ask a bitch: volume fifty-one

happy holidays & stuff from the bitches!!
xoxox, irene & steph

q: what's the appropriate response when opening a xmas gift that is a duplicate of something you already own? i'm not talking about something that you have one of but could eventually use (like another bottle of your favorite perfume), but something where having an extra serves no purpose (like two of the same video game). it seems like a waste of the giver's money to just thank them and quietly give the duplicate away - especially if it's something that was fairly expensive - but it also seems rude to say, "oh thanks, but i already have this," and put them to the trouble of returning it. is it better to be truthful and ultimately end up with something you CAN use and enjoy as the giver intended, or is honesty not the best policy when it comes to gifts?

- pandora's box

a: every present you open has the potential to create an awkward moment. when opening presents, always remember the number one rule is to remain gracious and thankful, no matter how inappropriate, hideous, or weird. after all, it's a present - someone went out of their way to get it for you, and you shouldn't ever act like a spoiled brat.

if you've just received a present that's a duplicate (or, for that matter, a present you don't really like or will never use), thank the person who got you the gift, and then, at an appropriate moment when it's just the two of you, mention that you already have the gift (or, it's lovely but it's not your style, or, you need to get it in a different size, or something along those lines, that reflects thanks but indicates there's no way you will ever use this item). they may give you a receipt, or they might offer to return it. if they offer to return it, don't let them. that's something you can easily take care of yourself. after that, they'll either give you the receipt or they won't. if they're not forthcoming, many stores will take an exchange without a receipt, or we're sure you can find someone who needs or will enjoy the item, or it can go to goodwill.

if someone's offended by the fact that you're politely asking to exchange an item, that's their problem. gifts are only good if they get used, so it's really only polite to include a gift receipt in the box of every present you give, to spare the people you give gifts to the awkwardness of this exact situation.

***
q: my boyfriend and i were born and raised in different towns but met somewhere entirely different - where we live now. we've been together long enough that it's a given that we'll spend holidays together, but WHERE we'll spend them is NOT a given. it's a constant struggle with our families to decide which holidays we'll spend with which, or if we'll even leave town for a particular holiday. christmas is the biggest holiday our families fight over, which always leads to us fighting. i'd almost prefer to spend christmas at home with my boyfriend and just spend quality time with our families in the summer or something, but of course this doesn't fly. aside from alternating years, can you think of a reasonable solution that would satisfy everyone involved?

- xmas, present

a: well, there are only so many solutions, if you don't want to do alternating years. you could spend thanksgiving with one set of parents, and xmas with the other set. if you are blessed with an overload of vacation time, you could spend xmas week with one set and new year's with the other. you could announce to the parents that you are drawing straws for holiday destinations - or pretend to.

but you sure as heck CAN opt to stay home for the holidays, if you want! sure, xmas is a time to be with family - but if you and your BF are long-term enough that spending the holidays together is a given, then you two are a "family," too. if either of your parents squawk about your decision, calmly tell them, "this has become such a heated issue in previous years that we really don't want to go through all the arguing again. we would rather stay home and enjoy the holiday than upset everyone by having to choose who to spend our vacation time with." hopefully, that will shame them into realizing they've been stuffing your stockings with guilt and resentment.

you can get creative about breaking the news - wrap up a beach towel and a pair of flip-flops, and have your "gift" be the promise of a summer visit, when it will be less hassle and more fun for everyone. this year especially, you can plead recession-induced poverty, making airfare to visit both sets of parents unaffordable. spending the holidays with the family is nice, but only if it's more fun than it is miserable, and if they can't behave like adults when it comes to dividing up the holidays, then you have every right to spend xmas at ho, ho, home.

***

q: the older i get, the more i find that i just don't enjoy the holidays the way i used to. one of the biggest sources of stress and annoyance around the holidays is actually gathering with my family, every member of which is capable of finding a million things to criticize about me or my current life choices or my lack of significant other or what i'm snacking on at the moment. although they don't always focus on me - there are so many things to criticize about everyone else, too! i dread their hypercriticism. i mention this to my mom and siblings every year and am always met with promises that they'll try to lighten up and pass the word on to each of their families, but it just never works, or it works for the first two hours of the gathering. i love my family, but i'd almost rather pass on holiday gatherings because of this. what should i do?

- scary bitchmas

a: we totally get your not wanting to dip even a toe into that bubbling family cauldron of criticism, pettiness, and bitter sniping. whatever the reasons behind their outrageously rude behavior, it's completely unacceptable. and while it's definitely not okay for your immediate family to ridicule and tear you down this way, it's SUPER not okay for their extended families and in-laws to pile on, too!

let's face it, single people are doomed to get a certain amount of uncomfortable, unwanted attention from relatives during the holidays. whether it's well-meaning or pointedly humiliating, your best bet is to shrug it off with a bland smile and deliberately be oblivious to their insinuations. if they say, "sooo, all alone again this year?" give them a big shit-eating grin and reply, "looks that way! here, try this cheese ball, it's amazing."

and speaking of which, what you nibble on at holiday parties is nobody's business but your own. it's pretty hypocritical of your family to set out fancy snacks and then attack you for politely enjoying their hospitality, isn't it? again, your best bet is to take the sting out of their catty remarks by appearing to let it go over your head. when someone sidles up to you at the bar and murmurs, "should you really be eating all that fudge?" smile and say, "oh, did you make these? it's wonderful - you simply must give me the recipe." there is no appropriate response to their shitty, mean-spirited comments, so stay classy and just pretend like they made a socially acceptable remark, and reply to that instead.

since you've talked privately to your family before about their inappropriate behavior and they haven't mended their ways, your only real choices are to blithely ignore it and realize it has nothing to do with you, or to bail when things get too awful. if so, tell them beforehand, "once again, i want to remind you that i am not going to put up with criticisms or personal attacks during xmas, and if it happens again, i am going to leave." but you ABSOLUTELY MUST follow through with this, or they won't take you seriously. when they start poking at your tummy and insulting your outfit, stand up and say, "i don't appreciate your comments, and i'm leaving now." then... DO IT. sure, you run the risk of being labeled uptight or oversensitive, but at least this way you get to skip the holiday ordeal.

***

q: recession aside, i don't have the money to buy presents for everyone i'd like to this year. (honestly, i don't think i have the money for it ANY year.) i'd like to bow out from present giving (and receiving, of course), gracefully and without a whole bunch of awkwardness, but i have no idea how to. i've traditionally been a gift giver, and so is everyone in my family. i don't want to be the odd one out, either.

- wrap it up

a: there may not be a way to avoid being the odd one out, but there are definitely ways to opt out of the usual holiday gift exchanges. whether or not you feel comfortable telling the people exchange gifts with in person or not is up to you - a simple email should suffice if that's all you're up to, and would avoid some of that interpersonal awkwardness that might come should you decide to announce this decision in person.

all you have to do is simply let everyone know that you've decided not to exchange gifts this year. you can mention why, but there's no need to, really, as that's really none of anyone's business. if you want to, feel free to give people who might want to buy you a gift anyway the option of donating to your favorite charity. cheesy, we know, but also good.

ask a bitch: volume fifty

q: i met a guy that i think i might like to have a long-term relationship with... but the first time i was invited over to his house to watch movies, i was startled at how messy his house was. you couldn't find a place on the kitchen table to put a plate on if you wanted to it was so cluttered and i couldn't tell you the last time he swept or mopped. how do you overlook something like that? it really turned me off to see such a mess.

- miss clean

a: it's a shame that there are so many people in the world that don't understand the value of a clean and organized and good smelling space, but the fact is, they do. and most of the time, there's not much you can do about it.

we hope, for your sake, that the boy you want to have a long term relationship is just young and not used to cleaning up after himself and that as he matures he will learn how to do this fairly simple thing. if he's older and lives in squalor, he probably just likes it. why? we don't know. some people just do.

the best you can do is be honest with him. tell him that you were grossed out by the mess he lives in, and that it really and truly made you consider not having a relationship with him or that you really and truly can't have a relationship with him because of it. he might be offended, but it might make him look around his apartment and realize that yes, it's gross, and that it's time to clean up.

if he doesn't want to clean it up, be thankful that you're not discovering how messy he is after a relationship has already begun and realize that you're free as ever to find someone with room on their kitchen table to eat dinner.

***

q: my boyfriend of 5 months and i are having a problem. we love being together and feel we are perfect for each other. he does not want to break up, but for some reason, which he says he can't figure out, he says he has to think of other situations with other girls in order to have sex with me. i asked if he wants to break up and try to be with other people but he feels that it is not a good reason to break up and wants to try to fix the problem and get past it. i am fine with it but not sure of if or how he can fix it. i can't see myself with anyone else and he says he only wants to be with me. am i wasting my time? is there anything i can do to help him?

- fantasy girl

a: let's dispense with this "fixing" a "problem" business right away, shall we?

what your boyfriend is doing is called fantasizing, and it's totally normal. we all do it at least once in a while, some of us more than others. some of us call it up as a desperate measure in desperate times while some of us thrive on it, making it the core of our sexual lives. your boyfriend sounds like one of those latter someones. certainly, there's nothing wrong with employing fantasy is your sex life, and we're almost tempted to commend your boyfriend for feeling comfortable enough to tell you what's going on with him. seriously, as long as your boyfriend is open, honest, and attentive to you sexually, this isn't a problem.

but if you're "fine" with it, you probably know all that.

it sounds like your bf needs a little bit of reassuring and encouragement. let the bitches reassure him that fantasizing is normal and encourage him to continue sharing it with you, as it could lead to a more fulfilling sex life for the both of you. let him know that you're happy to indulge him as long as he's happy to indulge you, and that both of you win that way. also let him know that if he keeps acting weird and uncomfortable, it's going to be damaging to your sex life, and both of you lose that way. if he persists in his discomfort, encourage him to do what we encourage everyone else to do: see a therapist.

***

q: my boyfriend of two years wants me to move in with him. "count your blessings," my girlfriends tell me. well, that's exactly what i'm not doing...even though i'm very much in love with him, and happy with our relationship, which i'd describe as "committed and stable." i just got out of college a year ago (as did my boyfriend), and this is my first time living alone and being completely independent. even though my boyfriend stays over at my place a lot, and i stay over at his place even more, i like having my own space to come back to. i can't see how he and i can merge our styles of living, which are very different on major levels - namely, decor. am i being selfish and immature in my reluctance to compromise?

- a room of one's own

a: on the contrary! you're a young adult who's just finished school and is experiencing the thrill of total independence for the first time. you can eat what you want, watch what you want, and clean or not clean if you feel like it, with nobody to answer to but yourself. it's a great feeling, and you've earned it.

it's not selfish and immature to enjoy your own living space. you spend a lot of time there, and all your stuff is there - it's natural that you would want it to reflect your personal taste and be a comfortable haven from the world when you want to be alone. even happy, intimate couples need some time apart to breathe and recharge (in fact, you could argue that that's what MAKES happy couples), and your home is exactly that for you: a place to relax and be comfy by yourself when you need it. why feel guilty about that?

it sounds like you're in a committed, loving relationship, and your bf wants to express that closeness by moving to the next level. but that only works when both people want it, and if you're not ready to give up your cozy cave, forcing yourself to cohabitate won't be fun for anyone. in the meantime, work on those compromising skills. differing style habits can cause major angst, so try meeting each other halfway - figure out what you can live with, and what's too ugly to bear. if you hate his ratty old beer-stained couch, take him shopping to browse for a new one (which will give you a chance to compare your tastes and practice finding a mutually pleasing compromise). decor may seem important now as an expression of your personal style, but when and if you decide to merge households, you'll find that differing tastes in throw pillows is the least of your problems.

take some baby steps toward merging your individual lives, and give it time - if you're really going to be 2-gether 4-ever, there's no rush to move in at your tender age. but if you still find it utterly impossible to imagine living happily ever after with your man, we say dump the guy and keep the apartment.

***

q: when i was conceived, my real father was married to another woman. my mother knew that and gave him an ultimatum: divorce your wife, or you will never see the child i am carrying. he tried to see me anyway, but my mother put a stop to that when i was a year old. recently, i learned where my father lives. i want to contact him. if i were him, i would wonder how my child was and want to know if she was brought up with love.

my mother and father were wrong in their affair, but i do not judge them on that. i don't want to tell my mother if i contact him, because i don't want to hurt her. she and i have never gotten along because she constantly criticizes me.

i am 34, a strong person emotionally, and an optimist. my feelings of needing to contact my father get stronger every year. i will not be hurt if he says he isn't interested, but the wondering eats at me - does he wish to contact me, but is afraid of what my mother told me about him? he is now 77 years old. i don't want him leaving this world wondering, but i am afraid to do anything about it.

- thank heaven for little girls

a: in general, the bitches do not advocate family feuds, or shunning wicked parents for life. do people make terrible, selfish decisions all the time, deeply hurting the loved ones they should care about most? yes. does it mean they can't sincerely regret their mistakes, change for the better, and deserve forgiveness? no.

but let's look at the facts. your biological father was cheating on his wife when he got your mom pregnant; he didn't fess up and divorce his wife to be with your mom and you; and he allowed your mom to shoo him away from any contact with you. so maybe your mom was right to shut him down, because he kind of sounds like a selfish jerk. if he's been content to be totally hands-off all your life, what do you think will be different now? he may not even realize that you know he exists (since you call him your "real" father, implying that there's another non-biological father figure in the picture).

you say that you're concerned about his feelings if he dies with this matter unresolved, but his feelings are not your problem – he's an adult, you're an adult, and if he wanted to be in touch with you that strongly, he would have done so on his own, maternal fatwa or no. if, however, you feel that for YOUR OWN sense of resolution and forgiveness, you want to extend an invitation to him to be part of your life, you are free to do so – and you are not obligated to tell your mother about it, if you feel she wouldn't be supportive.

write a letter telling him what you know about your history, how it makes you feel, and what you hope to gain by making contact at this late date. then hold on to that letter for a while. you may find that writing it all out provides the catharsis and closure that you need, and allows you to make peace with the situation. Or you may decide to mail the letter after all – but try not to be disappointed if you don't get a reply. despite the romantic notion of a wicked mother tragically separating a father from his daughter, the simplest explanation for why you've never heard from him is that, for whatever selfish or cowardly reason, he just doesn't want a relationship with you. that's sad, but it's not your fault, so take care of your own feelings and let him deal with his.

ask a bitch: volume forty-nine

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: lately I've been browsing through personals ads, and i'm absolutely bewildered by the number of women who put "no mind games" in their profile. "i'm too old for mind games." "i don't have the patience for games." "i'm looking for a serious relationship without any head games."

so what the heck is it that women don't want me to do? what constitutes a "mind game"? who could they possibly be trying to discourage with this prohibition? is this code for something else, like "no one-night stands" or "no breaking up with me before i'm ready"?

- bewildered

a: the kind of person who makes a very special emphasis to include in a personal ad that they are not interested in "mind games" (as opposed to most people, who assume that other people will know it's not very nice to fuck around with their heads) are probably the sort of people who've been led astray by some charmingly evil assholes in the past. you know, jilted ex-lovers, people who've been cheated on, i just found out my boyfriend is gay, i had a one night stand with someone who said they loved me but didn't really, etc.

because "mind games" is an essentially meaningless term, we have to assume it simply applies to a lack of forthrightness and honesty in a relationship. and then, we have to agree that those are not cool. having someone lie to you or be disingenuous in their dealings with you doesn't feel good, and people don't like it. if they've had recent experiences with it, they probably just want to emphasize how crappy it feels when posting their new personal ad.

certainly, people are responsible for their own lives and should be accountable for their relationship choices, at least inasmuch as they can be. if a person isn't interested in one night stands, he or she should try to avoid having sex with people they aren't sure will stick around. if you have a sinking feeling that the person you're dating is the slimy sort of jerk who will cheat on you, you should probably avoid him or her. and so on. you aren't responsible for the lies other people tell you, but you are responsible for the lies you tell yourself.

to answer your other question, women, and men, usually just want potential lovers/partners/friends to be honest. and not break up with them before they're ready.

***

q: hey, bitches, how come it takes women so damn long to get out of cars? i'll be peering out through my blinds, or crouching behind a bush somewhere, trying to figure if the woman who just pulled up to the curb is actually hot of if she's a porker who just happens to have a nice face, and she'll sit in that damn for like FOREVER, or at least for five minutes, before getting out. what's that all about?

- peeping tom

a: bitches everywhere know they do take forever to get out of cars. and bitches everywhere know the answer is simple: we have more stuff. more stuff that we have to gather up and move from house to car, from car to wherever, and back into the car later on.

basically, every man we know only carries around the bare essentials, or whatever he can stuff into his pockets. keys, wallet, phone, maybe some gum or smokes. women, on the other hand, have to be prepared for every possible scenario in a given day. that's why, when searching though a woman's purse, you might find those bare essentials of wallet, keys, and phone, but you'll also probably find a notebook, some tampons, books or magazines, bananas, several chapsticks, sunglasses, tissues, a bottle of water, gum, makeup and whatever else she thought it was a possibility she might want access to while away from the confines of her home. it's sort of insane, but then, also, you never know. you might, someday, use all that crap in a single day, validating this practice.

not to mention, we always check our teeth. ALWAYS.

***

q: when my ex and i ended things, i insisted that we no longer communicate. i felt it would be harder for me to move on with my life if he was still in it, and i didn't really like him as a person enough to want to be friends. i told him i would get in touch with him when and if i ever felt ready, but not to expect it. i did not delete him from every corner of my life - his number is still in my phone, i am still friends with him on myspace, we remain in each other's instant message contacts, etc. although i don't see any future where i want to him in my life, it seemed like it would be hateful and mean to do that kind of thing, not to mention unhealthy for me to obsessively cull him from my life.

we're coming up on the time of year during which we dealt with something very serious and traumatic, which affected us both deeply and was very painful, especially for me. at the time, we bonded over it, but it turned out to be something that drove us further apart. i sense that he is trying to reconnect with me now (via posting on myspace, talking about me with friends who then report back to me, etc.) but i honestly don't want anything to do with him, now or ever. if he's contacting me to commiserate, he's mistaken in thinking i want to grieve with him over a loss i blame him for, and he's being completely disrespectful of the fact that i told him not to.

i don't want to contact him, even if it's an email to ask him to please respectfully leave me the fuck alone, but is that what i have to do?

- don't call me, i'll call you

a: darn those exes! they never listen when it comes to respecting your stated wishes on whether, when, or how much to communicate. not only does it go against what you previously agreed on, it probably reminds you of all the irritating traits that led to the breakup in the first place, right?

but... things do change. and, more importantly, feelings change. what seems like white-hot hatred or irrevocably burned bridges at the time of a breakup may fade with time, as distance cools things off. so maybe your ex was hoping that that was the case, and now that some time has passed, your anger and grief have mellowed out enough to allow him some tiny place in your life. maybe he misses your friendship, and the other good qualities that made him like you to begin with. or maybe he, too, is mourning over the tragic event that drove you apart, and wants to reach out to the person who shared it with him, and who might understand his sorrow and hurt. while this goes against what you asked him to do, it doesn't necessarily add up to "disrespect" or defiance, per se.

so far, he's been sending out little feelers in indirect ways, rather than contacting you himself. so you have two choices: either ignore his hints, or send him a once-and-for-all shutdown that will make it clear. the myspace comments can be ignored and deleted, and if your friends are being meddling middlemen, tell them gently that you would rather not hear anything about your ex anymore, and change the subject. but if you do decide to send your ex an unmistakable rejection, resist the urge to tear him a new one. believe us, there are plenty worse things exes can do than try to reach out to make amends or bond over shared grief.

***

q: i'm really annoyed with myself for having a wandering eye/mind to other women. let me explain: i am in a relationship, which did end for some time during the spring. during that period, when we were still "figuring out" what to do, she slept with/saw another man. i remained faithful, hoping that we would get back together. this summer, after a lot of work on both our ends, we did. things are okay, but not ideal - i feel that in some ways a) the trust i had was chipped at a bit (not that i wasn't a jerk before, but that's another story) and b) all that work kind of wore me out emotionally to where it's hard to "only" concentrate on her & me.

i don't want to be unfaithful and don't think i will be - but i want to stop looking at other chicks and wondering what it'd be like to get in their pants. help!!!

- reunited, and it feels so... good?

a: sit down, please. this won't be easy to hear, but - dr. bitch and nurse bitch have diagnosed you with a terminal, incurable case of... being human.

just because you're in a serious, monogamous relationship doesn't mean you stop noticing attractive people - and, if they're attractive enough, it might lead you to idly wondering what they're like sans pants. this is ENTIRELY normal, and not something to beat yourself up about, as long as it stays purely theoretical. everyone has these urges - it's whether you act on them or not that determines faithfulness.

if you don't want to be unfaithful, then you won't be. your sense of right and wrong, and your dedication to rebuilding your damaged relationship, will keep you from venturing too far down that path. it's a long way from noticing a cute girl walking her dog in the park to approaching her, talking to her, asking for her number, meeting her for drinks, inviting her back to your place, and adulterizing her, and we think you're smart enough to realize where the boundaries are.

your relationship has had its problems, and committing to working the issues out and repairing the damage is a lot harder than cutting bait and starting over with someone new. you've got enough on your plate without punishing yourself for occasional daydreaming. on the other hand, if you suspect that your wandering eye is a hint that you're not as committed to fixing your relationship as you thought, then you need to be honest with yourself about that - without using cheating as an exit strategy.

ask a bitch: volume forty-eight

submit your questions to us via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i was in a very solid and passionate seven-year relationship. we met in middle school and had been dating from our junior year in high school until this past june. needless to say, we know each other well, had seen each other's ups and downs, and were a perfect fit.
things started to change about a year ago when both of us were trying to figure out if it was going to be "us" for the rest of our lives. i suggested that we take it easy for a little while in order to give us some room to breathe. however, no matter whom i dated, my heart and mind was always with him. he moved to another state for his master's and i stayed behind to work and complete my master's as well.
all of a sudden, boom - calls stop, emails remain dormant, and he is not acting his "normal" self. mutual friends divulge that he had been eyeing other girls throughout this past year. i approach him gently with this information and he shuts me out. at a friend's event, we finally meet each other after about two weeks of no communication. it was painfully awkward - something was definitely up. i finally asked him "is there someone else?" after denying it a few times, he finally fessed up, saying that he was "getting to know another girl." i started feeling sad, lonely, and depressed - reliving memories and torturing myself with thoughts of whether or not he's making new ones with "her." it also didn't help that his friends tell me about the things they do together (inside and outside of the bedroom!). according to his friends, she is absolutely nothing like me – in morals, in aspiration, even in personality and depth (as she is younger and still maturing perhaps).
i'm not one to mope for long. however, there are times when i just cannot shake off the pain that i've felt these past few months and i wonder where we went wrong. at this point, we are no longer in communication whatsoever. am i just overreacting about the whole situation? am i missing something that might be hindering me from my healing? can you please shed some light on this dark corner of my life without the use of the words "it's his loss!"?
- seven-year itch

a: there's nothing wrong with some moping after a long-term relationship comes to an end. it's normal to grieve for the loss of what you two had, especially if you believed it was going to be a lifelong partnership, and to go back and try to figure out what went wrong. it's also normal, if unhelpful, to torture yourself with imagining your ex and his new chick frolicking happily and gazing adoringly at each other, and to wonder what he sees in her that he didn't see in you.

but, you know, there's a ton of growing and changing that happens during the years that you two were dating. that's when you go from being a kid to really becoming a young adult: taking charge of your education, becoming financially independent, pursuing advanced degrees, and embarking on your chosen career. as part of that, you gain personal experience, learn more about who you are and what you want out of life - and trust us, your priorities, goals, and desires WILL change during these important years. which is as it should be, since most teenagers' priorities include drinking cheap beer and buying a new cellphone.

it's not so surprising that two people who were a great match in their teens might evolve and grow into two people who don't want the same things in their mid-twenties. you got a hint of this when you suggested a trial separation - so maybe there was something going on even then, which you didn't want to examine more closely. or maybe you had just gotten so familiar and comfortable with each other that you assumed he was still the same person you first fell in love with, and couldn't (or wouldn't) see the signs of change.

we won't say that it's his loss - or yours - because we're not so sure that it is. not that you're not fabulous, but clearly you were not the right lifelong match for each other. and, really, very few of us would want to entrust our 17-year-old selves with picking out a mate for life! instead, cherish the memories of the loving, intimate relationship you enjoyed for many years, and know that when you are finished with your own personal development, you will find someone who loves and appreciates your mature, adult self, and who WILL be a perfect fit for you then.


***

q: i go on dates pretty regularly, and while i usually have a nice time, i don't always want to go on a second date. if we don't click, or the conversation lags, or there's just no chemistry, i feel like it's a waste of both of our time to keep going out. but often, the guy will ask as we are parting ways, "do you want to go out again sometime?" this seems pushy and rude to me - it really puts you on the spot and it's very awkward to say no to their face, but they leave you no choice when they ambush you with the question! why is it that i can sense the lack of chemistry, but they can't? and what is the best reply when a lackluster date cluelessly pushes for a second meeting?

- dating games

a: it is a totally weird and bizarre phenomenon of dating that one person can feel totally excellent & amazing chemistry while the other person is totally just waiting for their next available opportunity to bail. it happens, and while it seems like it should be obvious when someone is totally bored or totally in love, it's often hard to read a person you're only on your very first date with, because you don't them well enough to yet.

asking if you want to go out again sometime might be a little pushy and rude, but it might help for you to take it as a compliment instead of an ambush. the person asking you out again obviously likes you enough to ask, and it's because you've been your normal charming self while on the date. his or her lack of ability to sense your lack of interest isn't totally clueless, it's more like hopeful.

that said, if you know you don't want to go another date with this person, there's no reason to let them believe you do. telling them you'd rather not (but that you had a very nice time and thank you very much for the company) might seem awkward and harsh, but rejection is a part of dating (and we'd like to say A VERY MAJOR PART OF IT), and anyway, you're sparing them in the long run. if you go the less awkward and less harsh route of giving them an excuse or telling them you'll call or saying you'd love to but secretly knowing you'll never answer or return their calls, you're just going to end up hurting their feelings more, and put yourself in a position where you might end up going on an uncomfortable second date just because you couldn't say no to it.

after all, put yourself in their shoes, and remember that you wouldn't want to be waiting by the phone for someone who knew they were never going to call you back when they told you they would.

***

q: the other day i was at my favorite korean hot bowl place and i accidentally left a thirteen-dollar tip on a ten dollar tab (i'd meant to leave three ones, but instead left two ones and a ten). i didn't realize this until about thirty minutes later, but i immediately ruled out going back and explaining the mistake and trying to get some of that money back.
however, it later occurred to me that my mistake may have given my waitress the wrong idea about me. normally, when a guy overtips a waitress, he has designs on her, or at least thinks she's very hot. and waitresses, by and large, are cynical seen-it-all dames who pocket the money and don't give it a second thought. but in this case, my waitress was a cute little japanese-american girl who can't be more than sixteen years old. i'd prefer for her not to think that i'm some creepy gaijin over twice her age who wants to be a one-man postwar occupation force.
so, the next time i eat there and she serves me, do i make some reference to having accidentally over-tipped her? like, say, leave a one-dollar bill and say "i'm sorry this is such a small tip, but i accidentally gave you thirteen dollars last time." or should i just act like it never happened and give her a standard two- or three-dollar tip and make sure i never give her cause to think i'm a pervy asianaphile humbert humbert?

- hot pot

a: we blame america. it is our country's fault for not having fun, brightly-colored bills so you can easily tell how much you're pulling out of your wallet. and those big numbers just don't cut it. even canada has cooler money than we do, and that's just sad. but if it makes you feel better, we've all been in the same boat - accidentally dropping a too-big bill into a tip jar, trying to fish out a single for a hobo and having to awkwardly, visibly stuff $5s and $20s back in your wallet... any time money is involved, there is the possibility of embarrassing gaffes.

as for the little kawaii waitress, why make assumptions? maybe the giggly cuteness is a front, and she's a steely-eyed broad who secretly despises her foreign barbarian customers, but is only too happy to take their cash. maybe she realized it was a mistake, but couldn't do anything about it either. or maybe she just thought, "awesome! now i can buy some hello kitty barrettes for my pigtails!"

don't worry too much about it. it's only creepy if you wrote your phone number and favorite sexual position on the back of the $10 bill. and no, don't under-tip next time in order to make it average out. next time you're there, just go back to your regular tipping level - chances are she's forgotten about it anyway, and it would be exponentially more awkward if you attempted to explain to her why you were shorting her this time to make up for unintentionally over-tipping her last time.

***

q: five years ago, while we were in college, my now fiancée cheated on me. we broke up then, but have dated off and on since then, and are best friends to the core and love spending time together. we got back together seriously last december and engaged in april. we know each other well, are more than old enough, and are both ready to take this step.

three weeks ago she went to a conference out-of-state that's to last a month. we've emailed each other every day and talked on the phone here and there until a few days ago. she's sent a couple brief messages, but they aren't her normal tone, so i knew something was up. i went into her e-mail account yesterday (which i know was wrong) and from a heart-wrenching note to her best friend, i learned she cheated on me with someone in her program. she is not sure she loves him but has serious doubts about marrying me.

i love her, but at the same time i am absolutely furious. and the worst part is i have to wait another week to see her and talk about this. can this be fixed? can we move past this and stay engaged?

- twice bitten

a: people who snoop don't usually like what they find. but sometimes, people snoop because they already know what they're going to find, and just want confirmation of it.

we know and you know that it was totally wrong and distasteful and creepy of you to sneak into your fiancee's email while she was away at a conference, but we all also know that it is totally worse of her to be fucking some dude at a conference where you'd never find out. unless you did something sneaky. of course, finding out this way means you can hardly tell her how untrustworthy she is (or, you can, but you might not want to emphasize that, based on how you found out), but it doesn't mean she should get away with this.

when she returns, you need to confront her about what she's done. 'fess up to what you've done, but don't let her focus on that. while you do owe her an apology for violating her privacy, do that and move on. your conversation needs to focus on your relationship, and whether or not it is reparable, or if either of you wants to repair it, if so.

with hard work (and therapy, always therapy!), your relationship might survive. the odds might not be good, but if you both want it to work, it's within the realm of possibility. but... why would you want it to work? loving someone is not, despite what fairy tales might tell you, enough of a reason to stay together. think practically: this is a woman who has cheated on you consistently, who admits in messages to friends that she might not want to be with you (and so, the whole thing might be moot, and she may have already decided the relationship is over), and whom you clearly do not trust. ask yourself if that, truly, is what you want in the woman you spend the rest of your life with, and then proceed.

ask a bitch: volume forty-seven

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i'm a 22 year-old college guy with dating problems. every time i meet a woman i want to date, it goes bust. my friends say i'm too aggressive. recently, i met a woman i liked. after we talked on the phone a couple times, i asked her out. she told me to give her some time to think about it. i freaked out and told her that if she had to think about it, we probably shouldn't be going out. i wasn't aggressive or anything, and i took my time by going with the flow. what is it that women want? i'm ready to throw in the towel.

- gunshy

a: if your friends are telling you that you're too aggressive with the women you want to date, they're probably right. now, this might not be the thing you want to hear from them - after all, then it would be YOUR problem and not a problem with the women you want to date. the thing is, your friends can see you from the outside, from the perspective of people who can get dates with the women they like (we assume), and from the perspective of people who are going to be honest with you because they want you to be happy (again, we assume).

there's nothing wrong with your timeline of meeting a woman, getting her number, talking to her on the phone a few times and then asking her out. and you know, there's also nothing wrong with being disappointed when someone you are into puts you off or tells you no. there is, however, something wrong with your reaction to her telling you she'd like to think about your offer. to be honest, it's totally creepy to tell someone that you "probably shouldn't be going out" just after they've rejected your offer of a date (um, duh) and it certainly won't win you any favors with the women you're trying to woo. how about something like "the offer stands whenever you'd like to accept it"? not only is that polite and respectful, but it's also NOT AGGRESSIVE OR DESPERATE.

women, at the very least and as a general rule, don't like men who are aggressive and desperate before they've even accepted a date with them.

***

q: i am 36 and exclusively dating someone, 41, for almost a year now. i feel, given our age, we should have enough experience to know whether we would like to pursue a serious relationship. when i ask my boyfriend about a future commitment, which means he wants me in his future and is committed to making it work, his response is, "let's take it slow." frankly, i don't know how much slower i can take it. i am not insinuating marriage or even living together. i would like to know he is committed to the possibility of a life together.

what is a reasonable period for someone to know if they are willing to commit on the level i described? i understand everyone works on a different time clock, but when does time run out? he will only share that he loves me if i ask him. i am a patient, caring, loving, smart woman who has a lot to offer. i love this man, but i am realistic and will not wait forever.

- any slower and we'd be going backwards

a: time runs out when you are sick of waiting for an answer you're not going to get.

yes, every relationship is unique, and everyone has different ideas about when it's time to start thinking seriously about the future (or whether there IS a future). some people move in after a month of dating, and some stay engaged for five years. the only way to really know how the other person feels is to bring it up and see what they say, which you've tried several times and gotten rebuffed with the bullshit "let's take it slow" line.

it's possible that he has genuine reasons for wanting to go slow, which he hasn't shared. is he divorced, and reluctant to try marriage a second time? was he massively betrayed by his last serious GF, and is anxious about committing and being hurt again? is he assuming that you want to get married within a year, and panicking? things like that. but if so, he needs to share that history with you, and explain why he might need more time, so you can make your decision with all the relevant info.

but if he's just fobbing you off with lame excuses, and he won't even tell you he loves you unless you ask, then we have to agree - you deserve better, and you definitely deserve someone who can tell you what he wants, whatever that may be. we think you should speed up... and head for the exit.

***

q: a friend of mine is kind of a dumbass, with a tendency to get rapidly and extremely drunk on a not terribly large amount of alcohol. he passes out in bars, leaving his friends to pick up his carcass and carry him home. he's notorious for passing out at parties and spending the night on people's front lawns or in their bushes, or if he's inside, peeing in their closets in the wee hours. because of this, people tend to let him lie where he crumbled, or to even drag him back outside after he's collapsed inside their apartments.

recently, he passed out on the front porch of his apartment building. the next day, one of his neighbors posted a dozen photos on her myspace page, depicting my friend lying unconscious on their communal porch while a crowd of his neighbors "posed" with him. the poses ranged from his female neighbor pretending to cover him with kisses and unzip his pants to his male neighbors pretending to sodomize him or defecate on him. in one photo, one of his neighbors (who happens to be a friend of his) stands over him with his penis out as if he's just finished masturbating, while another points at the glob of mayonnaise that's been applied to my friend's face to suggest spooge. should i tell my friend about this? he doesn't have a myspace account and is unaware of the existence of these photos. he's not identified in the captions, so it's not something that would come up in a background check or that will mean anything to anyone who doesn't already know him, but still, it is is embarassing and quite possibly something he should know about.

- take a picture, it'll last longer

a: oh, the stories we bitches could tell about committing one's drunken romps on film forever. and the double folly of then uploading said pics to the internets, where they can proliferate and take on a humiliating public life of their own. of course, your friend wasn't exactly conscious for the photo shoot, so we guess we'll let him off the hook for that part.

presumably your drunken friend knows that he does stupid shit when he gets trashed, acts like a jerk, and pisses off everyone who has the misfortune of being around when he's drinking. yet it's not enough to stop him from doing it over and over. well, maybe these pictures will be a rude awakening that he is quite literally out of control when he drinks, and that he's lucky he hasn't had much worse things happen to his passed-out body when he collapses in public.

so, yes, absolutely show him the pics. if he gets all outraged and wants to confront the photographers, remind him that it never would have been possible if he had taken responsibility for his drinking and showed some grownup moderation. maybe, just maybe, having to do the walk of shame every day past the neighbors who mocked and humiliated him will make it sink in that he can't go on like this indefinitely.

***

q: i have no closure on a situation in which i was used, and i regret it bitterly. several months ago i ended a long-distance, codependent relationship with a charming alcoholic. he agreed, via the phone, to return personal items of mine. he also stated he would repay me for long-distance calls he made from my home while i was at work. this is one of those things i need adult confirmation on - do i send a second letter reminding him to return my things and repay me? civil, polite letter number one did not work.

- open door

a: while it is always hard to move on from a relationship when you don't feel there's closure, the worst thing to do for yourself is to dwell on it, or to dwell on the person who won't provide you with said closure.

look, the guy you used to date was an asshole. he's only reconfirming that he's an asshole by refusing to return your items or to pay you back money that he owes you. it's not fair of him to do this to you, but it's obviously what he does best. you did the smart thing when you ended the relationship with him, now cut your losses there.

by giving this man your time, your energy, your civil letters - you are wasting your own resources. and not only are you wasting them, but ON THE SAME ASSHOLE YOU ALREADY HAD TO BREAK UP WITH ONCE. what you need to do is put that effort into bringing your own closure to the situation - whether this means getting back out into the dating world, hanging out with your closest friends and family, signing up for a cooking class, learning to speak a foreign language, buying a puppy, seeing a therapist (which is our best recommendation for you) - you need to start focusing on YOU instead of HIM. it's the only way you'll ever get closure - because even if he were to return your things and fork up the money, that wouldn't be real closure, and you're using it as an excuse.

if, however, he owes you buckets of money, or has items of great personal or monetary value, you should look into a lawyer and small claims court. but only if you also promise to look into that therapist.

ask a bitch: volume forty-six

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!

q: i put in my two-week notice working with SED kids to attempt working with mainstream kids in a public school. i was over-excited about the potential of leading a less chaotic lifestyle and blabbed to my co-worker about the job opportunity, who promptly stabbed me in the back and finagled the job. i later shared with him how awkward i felt for myself while simutaneously trying to be happy for him... and he chalked it up to gender, i.e., a need for therapist dudes... which was oddly comforting because i have a bazillion years of experience over him. now: a co-worker sent out an email inviting us all to treat him to lunch next week. do i bite the bullet and help buy him lunch? is it more degrading or honorable to give him my money on top of the lead to a better-paying job he got, according to him, because he has a penis?

- free lunch

a: hmm, it's a tough question. having inadvertently helped a coworker nab a higher-paying promotion that you were hoping to get, do you continue to supplement his suddenly-increased income by forking out cash for his congratulatory luncheon?

we can only assume that you were pissed and disappointed that your coworker snagged the job you wanted. of course, it does happen that people who work in the same office will have their eyes on the same job opportunity, but it sounds like this was something that he wouldn't necessarily have found out about if not for you. so for him to sneakily apply for the job himself without at least letting you know does seem pretty tacky, if not downright back-stabbing. if, however, it was a public job announcement that he could have found on his own, well, that's not as evil... though it doesn't sound like he was very sympathetic or receptive to your situation, if he was basically just swinging his dick around while you talked about your conflicted feelings.

if we're reading your question right, though, you've already given notice at your old job but now don't have a new job to transition to, since it got offered to your coworker. so... if you're about to be unemployed, indirectly because of this coworker, why are you even considering giving him your money to celebrate his deception and ruthlessness? you need your money more than he does! besides, if you've given notice, they should be taking YOU out to a farewell lunch, rather than soliciting cash from you in your last few days on the job.

***

q: why do so many women want a bad boy instead of a nice guy? even models and actresses turn to these bad boy types when they are absolutely gorgeous and could get any man they want. doesn't this encourage nice guys to turn into bad boys to get girls?

- nice, but reconsidering

a: it would be wonderful if we could heartily disagree with your assessment that women like bad boys, but the fact is, it's often sort of true.

it's not that the women who are drawn to "bad boys" really want someone who is going to treat them like shit (okay, maybe in even smaller cases, but generally, no), it's that the women who are drawn to this type of man can clearly see that he's not going to let a woman walk all over him. and let's face it - a lot of women want that in their mates. so-called "nice guys" don't immediately strike our fancy because well, we don't want someone who is nice - we want a MAN, goddammit.

"nice guys" lose because they pander to us, and then we get bored with them.

however, women don't want assholes. really. we want equals. or, if not equals, compatible partner(s). usually a person who lets you walk all over them is neither equal nor suitable for partnerhood.

although in some cases... nevermind.

***

q: last year i abruptly ended a relationship with my next-door neighbor because she used me as a convenience and did not treat me as a friend. six months ago, she sent a card explaining that she did not understand why i no longer talked to her. i did not respond. now she has employed the use of mutual acquaintances to get to me. i have not addressed this to them because, quite frankly, it didn't involve them. unfortunately, now it does. how do i address this without coming off as the "bad guy"?

- please, won't you be my neighbor

a: ouch. see, this is EXACTLY why the bitches caution their readers against fishing in the office/apartment-building dating pool. if things don't work out - which, let's be honest, they often don't - then you're stuck with seeing your crappy ex almost daily, in situations where you at least have to be polite, rather than sharing with the world the many terrible things they did to you.

whatever the circumstances of your relationship, your ex is being naive if she can't understand why you're not "friends" after the breakup. by definition, a breakup involves hurt feelings, disagreements, and rejection, and someone who has been through all that will not necessarily want to be friends with the person who made it happen. it's your choice whether you want to maintain any sort of relationship with her, and you obviously don't, which is fine.

now your ex is continuing her insensitive and hurtful treatment by dragging your mutual acquaintances into the picture, and talking negatively about you to them. clearly she's hoping it will get back to you, but her behavior is inappropriate and unfair to everyone. if your acquaintances tell you what she's been saying or ask what's going on, all you need to say is, "our relationship ended and she is no longer a part of my life. i wish her all the best." (even if that last part isn't true.) if they keep pushing, say, "i'd rather not talk about it." you don't need to explain yourself or justify yourself any further to mere acquaintances, and if they have any class at all, they won't ask. but if your ex continues to harass you, you might consider moving to another location when your lease is up... and NOT dating anyone at your new building.

***

q: i love my girlfriend of four years; she's awesome. we're in our 30s, both divorced. neither of us wants to remarry, and she doesn't need my money. yet, she's given me an ultimatum: move in with her or it's over. i'm completely committed but want to live separately. beyond preferring living alone, i feel i value her more that way. she argues we're not "moving forward," and feels "humiliated in front of (her) friends." she accuses me of being selfish and wanting everything my way. the last time she brought this up, i said i can't give her what she wants and she should find someone who can. nevertheless, she's stayed with me and is "waiting" for me to change my mind.

- stuck

a: it seems your girlfriend has come to the point in her relationship with you where she feels it stagnating, and she wants to save it or abandon it. you can hardly blame her - four years is a long time to be in a relationship that (in her mind) has stayed the same.

you've done the right thing: made it clear how you feel, made it clear what you want and do not want from her, and made it clear that you are not going to change your mind. we'd urge you to do so again, emphasizing that your committment to her has nothing to do with external factors like living together. that's true, after all.

and then, emphasize your committment to her with external displays because it sounds like that's what she needs most right now (hence the "humiliated in front of her friends" bit). since you're not going to move in with her, why don't you throw her an anniversary party and invite her friends, take her on a trip that she can tell all her friends about, or invest in something shared - like a puppy or some houseplants. she wants a confirmation that your relationship is growing despite living together, and the words coming out of your mouth just aren't enough - so give it to her.

if that doesn't do it, it may be that your lady wants something from a relationship that you're not ever going to be able to provide. if that's the case, don't let her wait in vain, thinking that someday you're going to change.

ask a bitch: volume forty-five

submit your questions via aabquestions@gmail.com!
go on, do it now!
xoxo, the bitches.

q: i recently learned that a friend of mine was bullied by a mutual acquaintance while in high school - not just bullied in a "made fun of" sort of way, but bullied in a sexually forceful way. much time has passed and my friend is in a place where he's forgiven his tormentor, but i'm simply unable to. although neither of us are "friends" with this man, he is known to both of us, is a father and a minimally successful businessman. i find myself wanting to enact justice/revenge on this man for what he did, but i'm not sure if it's my place, and if it is my place - what i should do about it. i understand that many years have passed, and that a lot of people do things when they are young under pressure which they later realize are wrong, but i just don't feel like it's enough.

- the avenger

a: that's definitely a horrible thing to suddenly discover, years after the fact - not only that your friend was bullied and sexually intimidated, but that it happened at the hands of someone you both know, and who's now an apparently respectable member of society. and you're right that this kind of abuse can take a long time to get over, and some never do.

but... your friend evidently has. he says he's moved on, received some degree of closure and even forgiven his attacker, which sounds pretty healthy and constructive to us. so why, exactly, is this bothering YOU so much? do you not believe that your friend has genuinely dealt with the fallout from the bullying incident? does this strike a chord with some unresolved abuse or bullying that you yourself suffered? are you troubled by your failure to notice what was going on back then, and do something about it while it was happening? you don't say whether you knew the bully back when this was going on, or if this was an acquaintance you made in adulthood and have just now found out about their mutual history.

you're right - your friend's past is not the stuff of your personal vengeance crusades, especially if he assures you all is forgiven. it's not for you to dig that rotting corpse back up again and stage a three-way confrontation on someone else's behalf, OR poison his dog to level the karmic scale. if you suspect that he is suffering some lasting psychological harm from the incident, talk to him about it, express that you are concerned for him and outraged on his behalf, and offer support if he wishes to get counseling. otherwise, we suspect that this is more about something that's going on within you. take a good hard look inside, and be honest with yourself about why this is upsetting you so much - the answers you find may not be pretty, but it sounds like you need to know.

***

q: i am a happily married man. i have become smitten with a co-worker. she is young, attractive, shapely, intelligent and funny. she has a great personality and we get along together well. i am self-conscious and awkward when i am with her when i want to be charming and interesting. if i were single...sigh! i do not want to jeopardize my marriage but i need to know two things: first, is it unusual for a married man to be so interested in another women? is it a sign of deeper problems in my marriage? i also want to know whether this woman finds me equally appealing. i want to appease my ego and move on. how can i find this out without giving the impression that i want to cheat on my wife? or am i asking for trouble?

- missed connection

a: as often happens, you've answered your own question while asking it, but because today is a slow day and we're feeling nice, we'll lay it all out for you.

no, it's not unusual for people in committed relationships to still have eyeballs and sex drives. there are many many people in the world - it's inevitable that, however happy we may be in stable relationships, we'll occasionally gaze at or flirt with others. it's not necessarily a sign of problems in your relationship - but acting on those urges would be.

knowing where to draw the line is key, and if you truly find it that confusing to figure out when you're being inappropriate, just pretend that your wife is right next to you, all the time, and let that be your guide. would your wife be upset if she saw you secretly going out for drinks with your shapely young coworker? THEN DON'T DO IT. would your wife be pissed if she heard you asking your coworker if she finds you attractive? THEN DON'T DO IT. repeat as necessary.

we get the thrill of a light office flirtation, and the excitement of feeling desirable to a new and attractive person. but the freedom to act on these impulses - even in a chickenshit, i-want-to-stroke-my-ego-but-not-get-in-trouble way - is part of the independence that we give up in exchange for a monogamous, committed relationship. besides, given that you're "self-conscious and awkward" around this girl, rather than "charming and interesting," you might not like your coworker's REAL opinion of you. and wouldn't you feel stupid if you jeopardized your marriage, only to be brushed off by someone younger and hotter?

***

q: my fiancée and i have a difficult relationship - i entered it with lingering feelings for my previous girlfriend, and when it came down to ultimatum time, i told the woman who is now my fiancée to move on. we broke up, except for physical intimacy. a while later, she started dating another but told me that he was just a friend. as the prospect of losing her for good became real, i panicked. i opened up to her in ways i never had. i proposed and she said yes. we began planning the wedding, but under pressure from me she started dropping bombs about being sexually intimate with him. can i trust her?

- mr. romantic

a: wait a minute here, can YOU trust HER?

let's go over the facts, buddy. you were with this woman for a period of time, during which you waffled about your ex and then decided, when it came down to it, that you weren't into her. but you continued to have sex with her. and then, when she start living her life and seeing someone else, you freaked out and asked her to marry her, following which YOU'RE not sure you can trust HER.

give us a break, seriously.

you've manipulated this woman in ways that are seriously not cool for real & actual adult relationships, and now you're doubting her fidelity because you dumped her and she decided to hump someone else while you were figuring out what you really wanted. look, she wasn't at fault, she didn't owe you monogamy, she didn't owe you anything, and in fact, we're pretty sure she should run as far away from you as possible.

this girl is obviously smitten enough to jump at the chance to marry you, even though you're obviously an asshole. granted, okay, the fact that you couldn't make up your mind about this girl doesn't automatically make you an asshole - careful consideration of all the pros and cons should be part of the relationship having process, but the fact that you strung her along, didn't let her move on, and that you proposed for the stupidest reason ever DOES make you an asshole. she's been there for you all along and said yes when you proposed - take this as a sign that, DUH, she's wanted you all along. (though, for the life of us, we can't imagine why.)

if you're serious about marrying her, get to a marriage counselor and work these issues out now.

but if you're looking for a reason not to marry her, just don't marry her. cut her loose and let her live her life with another man or men, which is what you should have been man enough to do the first time you dumped her.

***

q: last weekend i went to a big birthday party attended by friends of mine, acquaintances, and also people i didn't know. one of my friends asked if i would mind being her ride home, as her ride there was going to be leaving early. she lives mostly on my way, so it didn't seem like a big deal. however, toward the end of the night, she asked if i would mind also taking home a friend of hers who was at the party (and who was standing close enough that she could probably hear). i've met this friend-of-a-friend a few times, and she has never been very polite or friendly to me - she doesn't say hello, ignores me whenever i say something, and doesn't include me in conversations. normally this is fine because i rarely see her, but i didn't really want to go out of my way to do a favor for someone who isn't even nice to me. however, the way my friend was asking, i got the impression that she
had already told her friend it would be fine and that i couldn't say no without it being awkward. how can i nicely but firmly say no in future sticky situations, where there's no good way to explain why i don't want to say yes?

- along for the ride

a: the thing about people who aren't polite and friendly is that their behavior gives you an excuse to give it back to them. meaning, basically, that if this person isn't nice to you, there's no reason you should ever have to be finagled into doing them a favor.

but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't, because although they might be mean and rude, you probably aren't.

if you're looking for a noncontroversial way to say no - blame the price of gas, your lack of time, committments you've made and can't be late for, a backseat full of boxes, car seats already spoken for by others you've volunteered to drive home. you're not going to be giving this person a ride, so they're never going to know you were fibbing.

however, if you're bothered by the prospect of fibbing just to avoid a sticky situation, remember that telling the truth, while not always the "nicest" thing to do, is still "polite." if someone is being rude to you, it's not impolite to say "i'd rather not give you a ride, as you're not very nice to me." or "i'd rather not give your friend a ride, as he/she is not very nice to me."

the bitches firmly believe that honesty is the best policy, almost without fail. not only will your honesty, in this case, save you the trouble of having to give someone you like a ride out of your way, it will also make that person aware that their childish behavior isn't going to earn them any favors. you never know, you just might make a friend.