is nothing to be jealous of will put your mind at ease and hopefully the whole "talking to each other about your feelings" thing will bring you closer together in general.

of course, a lot of jealousy can be really annoying and drive people away from you faster than almost anything else. remember that you can control it and be careful.

ask a bitch: volume nineteen

2006-05-10T16:32:00.001-07:00

q: my girlfriend and i have been dating for a year, and i love her very much. we have a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, and we communicate well. recently, i told her my fantasy of her performing oral sex on me and swallowing. she said that would be "gross," and has never brought me to climax during oral sex because she does not want me to come in her mouth. i do it for her and i enjoy it. i feel like she does not want to accept a part of me into her body, that it's undesirable and that she doesn't have the fullest desire to please me. what should i do to get her to change her mind?

---b.j.

a: you communicate well, huh? are you sure? really sure? because it sounds like she's being pretty clear with you about what her comfort level is and what she's not willing to do. but instead of listening to her and respecting her boundaries, you're nagging and whining and pestering her repeatedly to do something against her will.

still think you have great communication skillz, champ?

as it happens, the bitches agree with you in theory oral sex is fun for both parties, and swallowing, while not exactly a candy-coated yumfest, is no big deal. however, we're not dating you (and believe us, we're not sad about it). you and your gf are the ones in the relationship, and part of a relationship a HUGE part is considering the needs and comfort of the other person. if you really think that making her swallow is more important than making her feel comfortable and happy, then you're NOT in a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. period.

so how's about you drop the stupid, infantile guilt trips about "she thinks my body isn't desirable," and admit the truth: you want to impose your will on her more than you want to find a compromise that you can both live with. do yourself and her a favor and explain this to her. then she'll dump your selfish, whiny ass and find herself a man who actually cares about her, and you'll be free to find a girl who will swallow, since that's clearly the most important quality a gf could possibly have.

***

q: it seems like nothing i do is enough for my dad. i don't get in any trouble at all, i'm on the honor roll, i don't go out, i do what he says, i don't talk back, i clean his shoes, i heat up his car, i cook for him - i do all this and it's still not enough. he never smiles and he never appreciates anything i do for him. i love him so much and i want him to love me back, but it seems as if i'm not good enough. please tell me what i should do. (by the way, talking doesn't help. i tried and it doesn't change a thing.)

---sad and unhappy

a: in a perfect world, every child would be entitled to unconditional love from his or her parents, because that is what every child deserves. however, as you have no doubt noticed, this is not a perfect world, and many parents are unappreciative, uncaring, or downright hostile to their kids.

it sounds like you've been trying to win your dad's approval and attention by being the perfect child and giving him no cause for complaint. unfortunately, you can't earn his love by doing good deeds. he should love you just as you are, no matter what you do, and the fact that he can't - or won't - is a reflection on his own emotional problems, not a judgment on your worth as a person.

you say you've talked to him and it doesn't help. if that's the case, then you have done all you can do from your end. his inability to show affection to his child is beyond your control. what you can do is take all the emotional energy you've been wasting on trying to please him, and direct it towards people who deserve it: friends, family, all the people who have voluntarily chosen to be a part of your life because they care about you. enjoy the healthy relationships you have with others, and accept that your relationship with your father can't be what you want it to be. going into therapy may also help you with working through your feelings toward your dad, and making your peace with his emotional unavailability.

remember, it's not you, it's him. (this is one situation where that really is true!) you deserve to have a life full of people who appreciate and care for you, and not waste your emotional energy pining for someone who's not worth it. good luck!

***

q: i have a lot of guy friends that i am very close to and spend a lot of time with. recently i have developed this crazy territorial, jealous, over-protective obsessiveness about them hanging out with other girls, some that are even my friends or pose no threat to me. i feel crazy. i didn't used to be this way or at least not to this extreme. what should i do about these feelings... because i know they're not good and i can forsee them causing problems if i don't get a handle on them?

---so jealous

a: we can relate to feeling jealous and overprotective and territorial about our friends, men and ladies alike. they are "our" friends, after all. sometimes this feeling stems from something rational, like "good lookin' out" but sometimes, like for you, it's insane, and it's best to nip it in the bud if so.

in theory, we all want what's best for our friends. this means we look out for them when they're too drunk to speak or walk, or we offer up honest advice about not wearing that thing that makes them look fat and pasty, or we let them know when they hang around with people who are shady that those people are shady. that's what friends are for.

in actuality, though, we all want what's best for ourselves. what would be ideal for us is if all of our friends were always around to do our bidding when it's most convenient for us. our friends would be perfect if only they would do this! it's only natural, then, that you might get your panties in a bunch over them hanging with someone besides you.

first and foremost, get a hold of yourself. no one is going to give you one hundred percent of their attention, ever. and not only that, but the attention they don't give you is going to be divided among lots of other people. come to grips with this, breathe deeply, relax. then be reasonable. throughout life, your friends will have other friends, men and women alike. they'll probably like some of them better than they like you. that's fine, because you prefer some of your friends to others as well.

ask yourself why you get jealous about certain friends hanging out with who they do, and be honest. maybe you don't like the people they hang out with, maybe you "like" like them, maybe you just need a new hobby to distract you from creating unnecessary drama. in any case, address each of these issues one at a time and it will help get your jealousy under control.

when you find yourself getting jealous, just remember that the feeling, while sparked by seemingly uncontrollable forces, is completely manageable. so relax, take another deep breath, and be reasonable with your friends. if you want to keep them, it's the only way.

***

q: i have a strange uncontrollable urge to go down on every girl i see. i was a virgin until about five months ago when, after three hours of foreplay, i finally penetrated and came right then. my girlfriend and i broke up after than, but are now best friends.

neither i nor my best friend are seeing anyone, and "friends" have sex all the time, so what is the best way to ask her to let me "practice"? after my first "real" sexual experience, i feel incredibly inadequate, especially since we broke up not long after that. i really want to get better. christ, i'm nineteen and not getting any younger.

---deprived

a: you're nineteen, just lost your virginity five months ago and recently broken up with your girlfriend. we hardly think it's strange that you have an uncontrollable urge to go down on every girl you see. sometimes it can't be helped.

now let's clear a few other things up. friends do not have sex all the time. some friends do, sometimes. and others most certainly don't. other friends might, if the friend they want to have sex with is attractive. and others will really just do it with anyone, anytime. that said, it's hardly fair to expect than any friend, even an ex-gf friend, would be willing to have sex with you. and not only is it hardly fair, it's kind of insulting.

of course, you'll never know until you ask. but you can't just ask your ex-gf (or otherwise, please!) if you can just "practice" with her, you'll have to have an actual, tactful conversation with her. women aren't stupid or devoid or hormones either, so she may very well want to take you up on your offer for the free action. all you have to do is tell her you could use some booty and that you'd like it to be her. if you feel like going into it further, you can tell her you'd like to have better skills. don't assume she's going to go for it, but don't assume she's not. if she's up for it, she'll let you know. if she's not, i'm sure she won't be subtle.

if she gives you the green light, practice away! if not, keep looking. one of those girls you imagine yourself having sex with will eventually actually let you.

ask a bitch: volume eighteen

2006-04-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

q: i seem to have a penchant for boys that i work with. i hooked up with two boys at my old job and swore to change my ways when i switched positions. when my ex-hook-ups from the former job wanted new jobs, i forwarded their resumes to my boss with a few words of encouragement. one of the boys was hired awhile ago and another will begin soon. while i'm not fond of seeing my sexual history every day at work, i'm not too bothered by it either.

here is my dilemma: the admin guy i hooked up with at my current job seems to have a real problem with it (which sucks, cuz he's in charge of things like getting my paycheck). i had asked how he felt about it before sending the resume and he wasn't too fond of the idea, and now he's being all mean about it. he says it just shows that i picked one friend over another and that i don't take into account his feelings - he even called me selfish! (was i selfish when, at his request, i went out to drinks with him and his girlfriend?). we've been sort of avoiding each other the past few days and while part of me wants to punch the fucker in the face, the other part wants to make him understand that if this whole situation should make anyone upset, it should be ME - i'm the one who slept with half the non-profit world AND i'm the one still single! i don't want to lose a friend, but i don't want to have to apologize for helping another friend out - what do i do?

---direct deposit

a: well, you could try sleeping with one of the billions of men on the planet that you DON'T share an office with, for starters. while it wouldn't be as excitingly dramatic for you, it would have the benefit of not forcing you to share the copy machine with your sexual past, and it would save you from the kind of awkwardness you're dealing with now.

the admin guy you hooked up with at your current job sounds like a jackass, and not someone whose feelings you really need to consider. after all, he cheated on his GF with you, then deliberately put you on the spot by inviting you out for drinks with her so he could gloat about his sleazy triumph. this guy is NOT your friend, trust us, and he has no claim on you nor any right to demand special consideration from you. so avoid him as much as you can from now on. for little things like post-it notes, it may just be easier to buy your own, so you don't have to deal with him. but if he tries to withhold your paycheck or screw up your hours, complain to his supervisor, like you would about any coworker who's harassing you.

meanwhile, if you're truly upset about how the situation turned out that you've slept with half the non-profit world and are still single then you need to choose your future sexual partners more carefully. hint: jerky scumbag coworkers who are already in relationships are probably not going to be your best bet for everlasting love. for that, you want the UPS guy.

***

q: does a love relationship between opposites (emotionally, spiritually or different interests or background), have a good chance of long-term survival? is there anything EXTRA or DIFFERENT from couples who are not opposites that has to be done to maintain a good, satisfying, and healthy relationship?

---opposites attracta: a relationship, whether it's between opposites or people who are exactly the same, only has a good chance of long-term survival if the people involved in it are able and willing to communicate. about everything. a relationship without communication is doomed to fail or be miserable.

the bitches firmly believe that almost any relationship can make it, as long as both partners can talk, are honest and have a sense of humor about what the other person might tell them. for a relationship to survive, this stuff is necessary. of course other things, such as hottness and a love of animals and a similar taste in movies or music might help, but they certainly can't guarantee anything. a couple can have absolutely everything in common, but if neither of them knows how to be honest about how to feel, it won't ever last and neither of them will be happy.

sometimes opposites turn out to make really excellent couples. it's not hard to figure out why, either. opposites, or people who disagree on certain things or in certain ways, have new and constant sources of conversation. they're able to share their likes with someone who's never enjoyed them before. they fight, resolve arguments, and become closer through this process. it's nice in a way that couples with many similarities will never know (and vice versa, of course).

keep an open mind and speak up when you need to and the world will start working in your favor.

***

q: i've been dating this guy for a few months. he's a "nice" guy. he treats me well and we have some of the same interests, pursuits, etc. i just don't feel a strong chemistry. he's attractive, but it's not WOW. i'm hesitant to move very fast, even though he has clearly expressed his interest in something more serious. how do I know if this is the guy? if i'm unsure, am i settling?

---i can do better

a: you are extremely shallow and this question is ridiculous.

he's attractive, but not WOW, so you're not sure you should give him a chance. you know what? don't give him a "chance." he doesn't need your "chance." what he needs is someone who will find him attractive and appreciate his personality as well.

you, on the other hand, should wait until you're really sure. don't settle for this guy. settle for one who's WOW, and leave the rest of the personalitied population alone.

***

q: after "we" have sex, she wants to sit around and pretend like we have some sort of relationship. how do i let her know (gently) that all she really has is a natural "D" cup, and she has overstayed her welcome two orgasms ago....?

(and by gently, i mean not ruining my chances of getting laid next week when the pickings are slim.)

---butter-boy

a: ah, the classic booty-call dilemma: how do you get rid of them when their services are no longer required, while keeping things friendly enough that they'll still be on the back burner next time you need them? it's a complicated matter, indeed.

obviously, the best solution is to never, ever have her over to your house, if you want to ensure a quick getaway. as long as you're at her place, or perhaps a motel that charges by the hour, you can fake a prior engagement that you really have to get to right now, or simply wait until she appears to be asleep and slip out. we're not recommending this, mind you, just saying that that's the classic escape method.

but if you can't avoid having her come over to your place, then your options are pretty limited. you can pointedly get up and get fully dressed, which will cue her to put on her clothes too. you can reach for your briefcase/backpack/stack of papers and say, i'm sorry, but this stuff is due in the morning and i really have to finish it up before bed, so... can i call you tomorrow? of course you won't really call her, but you're just giving her more signs that her presence is not welcome.

finally, if you're feeling passive-aggressive, you can fake some highly annoying bedtime habits, like stealing all the blankets, kicking/punching violently in your sleep, or talking loudly to yourself. be apologetic in the morning, and sadly explain that you've always done it and you can't really control it. with luck, she'll start choosing to go home on her own for a better nights sleep, while not holding it against you.

one final word of advice: slapping her ass and presenting her with a fat wad of bills on the way out the door is not conducive to friendly booty-call relations. take our word for it.

ask a bitch: volume seventeen

2006-04-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: vol. 17

q: i have been going through a rough time lately that began when my fiance and i broke up after a years-long relationship. i've recently met someone new who says he wants to be with me, but he's younger than me and is dating other people. i don't know how to deal with dating someone who is seeing other people. how do other people do this? i know i don't need to be in a totally exclusive relationship after ending an engagement, but i just don't know how to handle sharing a guy. what can i do?

--- one for me and one for you

a: first off, we commend you for realizing that it takes time to adjust after a breakup, and especially after ending an engagement. you are absolutely right: you DON'T need to be in a serious, exclusive relationship right now. you could actually probably do without dating at all for a while, but that's up to you and we assume you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't want to.

so how do you handle seeing a guy who you know is seeing other people? if you're asking about how to handle it etiquette-wise, then the answer is, just treat it like you're going on a series of dates, rather than having a relationship - because that's essentially what you're doing. act like you would during the first few dates with a new person: don't ask intrusive questions about his love life ("who was that on the phone just now?") or say things that imply exclusivity ("sooo, i saw you out with some girl the other night. should i be jealous?"). what you are doing with him is more like a string of separate events than an ongoing thing, so don't say or do anything that assumes a standing relationship, and you should be fine.

if you're asking about how to handle it emotionally, though, that's different. whatever his reasons, he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be exclusive, so continuing to date him on those terms implies your consent. but if you're not comfortable with that and you want more commitment from him than he's willing to give, then you may have to move on and find someone else. at this point, you need to do whatever makes you comfortable and helps you get over your ex-fiance. so if dating this guy is causing you MORE stress, let him do his big pimpin' thing without your help, and wait for a guy who will devote all his attention to you.

***

q: my girlfriend and i (both in our twenties) have been together for about 9 months, and the relationship has grown into something serious. last weekend we talked about our "pasts." we both have "hooked up" with someone we just met, but i never went all the way with someone. however, she did, on several occasions. my only sexual experience is with a woman i had a 6-year relationship with.

up to now, both of us felt our relationship was heading towards marriage. the problem? even though i told her that her past didn't bother me, i have been thinking about it obsessively since we talked. her sexual encounters DO bother me - a lot. i felt both surprise and disappointment that she would have one-night stands. her "innocent" appearance was a big attraction for me.

now i feel jealous of the experiences she has had that i have not. i know this is unfair to her and that the past should stay where it is. i also know that it is hard to find a woman who shares my limited experience. we are great together in every way, but i can't help what i feel. i've considered breaking it off and looking for someone as great as her - with a sexual history more like mine. but i believe i'll never find someone like her again.

i've thought about discussing it with her, but don't want to hurt or upset her. the problem is mine. how can i deal with this? do i just suck it up and accept this as dating in the new millennium?

--- let's call the whole thing off

a: ah, the big "sexual past" talk - every couple gets around to it sooner or later. some couples prefer to have full disclosure when it comes to their sexual histories, figuring that their future spouse, of all people, should know and accept them unconditionally. other couples feel that what's past is past, and all that truly matters is that they have now found the person they want to be with for the rest of their lives, so there's no need to revisit things they've done that no longer reflect who they are now.

are you listening? because THEY ARE BOTH RIGHT.

if you belonged to the second camp, you would never have grilled your GF about her sexual past and we wouldn't be here at all. so obviously you belong to the first camp, or you thought you did, anyway. but now that you've had the talk, and you didn't get the answer you wanted, you're looking at your potential future wife as used goods.

well, get over it already. as you correctly pointed out, this is unfair to her, and the past should stay where it is. she wasn't with you when she was hooking up with these guys, and she didn't do it to hurt you. maybe she would take back some of those experiences now if she could, just like maybe you would have chosen to have more sexual experiences under your belt if you could. unfortunately, we can't change the past, so this is what the two of you have to work with.

what is ultimately more important to you: the abstract idea of a "pure, innocent woman" to be your wife, or your actual flesh-and-blood GF, who you liked enough to be thinking about marrying? if you really love her, then you won't blame her for having a life of her own before she met you. since you've opted for the full disclosure route, tell her what you're feeling about this and why it bothers you, emphasizing that you're not judging or criticizing her for her choices (you're not, right?). she can then reassure you that the past is just that, and you're the only one she wants, and hopefully, that will put your concerns to rest.

on the other hand, if it bothers you so much that you want to break up with her over the fact that she - gasp! - had sex with people before you, then maybe you should. she doesn't need a husband who will judge and resent her for the rest of her life for something she can't change, and you probably don't deserve her anyway.

***

q: i am "seeing" a man i met online. we have actually met and hung out twice - things went well and i really like him.

after our second encounter, i approached him about our online profiles still being there and active on the dating site where we met. he made it clear that he did not like it that i continued to remain available online. i took myself off... but he is still there. when I brought this up, he told me that he has made friends with different individuals that he enjoys talking to, but never intends to meet. he asked me to trust him and has also informed me since then that he does not like to be pressured. now he says he did not tell me to discontinue my profile, yet at the time made it clear he was mad i was still there.

i feel i am not being respected. i also feel i am not getting in return what i am giving. i would really like to continue seeing him. am i being stupid?

--- stupid is as stupid does

a: to sum up: no, you are not being respected, no, you're not getting what you give and yes, you're being stupid. at least a little bit.

here's the problem, which you recognize in your question: this guy, after meeting you online and then in person, asked you (or implied that no doing so would upset him significantly - more or less an "ask") to do something that he was then unwilling to do in return for you. this is nothing more than the sign of a selfish, untrustworthy, lame person. be glad you're finding this out now, and not after much longer.

it seems the wisest thing to do in this situation would be to get rid of this guy before he proves himself even more selfish and untrustworthy. after two in-person meetings, you're not so emotionally invested in this relationship that you can't walk away from it. so walk away from it, know that you're doing to right thing by taking care of yourself and remember this the next time you start to get involved in a relationship and the other person is asking you to do things they won't do for you. (relationships are full of double standards, but that's not how you should start off!)

however, you say you'd like to continue seeing this guy, so in spite of his selfishness, he must have some good qualities that endear you to him. if you really feel he's worth it, continue seeing him, but not without making some changes. first, let him know that you feel disrespected because he implied wanting you to delete your online profile, but was unwilling to do the same when you were upset by his. tell him that although this experience has not made him completely untrustworthy, it's made you wary. let him know that he will not be able to push you around, and that if he expects you to be making an effort toward a solid relationship, then he will have to be doing the same.

above all, make sure you put that profile back up. if he never asked you to do it, he should have no problem with it. and if he feels perfectly fine meeting friends online, you should feel free to do the same without another word from him.

***

q: say i have to take a MAD dump, and i'm at her house... what do i do?

--- constantly wearing diapers

a: when you gotta go, you gotta go. even at a girl's house.

make sure your girl isn't about to need the bathroom first. then excuse yourself just like you would if you were just needing to take a little pee. don't spend excessive time in there and make sure you open a window before you sit down and start. lighting a match or spraying air freshener will only vaguely mask the smell or, worse still, just alert your girl to what you've been doing.

next time, take care of this and all other gross boy things before you leave your own house.

and seriously, everybody poops, so get over it.

ask a bitch: volume sixteen

2006-04-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume sixteen

q: i met this guy who is clearly attracted to me. i agreed to a first date, and found him to be a very nice guy that i just feel no chemistry with. he asked for a second date, and brought up all kinds of things he thought we should do together. i don't want to hurt his feelings but i know this isn't going anywhere. i also need to confess that i'm not seeing anyone now and the attention is nice.

i guess my question is, how should I handle this? should i tell him directly how i feel? should i go out with him some more and give him a chance to change my mind? should i go out with him and indirectly communicate i'd like this to be platonic? or, is there another, better option i haven't thought of?

--- check, please

a: so basically, if we're hearing this correctly, you want us to tell you that it's okay to use some poor schmuck who you don't like but who likes you, just so you can milk him for free food & entertainment and some flattering attention. is that about right?

you say that you know this isn't going anywhere. so how would continuing to date him give him the opportunity to change your mind? if you don't feel chemistry or a romantic connection, that's not going to change over time. all that will change is his bank balance, as he continues to pay for dates when you're not even interested in him.

let's be honest: if it's even possible for a straight man and a straight woman to be platonic friends (and we have our doubts about that), it is DEFINITELY not possible when one of them has expressed romantic interest and the other person has rejected them. if you tell him you're not interested and offer to just be friends, of course he'll take the bait, hoping to convince you to like him. you'll still be using him for attention and wasting his time, when he could be finding someone who wants to be with him for reals. that's not fair to him, so don't even kid yourself about that option.

he has been honest with you - making it clear that he likes you and wants to see you again - and so you must be honest with him. tell him, "i had a fun time on our date and you seem like a great person, but i just don't feel any chemistry between us. i'm sorry." yes, he will be sad, but he'll be even sadder if you lead him on and he discovers weeks or months later that you never really liked him at all.

***

q: i have a male acquaintance that i'm romantically interested in. he is giving me some signals that he shares a similar interest in me. i have dropped hints and tried to communicate my feelings in suggesting we do something together, etc.

how can i let him KNOW how i feel without scaring him off by coming on too strongly?

--- do you like me? check a box

a: well, without knowing more about these signals that he's been giving you, it's hard to say for sure. but we'll trust your intuition and assume that he is indeed interested and has been trying to subtly let you know.

if that's the case, then your job is very easy: just keep on doing what you're doing. it sounds like you've been talking but haven't hung out one-on-one together, so start with that - catch a movie, go to a museum, have lunch at a place you've been talking about trying. the key is choosing an activity that could theoretically be platonic, so no romantic dinners in dimly lit restaurants just yet. the more time you spend together, the better you'll know how you feel about each other, and things may just progress naturally without you having to plan it out.

however, if you're feeling bold/impatient and that sounds too indirect, you can always just lay it all out for him. tell him you like him and you're interested in dating, if he is too. if he likes you, then it won't be coming on too strong. he'll most likely be delighted to know you like him back. but even if he doesn't like you, the worst that can happen is that he'll politely say no thanks, and then you're no worse off than you were. plus, since he's just an acquaintance, you won't have the i'm-in-love-with-my-best-friend awkwardness of having to then see him regularly while you both pretend it never happened. because, trust us, that one really does suck.

***

q: i have a last name that, when i introduce myself to strangers, inspires jokes. while not wanting to seem like a bad sport, i've spent my entire life hearing the same jokes and i am no longer amused. what is the appropriate response?

---first name basis

a: there is nothing that can be done about the stupidity and uncreativity of other people. no matter what you say to the people that make these jokes, it will do nothing to stop the next lame people you meet from making the same jokes again. and so on and so on, ad infinitum.

speaking from (irene's) personal experience, the bitches can tell you that this problem exists the world over, even if your name isn't THAT ridiculous or weird. people can hardly talk about irene without calling her "irenie" & adding "peenie" or "weenie" to it, and if they ever find out her last name is "stone," they have to make a joke about smoking weed. without fail. unless they're too busy making a joke about rocks. somehow this always seems funny to the person saying it, when it's obviously not.

the problem is, in this type of joker's mind, this is a truly original joke, given that they've never heard it or told it before. and because it's new to them, they can't comprehend that it might not be equally fascinating and humorous to you.

we suggest you do your best to meet better, funnier people, who will refrain from making these types of jokes. and if the people you meet can't be helped, a short polite response, such as "haven't heard that one before," while maintaining a totally straight face will do the trick! (as long as the trick is making them feel like an asshole for telling lame jokes, which we assume it is.)

***

q: i have been in a very serious relationship for the past couple of years. my boyfriend is everything i could want in a man... except he is very boring. i met this really interesting and exciting man online. he seems to have an explosive personality, and he scares me a lot, yet i am strangely attracted to him. should i take my chances and hook up with him for a more exciting relationship or stick with the tried and true? please help!

--- the grass is greener

a: this is one of those times where we read the question and sigh aloud. loudly. several times.

first of all, if your boyfriend is boring, then he is NOT everything you could want in a man. because you obviously don't want a boring boyfriend.

but do you really mean boring, or do you mean you've been with him for years now and that he's just familiar to you? there's a solution to that, after all (although if he really is boring, there's not much you can do for that), and it takes some effort on your part as well as his. for starters, you have to (gently, please!) let him know that you feel you are growing apart or that your relationship is becoming stagnant and that you'd like to do something about it, by changing your routine, doing fun things, or maybe doing some dressing up in costumes. make sure you don't blame the staleness on him and it will be a productive conversation that will hopefully produce results. in long term relationships, it's easy to let things become boring, but there's never nothing you can do about it.

now maybe by boring, you meant that you're bored with him. which would explain why some dude on the internet frightens and fascinates you! of course, there's certainly nothing wrong with having a crush on someone you meet via the internet (especially since the bitches collect cute boys on the internet themselves), but there might be something wrong with the fact that you are willing to drop your boyfriend of years to "hook up with" someone you have never even met. in this case the problem is not your boyfriend, the internet, or this dude - it's you. and the problem with you is that you don't really have any idea what you want.

weigh your options carefully here. boring boyfriend vs. exciting person you've never met. and remember that this exciting person you've never met might just have a way with words and some sort of hideous deformity that prevents him from meeting ladies in real life. and then decide.

ask a bitch: volume fifteen

2006-04-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume fifteen

a lot of you seem to have relationship problems, and here at bitch headquarters we do our best to solve them for you. (and we do solve them for you, better than anyone else.) but we also know that a lot of you have problems you're just not telling us about, so get to sending!

and enjoy!
the bitches

**************

q: i moved away from the bay area (900 miles away) because it was making me crazy, for many reasons. i was dating a really nice boy while i was there - a nice, young, inexperienced sort of boy. when i left i thought maybe i would just let it die, even though i was very into him, by ignoring him and not returning his calls (evil, and a cop out), but he kept contacting me and eventually i gave in and we started having a long-distance relationship. so far i have been back to visit once, for four days, but he hasn't been to visit me once in the four months since i left. he always says he is working on it but has no definite plans. i am worried that this means it is not really happening.

also, the only people i am meeting in my new town are the sorts of people who want to make out with me. so this is cramping my social style, not to be able to make out with other people because i am waiting for this boy to maybe visit. granted, he is busy, and has a job and whatnot. but even if he comes here, he will probably not be willing to move, and i really can't live there--already tried. do y'all think i should just give up on this thing?

also, how do i make friends who don't want to make out with me?

---angsty bitch

a: everyone knows that long-distance relationships suck, and yet it seems like everybody gets sucked into one at least once, usually with bad results. if it makes you feel any better, 900 miles ain't nothin' - one of us bitches was actually going to move to canada for a boy! thank goodness that didn't work out, eh?

the thing is, long-distance relationships can really only be for the short term. that is, in order for it to become a real relationship, one of you has to move to where the other one is. you say that you can't live in the bay area, where he is, so that's out. meanwhile, he hasn't come to visit you once since you moved, and you don't think he would be willing to move to where you are. so what kind of future is possible for you guys, if neither of you is willing to make that sacrifice to be together?

frankly, it sounds like you're kind of lukewarm about each other, anyway. you say he was nice to date, but you were ready to let it die when you moved. he wanted the long-distance thing initially, but now he doesn't want to make the effort to visit you or move. maybe it would be kindest to tell him, "hey bf, we had fun together, but our situation has changed and i really don't see how we can keep dating." this may prompt him to be more on-the-ball about visiting, or even to discuss moving plans. but more likely, you'll find that it's better and easier for you both to simply date people in your own town.

as for part two of your question: first you say that having a long-distance bf is cramping your makeout style, then you say that you want to meet friends who DON'T want to make out with you. so which is it? you seem somewhat confused about what you want out of your love life. first, take some time to figure out what you really want relationship-wise, and we bet that the question of who to make out with will fall into place. in the meantime, spare yourself additional angst by making platonic non-makeout friends via all the old standbys: befriending coworkers, taking classes, volunteering, joining clubs, craigslist, myspace, etc. and good luck in your new town!

***

q: why would a man tell me over & over that we're soulmates, meant to be together, and that he's been waiting his whole life for me, only to suddenly tell me we are not right for each other and end it with no explanation? we dated for over a year and had a great relationship, or so i thought. we never fought and no problems ever came up between us. i don't understand because i wasn't expecting anything like this. of course now i'm sad, but mostly angry because i don't understand any of it. what happened?

---i'm pretty sure it wasn't me

a: it's a common fallacy to assume that because fights = bad, no fights = good relationship. but it's actually not true at all. a relationship involves (or should involve) two equal individuals, with their own distinct wants, needs, and fears. which means that even if you're very similar, you're going to have differences of opinion now and then. it's inevitable and it's not necessarily a bad thing. everyone is different, which creates conflict and friction, but in a healthy relationship those conflicts can be resolved and will actually strengthen the bond between you. the alternative is being so inoffensively bland that you make no impression at all, and who wants that out of a significant other?

so while you may be right to say that no problems ever came up, that doesn't mean there weren't problems. what it does mean is that you and/or he were either unaware of the problems, or unwilling to bring them up and face them. it sounds like your ex had some pretty unrealistic expectations about the relationship, and wanted to convince himself as much as you with all his dramatic romantic declarations. when he was no longer able to maintain the fantasy, he couldn't deal with it, and cut the whole thing off rather than try to work through it like an adult.

we're sure that you ARE great, and that there is a soulmate out there who's been waiting his whole life for you. but our point is that, for every super-romantic candlelit moment with flowers and soft music, there's also a super-gross moment with unwashed hair and morning breath, or a super-bitchy moment with crabby moods and mean remarks. all that stuff is part of a relationship too, and in a truly great relationship, you'll be able to relax and occasionally show your worst side and trust that the other person will stick around. if this guy couldn't do that, then the biggest favor he could possibly do you is getting out of the way so you'll be free when your REAL dream guy comes along.

***

q: i'm a 27-year-old woman who's been dating this guy for a month. he's the perfect man for me, and is everything i want in a relationship, and has been from the beginning. a few days ago, i saw some very disturbing videos on his computer. it's him - in sex videos with several different women. i can't imagine that he actually recorded and kept these videos and it's horrible to see someone i care about so much having sex with these other women. of course, now i can't stop thinking about it, and am even considering ending the relationship over it, because it's that upsetting. what should I do? forget about it and get on with him, or drop it and look for a virgin?

---not completely pure myself, but...

a: the bitches would like to please advise that it's usually just not possible to know whether or not someone is "perfect" for you after dating them for a month. this is because a month, in the grand scheme of things, is just not a very long time and one would have to assume that the "perfect" person for you would consist of more substance than is possible to find out in a short amount of time.

now, in snooping around on this "perfect" man's computer, you happened to find some of his sex videos. if you can't imagine the impulses that caused him to record and save these videos and it disturbs you so much you feel you might need to end this relationship, then we can only conlude that perfect is not so perfect for you, after all.

it's not really so odd that someone would film or take pictures of themselves doin' it with someone else. it's this day and age, and everyone's an amateur porn director/star. or maybe not everyone, but enough people are that this shouldn't be shocking. if it is, perhaps it clues you in that you might not be compatible sexually. if it bothers you so much (and apparently it does), you really ought to consider ending the relationship and trying to find a virgin, which might be more to your taste. otherwise, please, you're going to have to come to grips with your current partner having had past partners, which they have, whether or not you find photographic evidence of it. you've had sex with other people, too, so be fair and be reasonable and mature. talk to him about it, explain that it bothers you, and give him a chance to explain himself and reassure you that these things are in the past and you are in the present.

and remember this next time you decide to go snooping! none of this would have happened had you kept you're curiousity under control. not only is snooping rude, but it's grounds for him to dismiss you immediately as you're completely out of your rights to go through his stuff, whether it's accessible or not, and you're in complete violation of his trust. snooping, however tempting, is always ill advised.

***

q: i'm a single woman about to turn 30, and my children's father cheated on me five years ago and gave me herpes. i've read up on it completely, and am well informed about my std, but what i don't know is: when is the proper time to tell someone that i have this STD when dating? should i tell them right away, when first meeting, or wait until they get to know the "real me" and we are going to get intimate, or what? much as i sometimes might wish it, i know there is no third option of "not tell at all."

--love bug

a: living with an std is certainly not easy, but getting educated about it and being safe with it are the best ways to deal with, and the bitches are proud to commend you for doing so. if only everyone was like you, fewer people would be in your situation.

there's no one proper time to come out and tell someone you're dating when you have an std. the first date is probably too soon, as it will likely drive people away before they have a chance to know you, and right before sex is too late, as making a decision like that requires time and thought.

the best time to tell someone you might have sex with that you have an std is probably around the time you start thinking you want to have sex with them. (if this is on the first date, then we sincerely apologize for assuming otherwise. really.) if you're thinking about sex, then hopefully they are, too, and it's only fair to lay all your cards on the table then.

since you'll likely have some 'splainin' to do (however unfair that might be), it's probably best to do this telling in a private place, with your head about you (translation: don't get drunk to do this) so you can remain calm and reasonable and answer any questions your would-be partner may have.

above all, just remember that you're in this boat because someone else was dishonest with you. it's your job to be honest with other people so they don't unknowingly wind up in the same boat you're in. it's perfectly fine to have sex with someone with an std, provided you take all the necessary safety precautions. a good potential partner will understand this, be sensitive to your feelings and appreciate the fact that you took the time and made the effort to tell the whole truth.

ask a bitch: volume fourteen

2006-04-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume fourteen

we're sick (irenie). we're tired (steph). we're sick AND tired, but we're also bitchy, and we know you can't go one minute longer without a heaping helping of our excellent advice. so here it is... volume fourteen! yep, we give till it hurts. you're welcome.

q: i never really thought of myself as that clean or obsessed with the state of my home until a few years ago, when it became apparent that no matter whom i lived with, they were never clean enough. i still don't think i'm that bad, but just i like a clean damn house. this means that my pet-owning roommates should be kind enough to clean up after their pets (not letting their fur choke their air, and changing the litterbox more than once every three weeks), and that everyone should sweep the floor when they drop crumbs and ashes all over the place (or vacuum, in carpeted areas), do their dishes, wipe down the counters after they cook and not leave shit stains in the toilet, hair in the shower drain or toothpaste dribbles in the sink. also, the trash shouldn't be piled up in the kitchen, especially when the garbage is about two seconds outside our front door. i'm not even asking them to really clean, as much as i am for them to just pick up after themselves! am i really asking so much?

what can i do about these dirties?

---apparently i'm anal

a: well, we believe that the best option is really to have no roommates at all. that way, you can keep the joint as clean as you want it – and conversely, any mess in the apartment is YOUR mess, and there is no one else to blame. (furry friends, of course, are exempt from this ruling, since they are not so much roommates as helpless dependents, and cannot be expected to clean up after themselves.)

still, many young adults find that roommates are a necessary evil that must be endured in order to save on rent or live in a really good location. so how can you take a group of random people with different standards of cleanliness and find a happy medium that everyone can live with?

well…that's the thing. sometimes you can't. you can try to hold a "house meeting" and divide up the chores evenly, and put a chore chart on the fridge where everyone has to check off their tasks as they complete them. but since you're a roommate and not a parent, you really can't enforce any lapses or make them redo a half-assed job. you can suggest that everybody chip in for a maid to come through and clean the place once a week – split two or three ways, it wouldn't be super-expensive (cheaper than medical care for a roommate-induced stress ulcer, anyway). if you're the leaseholder, you can threaten to kick out the offending roommate if they don't clean up their act. ultimately, though, a slob is a slob, and at this point in their lives it's probably too late to try and change them.

for now, you can try negotiating with your roommates – if they clean more often, you'll try not to bust their chops. that kind of thing. but in the long run, the only way to make sure your house meets your cleanliness standard is to either screen potential roommates with extreme caution, or have no roommates at all. because sometimes it's worth the extra rent not to ever have to look at a soap-scummed clump of someone else's hair in the drain again.

***

q: what is a nice bitchy place to take a date?

---ike turner

a: ike tuner shouldn't take a date anywhere.

that said, the bitches don't think you should necessarily take a bitch to a bitchy place on a date. the bitches (as in irene and steph, repping for all bitchez) don't like to be taken to "bitchy" places, they like to be taken to "expensive" places and there's a difference.

just kidding! we're not that bitchy.

you have to take a girl out somewhere you pick based on that particular lady. where did you pick her up, what has she talked about so far, what kind of clothes does she wear, is she a vegetarian? or better yet why don't you ask her where she'd like to go. that seems pretty simple. or decide what it is you'd like to do and let her choose the place to do it.

dinner and a movie is an old standard that still works. ladies, even if they pretend not to, really do like food. if it's too much trouble to ask your date where she'd like to go, pick a place that has options just in case she's a picky eater or has specialized dietary requirements.

but dinner and a movie won't work every time, so if you plan to take your date out a second time, pay attention to what she says while you're on the first date,
so you don't have to ask the bitches where to take her.

***

q: i recently met a boy who seems super great. we have a great time together, and things are going super well. our one big difference is that he's really steady and shy, and i'm extremely outspoken and random. i feel like this intimidates him at times when we are hanging out, but i don't know if toning down how i act is something i should do for the sake of building a firm relationship, because it's bound to come out anyway.

--- help!!

a: you know how people joke about old married couples who start to look like each other, or pet owners who resemble their pets? well, there IS some truth to that. the more time you and your guy spend together, the more you'll rub off on each other: your extroverted, outgoing personality will make him more socially confident, and his level-headed calmness will mellow you out. spending time with others who have different strengths builds character and makes us better people.
but you want to know about the short term, so okay. you're asking whether you should "tone down" how you act, because your natural self may be off-putting to your guy. while we definitely believe that denying one's inner bitchiness is an act of high treason, we also admit that the rules are slightly different when you're first getting to know someone – romantically or platonically. during the initial, introductory butt-sniffing phase, both of you are trying to process tons of new information about each other, and doing what you can to help the other person feel relaxed and at ease in your company is probably a good idea.

so, if you notice him flinching when you SCREAM with joy and jump up on the table to greet a friend who just walked in – yes, you probably could tone that down a bit without compromising your true self, at least for now. but if you find yourself having to lie about how many nights a week you go out because he wouldn't approve, or if you feel like you're censoring your thoughts and opinions for him, that's not a good sign at ANY point in a relationship.

***

q: i am addicted to blogging. i write in my livejournal everyday and never limit access to any of my posts. am i giving away too much information about myself?

---loquacious lou

a: there's nothing wrong with blogging away every second of your life and revealing your every thought, since it's what all the kids are doing these days.

nothing wrong with it, but it is a little weird. what is it you blog about if you never do anything else, anyway?

ask a bitch: volume thirteen

2006-04-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

welcome back to ask a bitch, still with new bitch steph and as always, with old bitch irene. with this issue we hit thirteen, and we beg for more questions. plleeeaaaassssse, we need them.

until next time, send us your questions,
the bitches

***

q: is cuddling a must after sex? and if so, then for how long? i've got terrorists to kill!

--- jack bauer

a: cuddling after sex is definitely not a must, for any length of time. actually, if you do it you're a big weenie, and we wouldn't count on you to kill any terrorists for us, thanks.

okay, really, we don't think cuddling after sex us a must, but it's nice enough, if that's what you and/or your partner are into. some people go for cigarettes after sex, others go for cuddles, other just go, and to each his or her own.

it really depends who you are, who you're with and what you have to get done next. if you're jack bauer, and you have terrorists to kill, surely your partner can let you leave without cuddling (for the sake of the millions of other people who need to be saved) or else they're just selfish. in which case, drop the bitch and get to those terrorists!

if you're not jack bauer, you probably don't have something so important to do that you can't invest in a little cuddle time. it's a nice gesture, at the very least.

***

q: i wanna meet bitches. what's the best way to approach a girl in the following places: at a bar, at the grocery store, on BART, on a bus, stuck in traffic, online, in your bed, at the farmer's market, at a concert? also, are there any other places to meet a bitch?

--- one very eligible dude right herrre.

a: you wanna meet bitches? well, you've come to the right place. meet the bitches, bitch one and bitch two, who know exactly where you should go to meet bitches and how you should go about meeting them in these places.

the places you listed in your question are all very appropriate places to meet a bitch. in fact, your list is so thorough we had trouble coming up with more places to meet a bitch, but did notice you omitted parks, museums and class. that doesn't make the list complete either, because it should suffice to say that bitches are indeed everywhere and there is always an appropriate way to approach them.

the first thing to consider when thinking about meeting a bitch is her general demeanor. if she looks like she's in a grumpy kind of, it's probably best not to approach said bitch. if she looks like she's sad, it's also probably best to leave said bitch alone. and if she looks like one of those Bite Your Head Off If You Talk To Her bitches, you should probably also stay away. the most approachable bitches are those who have a pleasant smile on their face, don't seem to be in the middle of something very important or who is making out with or making googly eyes at somebody else. approach away, but always do so with caution.

some general guidelines for approaching bitches need to be applied as well. in public places with a lot of people where there may or may not be drinking (such as bars, clubs, concerts, moster truck rallies), you have a lot more leeway with the style of your approach. often people are there to meet other people, and there's really not so much of a need to preface your introduction with an excuse, as you might want to otherwise. when approaching a bitch in a less alcohol infused environ, it's often better to come up with a reason to talk to her. maybe you've read the book she's reading, or you like the painting she's looking at, or you knit, too, and you wonder if she knit the scarf she's wearing. if you approach her with a reason you come off less creepily. it's a pretty transparent approach, as any bitch with brains will know what you're doing, but making an effort not to be creepy is always appreciated.

the same rules that would apply in real life are also applicable on the internet. if a girl catches your eye, you probably shouldn't start things off with a photo of your junk (people do this!). start a conversation the same way you would in real life and start with something that isn't immediately weird or sexual if you want to have a chance.

if the bitch you approach is open to talking to you, you will know it. if the situation seems awkward or she seems embarrassed or put out by your approach, it's best to walk away. there will be plenty of opportunities for you to meet other bitches, and if she doesn't want to talk to you, just chalk it up to her loss and move on.

***

q: does being "ethnic" make one bitchier than not being "ethnic"?

--- minority report

a: well, technically, everyone has an ethnicity, so everyone's ethnic in some way. but we assume that you mean "exotically ethnic." so does being exotically ethnic make a person bitchier than blending into the crowd? in fact, it does. who doesn't envy the hott indian chick in a sea of blondes, who can rock a sari with cultural legitimacy and make all the honky girls look blah? and who hasn't wanted to be the foxy african-american sista who makes hipster geek style look funky and nerdy and ironically postmodern all at once?

being in the minority instantly makes you the center of attention, and that can be good or bad. we have been to rural small towns and gotten hostile looks and shitty customer service for our ethnic appearance… and we have been objectified by those who have a fetish for certain ethnic groups. either way, sticking out in a crowd forces you to either have amazing self-confidence or to fake it, and that is most definitely bitchy.

the good news is, everybody's exotic somewhere. so if you happen to be in a place where you're part of the sea of faces, all you have to do is head to a different part of the world, and you too can enjoy the novelty of having a different skin color/eye shape/accent from those around you. welcome to bitchville, pop. you.

***

q: i broke up with my boyfriend about five months ago and i'm recently starting to see someone else. i'm SO confused, cause my ex has started spreading rumors about my new boyfriend for no apparent reason and has started picking fights with him. i've confronted him about and he blatantly denies it. so what the fuck is going on?

--- ex marks the spot

a: "no apparent reason," huh? let's see… why would an angry, bitter ex who got dumped be acting jealous and immature toward your new BF? nope, we can't think of a reason either.

come on, now. is it really that surprising that your ex would feel resentful and jealous towards his replacement? or that he would engage in some less-than-grownup behavior with your current squeeze? we hope you're not one of those people who claims to be "friends" with their ex, and that you "talk every day." because that doesn't ever really happen. if you're "friends," it's because one of you wants to get back together, and the other person is either too nice or too dependent on the attention to crush those dreams.

you have obviously moved on, and started dating a new guy. your ex has just as obviously NOT moved on, and is hoping to get your attention in any way he can, because even negative attention is better than being ignored while you gaze adoringly at your new BF. you can try explaining to your ex that things didn't work out between you, and if he wants to be part of your life at all, he needs to respect you and your BF. but most likely, that won't work, and you'll just have to put up with his man-baby mischief until he gets over it and finds someone else. exes are like assholes, in more ways than one: everyone's got 'em, and they usually stink

ask a bitch: volume twelve

2006-04-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume twelve

it's been a while, hasn't it? and you're probably wondering why it's been so long and where the bitches have gone to and what they've been doing, right? there have been some changes. for one thing, leslie has decided not to continue writing ask a bitch, even though she hasn't decided to stop being a bitch. she'll miss you guys, definitely, and you'll miss her, too. but for this issue, and probably the next (and maybe permanently, we'll see) steph has decided to step in and help out. she's a funny bitch, so it'll probably work out for everyone. the next issue should be out sooner, and maybe we'll figure out what's going on around here in the meantime.

cheers!
bitch & the new bitch, yay!

***

q: question about conversation etiquette: it seems like lately after i've gone out with a guy and i'm thinking back on how the date went, i notice that the conversation is mostly about him. perhaps this is because i'm usually interested in learning more about them and ask them questions to get to know them better - but then do you think if they aren't reciprocating as much, this means they aren't interested in getting to know me? i mean we talk a little about me, but it seems like we always end up talking more about him (and this has happened with the last 3 guys i've seen). do you think this is something i should be worried about?

---worrieda:

in a word, yes. after all, dates are for getting to know someone better in order to determine whether you two are compatible enough for something more serious. or they're for giving blow jobs. but in either case, it should be a reciprocal thing, not one person doing all the giving and one person doing all the receiving. so if you find yourself repeatedly going on dates with guys who are content to blather on endlessly about their own incredibly fascinating lives, and don't show any interest in your awesomeness, you might want to ask yourself whether these guys are actually worth dating. because how great could a guy really be, if he doesn't care about you and your life enough to ask you about yourself during the very point at which you're supposed to be getting to know each other? of course, there could be other factors involved. first dates are stressful, and they make people nervous, so he could just be chattering randomly to keep the conversation going. if you really feel like you're not getting equal airtime, then don't wait to be asked for your opinion – go ahead and speak up! either it will lead to a livelier conversation, or you'll discover that he's a self-absorbed jerk and he'll discover that you're too outspoken for him. either way, you're better off.

***

q: so i never know what to do in this situation: today i was walking and noticed that this guy's fly was down. i didn't know him but i wasn't sure if i should let him know to ease him from further embarrassment or if telling him would be more embarrassing - what do you think i should have done? also, sometimes i feel compelled to let people know their tags are sticking out of their shirts and other things like that - is it better to tell them or just keep quiet?

---trying to help out

a: remember when we were little and kids would torment each other on the playground yelling, "xyz, pdq!"? well, we're a little more polite now, but the basic sentiment is the same. as adults, we have a civic duty to discreetly point out wardrobe malfunctions and food-on-face issues to others, to spare them unnecessary embarrassment. the embarrassment of being tactfully notified of a grooming problem is nothing, compared to the mortification of getting home at the end of the day and realizing that a) your shirt was buttoned wrong all damn day, and b) of the dozens of people who saw you all day long, nobody was kind/brave enough to tell you so. as far as unzipped pants, you have two options: notify the wearer, or ignore it entirely. if the wearer is clearly young enough to remember "xyz, pdq," you can try it – with a heavy dose of cheeky irony, of course. otherwise, just quietly say, "excuse me, you might want to check your zipper," and glance vaguely downward (though not directly at the person's crotch). but if you are going to chicken out and ignore it, then you must ignore it COMPLETELY. a friend of ours once came to work with an unzipped skirt, and her male boss noticed that her zipper was undone, then pointed it out to another female supervisor to point it out to our friend. this is not cool. tags are pretty much the same, except there's no embarrassment factor, so there's really no excuse for not letting someone know their tag is sticking out. you may want to draw the line at fixing it for them unless you know them fairly well, though. people appreciate being told about a sticky-outy tag, but they probably won't appreciate you jamming your hand into their sweater.

*** q: is there a taboo on first date blow jobs?

---because i hope there isn't

a: good question. in certain circles, i'm sure the answer to this question would be yes, there is definitely a taboo on first date blow jobs. i bet, in those certain circles, there are also taboos on sex, hand jobs and even kissing on the first date! silly circles. however, in other circles, probably the ones you travel in, it's totally appropriate and even frowned upon not to give or get a blow job on the first date, or even upon your first chance encounter with someone you think is cute. we're pretty sure these are commonly referred to as the "slutty" and/or "whoreish" circles, but honestly, we wouldn't know, because that's where you are, and the bitches, while fans of sex and all that good stuff, don't necessarily advocate doing it with whomever, or wherever, or whenever, so we're over here, somewhere else entirely. be clear, we wouldn't necessarily qualify the people who give or get blow jobs on the first date "sluts" or "whores." those are mean words, and the fact that they're usually applied to women by other women (although we use them freely to describe both men and women, when applicable, and mean them descriptively, rather than insultingly), makes us wary of them. a rose is a rose, a spade is a spade, let's not beat around the bush. you do it once, maybe you're not. you do it all the time, you probably are. do whatever you want, but always make sure you're doing things because you want to, and that you're doing them safely, and with the consequences of your actions in mind. better safe that sorry, right? to each his or her own, though. so if you do happen to give or get first date blow jobs, embrace it, live it, love it, blow it. or something.

***

q: recently, i started talking to another girl in one of my classes who seems pretty cool. i think i'd like to be friends with her outside class, but i'm not sure how to suggest that we hang out without sounding creepy, or weird, or like i'm asking her out. i'm pretty shy and not so great at talking to strangers. what's the best way to turn a classroom buddy into a real friend?

-- BFFs 4-ever!

a: turning a classroom buddy into a real-life friend is a lot like turning a boy into a boyfriend or a girl into a girlfriend. you can't just walk up, introduce yourself and ask them to hang out with you. well, you could, but that would be weird.would you go hang out with someone who did that? making friends is a subtle, simple art that requires time and effort (just like seduction). in a classroom, it should be fairly easy to strike up a conversation with someone, considering you're both there discussing and thinking about the same subject matter (or, at least in theory you are) and writing papers and having tests on it. you could strike up a conversation about that day's class, or your teacher, or an upcoming project or test. then when you feel more comfortable with this person, you can begin to invite them out on a friends dates. maybe you can start with a study date at a cafe, and then progress from there (assuming you got along well on this study date) to actual hanging out as friends without pretense of getting schoolwork done, perhaps to a party, a movie, or dinner. assuming the two of you get along and find you like hanging out together, the progression from classroom buddies to bosom ones should be fairly smooth. friendships, like other relationships, arise naturally, over time and because of common interests or desires, and trying to force one will never work. so give it time and effort, but if it's not meant to be, don't beat yourself up.

ask a bitch: volume eleven

2006-04-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume eleven
another very special ask a bitch.

roses are red... and so is period sex.

***

dear bitches,

the other night i was making out with a guy that i've only recently started seeing (we're not even "dating" yet). things were making a turn for hotter and heavier when i realized i had to make a decision – to do it or not to do it? the only problem was that i was on my period, and i hadn't mentioned it yet.

first of all, how should i tell him this?

second, should i expect him to still be willing? or should i even still be willing?

***

irenie says:

this bitch is pro period sex, without a doubt.

i recognize, however, that not everyone is pro period sex and that some people (ahem!) even go so far as to be grossed out by it. shame on them, but still, it's only fair and respectful to let your partner know what's going on with your body, whatever that going on happens to be. i know, i know, it's a pain in the ass, but you'd really want them to tell you, too.

i thoroughly believe in the sooner, the better, as applicable to most of life. it's definitely applicable here. if you're making out with someone and it looks like they might want to get in your pants (or they're pawing away in an attempt to get in there already), you should tell them. in fact, maybe it would be even easier to mention it before then, in the conversation that precedes making out. i like a nice "babe, these cramps are killing me, let's make out" for starters. no need to explain it in detail, or gross your potential partner out with descriptors. but a quick mention will get it out of the way before anything else happens, and everyone involved can make a reasonable decision about what to do next based on his or her (c'mon, i know some of you ladies like other ladies!) preferences. whether you and i agree with them or not.

as for how you should break this news, again, as in all of life, i believe it's best to be blunt. no beating around the bush (ha ha!) or else you risk looking like you're uncomfortable with your own body and its processes, which is never cool and is usually a turn off. so you're on your period and so what? just spit out. this advice applies whether you're telling the dude so he's not startled by it later because he's getting in your pants or if you're telling him because you don't want him to feel bad when he can't get in your pants later. anyone who's making out with you will be refreshed and happy with your honesty, and you can be pleased with yourself, too.

it's my pro period sex stance that after you spill the beans about your period that yes, the both of you should be willing. you especially. messiness aside (but c'mon, who doesn't have a towel they can lay out for easy clean up later? and it's not that messy, honest.), i can't think of a single good reason to eliminate sex-havin' from one week a month. it's not unsanitary, certainly not anymore than non-period sex, and as long as you're safe in other ways, it's no less safe than the non-period sex. a little lovin' on your period does nothing but help, in fact. orgasms practically erase cramps and all the happy little chemicals spread throughout your entire body, leaving you happy and relaxed, not gross and moody. that's reason enough for me to sign up!

your new friend, however, might not be willing, despite your honesty and best efforts to convince him or her. in this case, maybe you should still make out with them. but don't expect them to be in it for the long haul. someone who's not willing to tolerate a little bit of bodily fluid every now and then doesn't really deserve you tolerating their bodily fluids every now and then, and sooner or later they're going to expect you to. and you know what i'm talking about.

***

belka says:

there are two issues at stake here. aside from the obvious debate about period sex, there's also a question about honest communication, which has been a big trend lately at AAB. when and how to tell your partner that your uterus is having an active day? quickly and simply, that's when and how! honesty is important in sex. regardless or what you OR your partner think about period sex, your partner has a right to know what he or she is getting into...literally. honesty is a sign of respect, and the bitches strongly advise against sex without respect.

in a long-term relationship, hopefully your partner already knows. once you're living with someone, or at least spending copious amounts of time with someone, they should really start cluing in to when the menstrual aids appear, or else you more than likely feel comfortable announcing "ew, cramps," or, "good news, i'm still not pregnant" when your cycle starts, in a non-sexual atmosphere. long-term partners really should not be surprised... and if they are, you might want to question them about their powers of observation.

however, our current advice seeker had only just started seeing the guy in question. he couldn't be expected to read her uterus. is it awkward to tell a guy that you're on your period and he maybe won't want to have sex with you or you maybe won't wanna have sex with him? yes, that can be awkward for some people. but he's gonna figure it out sooner or later, so tell him as soon as things get sexy. you can define "sexy" for yourself.... but as soon as the kissing is heavy, or as soon as you're moving toward a bed, or as soon as the thought of sex crosses your mind, say, "FYI, i'm on my period...didn't want to surprise you!" laughter makes everything less awkward. if you wait until the very last second (say, your pants are coming off), you will look embarrassed and/or silly and/or forgetful, and even if it turns out that your partner is a huge fan of period sex, you will most likely ruin the passion of the moment by having to say, "oh wait! i forgot to tell you..." no one likes to hear "oh wait! i forgot to tell you..." in bed, no matter what phrase is finishing the sentence.

should you have period sex? that is totally up to you. both bitches support your right to do whatever the hell you want to do in bed. in my own very personal opinion, period sex is inherently nasty. blood is gross, and i really don't want it on my nice sheets, or my towels, or my partner, or anywhere else. not even the pseudo-blood that symbolizes our glorious womanhood. yes, it's "just another bodily fluid like all the others" - but the others don't stain! so while i respect our readers' rights to have sex whenever they darn well please, i thoroughly count myself among the "anti-period-sex" camp. that's just my preference. and that's what sex is all about: personal choices and preferences.

that said, should our questioner have expected the guy to be willing? no, no, no, and no - because you should never expect sexual acts from your partner. you can ask, and you can encourage, and you can appreciate, but you really shouldn't expect or take for granted that all people are going to accept the same things - or that one person will always be willing to do the same thing. the guy certainly has the right to be grossed out by period sex and decline. that's his choice. the girl, in turn, certainly has the right to decide that the guy is immature and refuse to sleep with him again - but there is no hard and fast rule stating that we should "expect" others to love our menstrual cycles as much as we might.

***

survey says:

because period sex is such a touchy issue, and one of the only on which the bitches have ever been at odds, we thought it would only make sense to turn to our loyal friends and fans to find out which one of us was really right.

apparently neither of us, or both of us, depending on who you ask. none of you could make up your minds, either. one thing is certain, however: whether or not you like it, most of you do it or at the very least, already have. the numbers don't lie. read on...

of our respondents, 66% of you were women, and the other third were men. either way, we were both surprised at how willing so many of you were to just come right out and tell us everything. we mean, everything and then a little bit more.

we asked both girls and boys whether or not they'd have period sex. 70% of girls said yes, while only 50% of boys did. however, not everyone else said no (15% of girls and 20% of boys answered no to that). the rest of you, 15% of the ladies and 30% of the gents, were on the fence, and answered that maybe, you might have period sex.

some of you even had more to say about it.

girls said: "but it's not ideal," "hell yes it makes the cramps feel so much better," "anywhere anytime," "though it's far from ideal, sometimes one does things spontaneously," "unless it's like the absolute last day and i'm REALLY in the mood," " depending on how i felt and if i wasn't bleeding that much," and "depends on the partner."

boys said: " hell yes, cause i'm nasty and sexy! -haha- but seriously, yeah," "unless it was reese witherspoon and it was her main stipulation that it be bloody," and " depends on the girl. if it's a hook up, hell no. girlfriend that you love, yes."

when we asked whether or not you'd already had period sex, you pretty much said yes. dirty kids. 85% of girls and 90% of boys surveyed have done the nasty during that time of the month. 15% of women and 10% of men had not, but they might be lying.

the ladies said: "it was great!" and "what kind of slut do you think i am?"

gentlemen said: " i think i have. in fact, i'm pretty sure i have. the memories of that relationship have been pretty much sealed, though" and "i've had sex with a girl who thought her period was over, but it wasn't quite."

our third question asked you whether or not period sex grossed you out. turns out, you're pretty much halfway grossed out by it. 21% of women and 40% of men apparently are. 37% of women and 20% of men claim to only be a little grossed out by it. the rest of you, 42% of women and 40% of men, just aren't.

when we asked you why you were or weren't grossed out by it, you had a lot to say.

women said: " i would only have sex on my period if it was someone i trusted… not just a one night stand," "i know some say that it's more pleasurable for the girl and it might be but i'm just too self-conscious and so i worry too much about what the guy is thinking thereby taking away from my potential to experience pleasure. does that make sense?" "i have light-colored sheets! also, i totally won't let a guy put his hands or face anywhere near the area. i guess just because it's blood. even though it's not blood-blood," "it's just grody and messy...though if it's at the very beginning or end where it's like barely your period then okay..." "dude, i'm bleeding, probably bloated, and full of cramps... need i say more?" " blood makes me hot," " 'cause it's messy.... especially afterwards. also, i worry about the guy getting grossed out ('cause some guys really do), and that makes me feel self-conscious which is a hindrance," " because it's natural and if you really want to get it on, a little (or a lot of) blood won't get in the way. it's kind of sexy evidence, plus, a towel on the bed makes for easy cleanup," " because there is blood coming out of me!" "we all know that 'the time of the month' is not when one is feeling most confident about their personal hygiene. despite my best efforts for feeling fresh & meticulate cleanliness, i am a little self-conscious about the whole ordeal. ie: what if there is a mess? or (depending on the flow volume) --- for god's sakes-- a CLOT?!" "it's just messy and unnecessary," "because. when you want it, you want it!" "if i want to have sex, i want to have sex and dont want anything to stop me, especially my period. it is so annoying to not be able to have sex cos i am on my period. the heavy flow days are a definite no-no. the part that grosses me out is how personal and invasive it feels for someone else (especially of the opposite sex) to see, smell or feel the blood that is coming out of my body, due to me being a woman. i dunno. if someone asks, i will tell them that 'it is that time of the month', but it is not something i go around sharing with people, unless i really have to ( i.e. manager, i gotta go to the store and get a tampon, be right back). my period is my period and it is personal. it is messy and not good to have sex while i am on my period. at the same time, i don't mind like the last day or something, when she is almost gone and there is not a whole lotta blood. this kinda feels wrong but i'll keep going," "it's a natural process, with protection its not that messy either!" "i feel gross & bloated during that time; not horny or pretty," "*shrug* sometimes you just need to have sex. it only grosses me out if it gets on my sheets then i'm pissed cuz i have to wash them ... ugh! but seriously, it's just a lil blood," "who wants to wait that whole time?? plus, a boy should never be grossed out by it, and he should act really interested when you talk about what's going on with you," and "well... i'm pretty used to the sight of bloody mucus by now. most women are, i think. it's a bit messy, but throw a towel down and you're good to go."

men said: "just doesn't," "would you makeout with someone when they were having a gushing nose bleed? or more accurately: if a man was bleeding from his penis (even if it was for some understandable and in no way harmful reason) would you even ask a question like this?" " blood being another bodily fluid, and hey its not even circulating blood, it is messy however," " i'm purposefully ignorant of the female processes. i've never been given a good reason that i should know the specifics. i was told that it's safe, and so, under the circumstances, no problem. it's a bit icky, though. 'just don't look down,'" " its blood, i hate blood, even my own blood freaks me out," " because it's just fluids. and i watch a lot of horror movies so i'm probably desensitized. besides, that's like getting grossed out when you take a steak out of it's package, or when you scrape your knee," " it's natural. & if you love them it's all good," " sometimes it's a tad smelly and messier," "it's a bloody mess," and "blood isn't any more gross than normal vaginal fluid, it's just more likely to leave a stain that won't come out."

then we asked you ladies and gents different questions.

we asked the ladies: let's say you're on your period. and you start making out with a really cute guy. under other circumstances, you'd screw him for sure. in this case, do you tell him you're on your period? and at what point in the make-out session? or do you just make a random excuse for not having sex?

they responded with a whole array of answers: "ok if its the first day of my period, when i feel bloated and its a heavy flow, DUH i'm not going to have sex. i probably wouldn't even want to make out. in fact, the thought of being naked while bloated and on day 1 of period makes me want to hurl. but by the time i'm feeling fiesty again (day 2 or 3 ), the flow is much less," " i would tell him the truth and i definitely would not do it with a random guy no matter how cute or special... i have with a boyfriend who KNOWS me well and convinces me and i conceded solely because of the fact that i was very very drunk," " as soon as he starts making the move towards any below the belt action (such as pants-unbuttoning), i tell him i'm on the rag. if it's my first time with said hottie, i won't do it with him. i'll only have period sex with guys i've already had a lot of sex with," " no i think they'll get the point," " wait, not telling him is bad? hah. actually, when i tell him depends on how comfortable i am around the dude, what he's like, and what the night is like," " one time i was really drunk (BIG SURPRISE) , and i started making out with this dude, and i was on my period. and um... i was really wasted so i didn't remember i was on my period. but if that wasnt bad enough, the dude couldn't get up, so he started going down on me. yeah, i can't remember what his reaction was, since he really freaked out after not being able to get up... and he left me passed out on the bathroom floor. the end," " i tell him before the make out. if he's not down, maybe we can do something else, but he loses points for the repeatable sex category," "oh, i would definitely tell him the truth and see his response to the news and then go from there. it would also depend on how long i'd known him & how comfortable i was with him in the first place," " if i'm ever making out with someone and it gets to that point, which inevitably happens after one too many vodka tonics, there's no problem in saying it. if they look disgusted, it won't go any farther (unless they're desperate) and then i give them shit for it. if they don't seem to care then i go for it...or if i'm drunk enough, i won't care enough to be embarrased. but if it's a one night stand, i'd probably not be so open. being comfortable around the guy is what's most significant in this situation. if i'm not comfortable and don't want to sleep with the guy anyway, i'd say that i have my period....that's probably the most gentle letdown. basically it only really happens when the guy is interested in more than just a one night stand," " i would tell him and probably pretty early in the make out session.... but there are plenty of other things that you can do," " i've never been one to make out with random hot guys. (unfortunately?) but for example purposes, i would tell him, heck no i'm a prude you're not gettin' in my pants without dinner and 2 months of commitment first. in which case, he would run away and tell his friends terrible things about me. so, i'd have to be in a commited relationship, and be sure that this situation would not later be fodder for ridicule. it also depends on the volume of fluid and presence *if any* of cramps," " don't tell him, just let him think i'm dignified and would never let a cute guy just get into my pants like that… though we both know i would," " make a random excuse. then tell him later on if the relationship progresses and laugh about it," " i do not tell him i am on my period. i just tell him i don't want to have sex. if he is a really cute guy that i would like to screw, then i would hope he would wait a couple more days... my excuse for not having sex would be cos i don't want to yet. i would tell him i am just not that easy (ha ha) and i want to enjoy the innocence of making out for a couple more days. if he stuck around, i would probably tell him at some point in the aftermath and we could laugh about it. in all honesty though, i actually was making out with a hot guy that i did want to have sex with and i would have had sex with, but i was on my period and he kept trying to go down there, and i kept pushing his hand away, and he couldn't figure it out because he knew our whole purpose for hanging out was to screw around. so about five minutes (maybe 4, maybe 6), after things had been quite hot and heavy for the whole duration, and after i had told him no enough times to the point where i was sick of it and just wanted to enjoy making out, but only after the third time of him asking me why we could not go any further, i told him i could not because "i am bleeding right now" those were my exact words. i was a little drunk and his english wasn't the best, so i had to put it in a way that he would understand and not have me try to explain and further take away the lustiness of the moment," " i have always told my partner BEFORE we start making out, or in the very beginning that way they know their options," " uh... when he tries to take off my pants. then i say 'FYI... i'm on my rag, proceed at your own risk,'" " i'd tell him right before there was any hand-job action. cause that could be awkward," and " i guess the appropriate time would be when you're rounding third base and the scales have clearly tipped from 'hott makeout sesh' to 'clearly about to have sex.' i don't know if i would have period sex with a random hookup, though - probably just a BF. i'm usually not feeling super-sexy when i'm on my period, so i probably wouldn't be getting down with random guys at that time of the month."

we asked the gents: let's say you're making out with a girl. under other circumstances, you'd totally screw each other. but she's on her period. if she doesn't tell you this immediately, would you be upset? at what point in the making-out would you prefer to get this info?

they answered, though in much less detail: "i would not be upset. it doesnt matter when i get the info," " she should speak up by the time she's in her underwear (not counting bra as underwear)," " irrelevant," "before my hand's cleanliness is threatened," " no, making out isn't humping," " any time before a part of my body gets bloody," "well, if it's just making out, whatever. but if you know it starts getting hot and heavy & I'm touching her unmentionables , i think that would be a good time to say 'i'm on my period,'" " tough question... if you find out later, it's totally annoying, but if you find out earlier then you think you're not going to get any. i vote for finding out later, cuz you can enjoy kissing and shit and maybe she's into giving head when she's on her period (some chicks are... none that i know)," "upset, no... disappointed, of course," " since it is not always determined that you are going to screw when you start making out, i don't need that info before the first kiss. in fact, it's kind of a mood killer at that point. i think the best time to reveal this information is just before any clothes start coming off," and " i wouldn't be upset at all. and frankly, if i don't know a woman well enough to know when she bleeds, i'm probably not going to end up having sex with her anyway. i tend to notice and remember which week of a month that my friends and associates have their time. it's just a good preventative measure to know when not to take bitchiness too seriously and let a few things slide."

as far as the bitches were concerned, that was all we needed to know, but we gave you the opportunity to speak up, just in case we missed something.

the girlies said: "grossness!!" " i find that most guys are much less grossed out than i think they will be. one guy, when i told him i didn't want to do it because i was on my period, said, 'i remember when i got my redwings...' i was like, 'what are redwings?' ew," " eww - you forgot to mention guys eating girls out while they are on their periods - that is just disgusting beyond belief," " yay. yay!!" " glad to be of service," "i like sex. a lot," " i'll let you know," "you're kind of a pervert," " i did tell one short-lived bf that i was on my period and he was like so? go take your tampon out, i want you! and that was a little refreshing. however, it's not an excercise i care to make routine of. and: i'm not a fan of the whole period in general, so it's best to just avoid me in general at that time. hence why i just skip the placebo, and the whole mess altogether," " the only time it can be ok is in the shower, it stops the flow and makes for easy clean up," " period sex is fun. i'm horniest when i'm on my period. haha," " overall, i prefer not to have sex while i am on my period, but if my flow is light enough, and i am really fuckin horny, then please, get personal and lets do it. i think this is a great survey. i am interested to see the results," " i've only been with 4 people, i had sex while on my period with all but one. they didn't care, or think it was gross. my periods are really light since i'm on birth control though, so that might make a difference. i just wanted to add in those few comments for the sake of background info. hope this helps," " why would a man want to do it with you during that time of the month?" " seriously... not a big deal. but i've found that boys are only up for it at the beginning of a relationship/if they are desperate," " i'd be interested to see the results of this survey, esp. what boys have to say!" and " boys who can't deal with it are big, whiny man-babies! if they expect US to swallow, they can deal with a bit o' blood on their parts."

the boys said: " meh," "umm, i assume this is for academic purposes?" " you girls are sick, and i love it," " this is much easier when you have a girlfriend," "bleeding bitches taste like pennies," and " anyone on their period?"

we really thought that doing this survey would give us a solid answer, but it didn't. it just gave us a lot of information. personal information about our readers. now we're just giving it back. what you do with it is totally up to you. the bitches recommend that you have some sex, period or otherwise!

ask a bitch: volume ten

2006-04-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

ask a bitch: volume ten

this time, we had some help. it's always fun to get someone else to do your work for you. as we do here, in volume ten. ten!!! go bitches.

q: i'm a food snob. i like healthy foods, and i hate sweets. i don't like sugar. i firmly avoid it. it makes me feel sick. this makes the holiday season difficult. i am constantly bombarded with people trying to force unnaturally colored box-mix sugar cookies on me, or cakes, or countless other things i just don't eat.

i decline - sometimes with "i'm watching my sugar, but that looks SO good!" which SHOULD make me sound diabetic, right? which should get people to leave me the hell alone! but what do you do when people get pushy? some people are very offended when you won't accept their dumb sugar cookies. some people follow you around the office asking you repetitively. SOME people even say, "what? you aren't on a diet, are you? you're already so thin! are you worried about your weight?" and then i want to punch them for asking rude questions. if people aren't rude, i WILL sometimes try a small bite, to be friendly. but if people get pushy with me to eat their junk food, forget it.

this was a big problem at work, since we're a food-focused organization and all our volunteers brought CONSTANT streams of holiday snacks. luckily, i didn't punch any volunteers. but i had to remain polite, and you know how hard that is for me. what would you have done?

---the picky eater

a: you would think most people, having their own issues with food, would know enough not to be rude about it, either not pushing it on people when they obviously don't want it, or offering it when it is appropriate. food is a tricky thing in our culture, where people either have way too much or don't have enough, and as such, the bitches think it should be handled carefully.

if someone is kind enough to make food and offer it to you, in a non-pushy way, then by all means, take it, whether you like it or want it or not, and taste it or set it on a napkin and tell them you'll save it for after lunch. no need to eat the whole thing, or make a big show of it. the fact that you're taking it and trying it will often be enough for the maker. if it's really gross and you happen to have tried it, save the food under your tongue to spit it out. offering someone food is a really nice thing to do.

if you really don't like it, say it's interesting or okay or a little rich for your tastes. and then tell them thank you. in this way, you're showing gratitude without encouraging them to offer you the same food you don't want to eat over and over again.

if you really don't want it, and you feel someone is pushy with you, be push back, a little at a time. politely and firmly tell them that no, you don't want their food, thank you. if they continue, or start making comments like those "diet/weight watching" ones above, say you'd still rather not, you've just eaten, you've had so many cookies already today, you don't eat/like sugar/dairy/meat (or whatever it is). if they continue, at this point it's fair for you to simply walk away, tell them you're allergic to whatever it is they're offering or do the old standard --- make the gesture wherein you stick your finger down your throat and make a gagging noise. that should be sufficient to drive them off. the third time is the charm after all.

***

q: i love my boyfriend very much. the problem is that i dated his friend before i dated him. i told my boyfriend i had never said 'this' or had never done 'that' before, but his friend has since told him everything that happened between us in the past. now he knows i lied to him. we always get in fights now. will he ever forget?

---so i lied a little bit...

a: we cannot stress how important it is for people in relationships, whatever the nature of those relationships is, not to lie to the people you are in said relationship with.

unless of course you don't want to be in said relationship, because that's what's going to happen.

that said, there is a chance you can repair your relationship but you have to be aware that it's going to take time and effort on your part, and your boyfriend, although he'd be understanding in a perfect world, has no obligation to forgive or forget that you're a big liar.

we're not saying you need to grovel, or beg for his forgiveness, but you have to take responsibility for the fact that you're the one who messed up, and you can't just say you're sorry and expect it to be fixed. you have to address the issue (which means sitting down and having a conversation about what you did, why you did it, and why you know you were wrong), and then you have to follow that up with niceness. having another conversation about it in a few weeks, just to reiterate to him that you don't think you can just say sorry and get away with whatever you did, might also be nice. what you're aiming for is to put his mind at ease so that he feels he can trust you again, and you certainly won't do that by spouting platitudes and sweeping everything under the rug.

even then, he probably won't forget, but he'll be more likely and able to forgive. from there, you can move and rebuild your relationship.

but... we'd like to go off on a tangent here, as this is something we just don't understand. why do people lie about things that the people they're lying to are just going to find out? it's safe to assume that pretty much everything comes out eventually, especially among friends, and it just doesn't make sense. that's all.

***

q: when a guy seems gentleman enough to hold a door open for you, or let you out of the elevator first... is that chivalry or is he just trying to get a good look at your ass?

---curious

a: oh, does it matter? "chivalry" does still exist, and that's probably the important thing. more importantly, nice deeds exist, whether it's "chivalry" or not. guys are just trying to be respectful when they hold the door for you, and the bitches hope that you are equally respectful to old people, or handicapped people, or people holding cute little babies. western society is far too paranoid, and we should all learn to be more accepting when strangers try to do nice things for us. holding the door is a nice thing to do, and shouldn't be over-analyzed.

that said, let's imagine that a guy really is just trying to look at your ass. what is worse: having a guy take a quick look at your ass while you're going through the door? or having a gross ass that no one even wants to look at?!? of course the loud, lewd, whistling glances from scary construction men or young sassy guys in ghetto cars, those are offensive. those people should be shot. nothing is worse than being out jogging and being totally into an exercise zone and then have some fuckhead in a car yell something while driving past and totally ruin your stride. that's intrusive. the bitches demand that all male readers remember this.

if you suspect a guy is taking a quick, silent look while holding the door, be happy you have an ass worth looking at. really, it's not like we don't ever check out hot guys ourselves...

***
q: i met a girl, and she seems very neat. she is actually very cute. but i have communication issues. perhaps it is because i am a scientist or something.

anyways, i have a hard time listening after 4 minutes or so of constant talking, and this neat cute girl just talks and talks and talks. she never asks me anything about me or what i do or like or any of that. when i do try to pipe-in during a "conversation," she just keeps talking. that bugs me. and sometimes i lose my train of thought trying to listen some more. then i get a turn and i have nothing to say, since the moment of my intelligent response is past – so she just starts talking again. she seems very bored when i talk. i get the impression that she is not interested in me as a person so much. we have been sort-of dating for about a week or so.

what the hell should i do about this situation?

sincerely, rodwell jenkins

a: the bitches consider themselves to be consummate advice givers. but in this case, we have only one response: SERIOUSLY?

she seems bored and uninterested in you, and yet you've gotten the idea that you're sort-of dating? she annoys you by talking to much, and you even want to sort-of date her? she sounds bored and you sound desperate. for your own happiness, try to meet girls who don't annoy you. and please remember that "sort-of dating" is a pretty nebulous term, meaning wildly different things to different people.

the bitches were so flabbergasted by the obviousness of this question [she seems uninterested? well, then she's probably uninterested!], they decided to outsource some of the advice-giving. and for questions like this, sometimes its nice to have a male point of view, as well. so we called upon chris, our number one AAB fan and occasional guest columnist.

chris says:

dear rodwell, first of all, let me question your sexuality. based on your submission, you are either a bigger tool than the chunnel digger, or you like the cock. maybe both. regardless, your lifestyle is your business, and i can accept you for who you are. my best educated guess, hypothesis if you will, is that if you were a well adjusted homosexual who loved the cock, you wouldn't be wasting your time pining after vagina. tool it is! that being said, even tools deserve answers to their well intentioned albeit lame questions; especially when in those questions they refer to their love interests as "neat". you say you have a short attention span, so let me sum up the situation as i see it, without all the bullshit. 1. you met a girl. (presumably one that you don't keep in a cage, next to your lab mice.) 2. the girl is cute (in theory i don't know who you are talking about, wink, but i'll give ya this one.) 3. you are a tool. (communication issues + scientist + girls are neat + specific heat of beer + pseudonym = tool, trust me.) alright, now that we have all that out of the way we can get down to business. first let me ask a rhetorical question that i really don't need an answer to. how good is a scientist with communication issues? i digress. let's cut right to the root of this and answer your question shall we? you want to know what you should do about this girl right. nothing. you should do nothing. she doesn't like you. you are boring, and you probably drool. she probably talks so much because she is nervous. she is probably nervous because she's afraid of what might come out of your mouth if you are allowed to talk, or where you might hide her cold dead body if she doesn't get out of that bar in a jiffy! fine, she got drunk and made out with you one or two times. trust me, you're not dating, you're not sort of dating, about the only thing you are doing is shoveling enough beer into this poor girl to make you somehow somewhat attractive to suck face with. in the future, please note that you should never question gifts like these. just take the drunken lip mambo for what it is, and move on. my guess is it was probably a painful experience for her in the morning, but in the drunkenness of the moment, even a crazy ugly toolish scientist fits the bill: 'good enough'. while i'm telling you to do nothing about this, let me add specifically that you should definitely not get all twenty kinds of passive aggressive with her and everyone she knows. the best thing to do in this situation is definitely, NOTHING! crazy!! best regards, aab number 1 fan chris-topher.